Mass Effect: A lost soul
by Quinn Shepard
Summary: When Shepard falls apart, who will pick up the pieces and give her a reason to fight, to live, to want to see a future again? This is a fShepard story based on the 3rd game.
1. Nightmares

**Hi all, I just wanted to give you a few word before you read the story. I am a non english native, dyslectic, first time story writer. I never planned on writing anything in my life, hell, I always tried to get out of any essay that had to be written during my school years (with moderate success) and yet now I am here. This will be a story about how Quinn Shepard perceives this war. I find that the game itself lacks that quality. I hope you will enjoy it! Please leave me some feedback an tell me, in a personal message, if you found (and you will) any spelling errors. Also I would like to have a few beta readers to help me find any flaws! So leave your reviews behind, give your idea's etc etc. I hope you will enjoy this story (I am quite nervous about it.. I never like to expose myself in anyway)**

 **PS chronologically the story may differ from the actual game**

 **edited 19sept2016 thanks to OneTheArrow :)**

 **Also special thanks to Fishbone76 from deviantart. Although my Shepard can't cry, this pic captures what I needed.**

 **for more art of this talented woman go to** **fishbone76. deviantart. com**

 **PPS I realize that my writing style sucks a bit, but it will gradually improve ;) (written 21-07-2017)**

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Only a few days had passed since she celebrated her sweet sixteen on the human colony of Mindoir. Quinn was still excited that she had got her own room! No more sharing with her parents. "Privacy, at last, some privacy," Quinn whispered to herself.

While thinking about how to decorate her new room, she suddenly heard a scream coming from the living room. _What the hell was that?_ She walked to the door, opened it, and saw a batarian standing over her mother with what looked like some sort of shotgun. She wanted to scream until she locked eyes with her mom, giving her an all saying stare to stay quiet.

Even though no words were exchanged, Quinn understood her mom directly and clasped her hands on her mouth, stepped back into her new room, and closed the door. The shotgun went off with an ear deafening **BANG**.

Shepard woke up screaming, sweating heavily and close to hyperventilation; she looked around wearily. It took her a few moments to realise that she was safely in bed at the Alliance headquarters on Earth.

Still groggy from the nightmare she stumbled to the bathroom, put some cold water on her face, and looked in the mirror. "Six months of rest and I still look fucked up," she mumbled. Frustrated by the nightmares and the fact she'd been grounded by the Alliance, Shepard punched the mirror with her fist, cracking it in a thousand pieces.

Looking around the floor and the rest of the bathroom she noticed that not much was still in one piece. She already cracked the sink, the faucet was crooked and the shower was unhinged.

"Maybe I should name this room "rage by Shepard" and sell it to one of my lunatic fans as art," she scoffed to herself.

Knowing she probably wouldn't get anymore sleep today she decided to get dressed for a run. _I might be relieved from my duties, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't stay in shape_. Before she had the time to put on some of her old N7 gym clothes, her omnitool started beeping with a message from Admiral Anderson, he needed to speak to her ASAP. _Aaannnndddd there goes my workout. What the hell do they want from me at this time of day?_ She thought.

Halfway to Anderson's office she spotted him walking up to her with a worried look on his face. This doesn't look good…

"Admiral Anderson, are you okay?" She asked.

"No Shepard." He replied. "Two of our outposts have gone dark and our radars tell us something big is on the way."

"Reapers." Shepard sighed.

"I am afraid so Shepard." Anderson replied.

"Admiral, we are not ready by a long..." **BOOOOM**. T

Before Shepard was able to finish her sentence both of them were flung through the building after it got shot by the Reapers. _When will all these nightmares stop?_ She passed out.

Shepard regained consciousness a few moments later, although it felt like hours. Anderson stood above her, making sure she was fine.

"Come on Shepard, we need to go find the Normandy."

While feeling the bump on her head, she stood up and took the gun Anderson handed to her.

"You're hereby reinstated to active duty Commander Shepard, now let's go."

"Yes sir," she replied, and they both started to run to find an exit.

When they were finally outside they started to comprehend the destruction the Reapers were able to cause in just a few minutes.

"Oh my god Shepard, how are we going to fight these things?"

"Sir, we need to survive this assault and get help before we can even THINK about fighting the Reapers. What is the location of the Normandy, sir?"

"I don't know yet Shepard. I can't get a ping on the ship. We need to find a stronger radio than these damned omni-tools. They are handy, until shit hits the fan."

"Sir, I see a downed gunship over there. Maybe we can use its radio to contact the Normandy?!"

"Good idea Shepard!" Anderson replied.

They started to fight their way to the downed ship, killing husks left and right and trying to ignore all the death and devastation around them, until they finally reached the downed gunship.

Keep your head down! It's crawling with enemies!" Shouted one of the two wounded men.

"Are you guys okay?" Anderson asked in a father like voice.

"Compared the other crewmates who didn't survive the crash? We are peachy, sir." One of the men replied sarcastically.

"Do you have a radio here soldier?"

"Yes sir, it is on the other side of the gunship."

"Shepard, go make contact with the Normandy."

Trying to keep herself in cover, she only had to fight of, what she thought, a few husks, not noticing that she was being flanked by Cannibals. "Fuck my life!" Shepard grumbled angrily as bullets started to fly around her.

"Admiral, defend my left flank Sir, so I can take out those damn Cannibals." Shepard shouted.

"I am on it Shepard!"

After a few minutes of intense fighting, Shepard could finally reach the radio safely and tried to make contact with the Normandy

"NORMANDY NORMANDY, DO YOU READ?"

"Shepard, is that you?"

"Ashley? Thank god, you're still alive." Shepard's voice sounded relieved. "What is your ETA to our position?"

"5 minutes, Commander."

"Okay, we will try to clean the LZ. It is extremely hot and we've got wounded!" As she finished her sentence, a Marauder's bullet grazed her face") leaving a tiny scratch.

"Understood ma'am." Ashley replied.


	2. And so it begins

**Still looking for some beta readers ;) and some reviews wouldn't hurt either ;)**

 **I hope I can keep up this pace for updating, but no guarantees :P.**

 **Edited 19sept2016 thank you OnTheArrow :)**

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After boarding the Normandy and receiving her orders from Anderson, Shepard felt blue. _I'm losing my planet, my friends and now I also left behind my mentor_. She grimaced at this thought. _How the hell am I going to convince those assholes in the Council to help us?!_ Walking down the cargobay to the elevator, her babysitter from HQ started throwing a tantrum.

"What the hell is going on? Where is Anderson, Where are we going?" Vega asked with an angry and slightly raised voice. "HEY SHEPARD!" He shouted now

"We are leaving" She replied, her thoughts still with Anderson

"LEAVING?" Vega shouted again

Before he could continue yelling at Shepard, Ashley interrupted him. "What is going on?"

"We're leaving Ashley, orders from Anderson" Shepard replied. She was happy to see her alive and well. _Thank god some of my friends are still here with me_

"That is such BULLSHIT" Vega shouted. "Anderson would never order that!" Vega raised his voice even more now

"You think I LIKE THIS Vega?" She gave him a little push in the shoulder. "But without any help, we are doomed" Shepard replied irritated. _Does he really think I want to run away from this? That I am scared or something?_ "We are going to the Citadel. If you want to be on Earth, take a shuttle from the Citadel. Now shut…"

"Commander?" sounded over the PA system

"Joker, is that you?"

"Alive and kicking commander!" He replied. "We have an emergency transmission from Admiral Hackett for you"

"Patch it through to the cargobay Joker"

"Aye aye ma'am"

Shepard turned to the screen to see what Hackett had to say. _God the connection sucks! What kind of incompetent person has been working on my ships comms?_

Hackett ordered Shepard to go to Mars first, to her surprise. Apparently T'soni had been researching an Prothean artifact that might be crucial in the fight against the Reapers. _Liara_ a small sigh escaped her lips while thinking about her. _I haven't heard a thing from her since I was grounded.. I wonder what she has found… and why in hell she didn't contact me!_ she yelled in her head. _I thought we were friends!_

"Joker"

"Yes ma'am"

"Set course to the Mars Archives"

"Mars?" Joker replied "Errr okay"

"Mars? Why Mars?" Ashley asked. "What does he think we will find there?

"I don't know Ashley, but if it gives us a chance to defeat the Reapers, it is worth the detour, so get ready! We will be there in less then an hour. Errrmmm where did the Alliance hang our combat suits? She wondered out loud.

"Over there ma'am" Cortez pointed to the station next to, what appeared to be Vega's bunk. "Your Alliance combat suit is there as well, Anderson made sure it would be there just in case…. well in case of something like this would happen" He continued. "You can get your standard issue weapons with me, although I took the liberty to make some modification to them."

"Thank you... What's your name? I don't think we have met before" She offered her hand to Cortez.

"Cortez, Steve Cortez ma'am." and shook her hand. "I'm your shuttle pilot and I have overseen the retrofits here in the cargobay. Also I oversee the armory together with Vega" he pointed his thumb over his shoulder.

"Nice to meet you Cortez" She replied. "How far along are you with prepping the Kodiak for a mission?"

"I only need to do the final check and then we're good to go ma'am"

"Good to hear that" she gave him a small smile. "OK SQUAD GET READY!" she shouted to Ashley and Vega.

"Yes ma'am" they replied in unison.

Half an hour later they were all sitting in the shuttle.

"So Ashley, I heard you became Lieutenant Commander, so you're my XO now?" Shepard asked Ashley to kill some time before they would reach the Mars Archives.

"Yes Ma'am!" Ashley said with a big smile

"Come on Ash, cut the formalities, you know I hate those. Just Shepard, remember" Shepard gave her a semi serious look.

"Yes Ma'am!" Ashley smiled while saluting Shepard sarcastically.

"Fuck you Ash!"

"Ahhh still wishing for that to happen eh Shepard, still not into you "ma'am" " she replied while rolling her eyes.

"Well you would if you gave me a chance" Shepard winked at Ashley

" I can see your ego didn't get dented when they grounded you" she grinned again.

"Commander, we will reach our LZ in 5 minutes" Cortez announced.

"Commander" Joker suddenly interrupted the light chit chat that was going on in the Kodiak

"Go ahead Joker"

"I've been trying to contact mars via the secure channels. No one is answering" he said with a slightly worried voice

"Any reaper activity?" Shepard replied "Negative ma'am"

"Anything that is off according to you EDI?"

"The base appears to be online, the inhabitants may have been evacuated" she replied with her standard voice

"We will find out soon enough." A knot started to form in Shepards stomach. _Ok this doesn't sound good at all. Hold on Liara, we're almost there!_ "Joker, be ready. Just in case" Shepard sighed


	3. First cracks

**Ok time to find my own path in the story :) I will try to keep close to the original, but no promisses ;). Still no beta readers... come on... nobody willing? At least give me some reviews then ;)**

 **Edited some typo's ;)**

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"ASHLEY ASHLEY NOO NOOO NOOO" Shepard shouted when Dr Eva Coré smacked Ashley against the shuttle with an incredible force. _Ooohhhh Ashley how can you survive this?!_ When Dr Eva Coré started walking up to Shepard, she pulled her sidearm and shot the synthetic life form multiple times in the head. Even Though the bullets seemed to ricochet of her head, the force was enough to stop the synthetic body. Shepard started to run to Ashley. "Hold on Ashley!" she shouted.

"Commander, we've got Reaper signatures in orbit" Joker announced over the headset.

"Understood" Shepard replied. "Come on Ashley, I got you, just hold on…." She picked up Ashley carefully, hoping she wouldn't worsen her injuries. _Don't you dare to leave me too…._ Shepard thought before she stepped back in the Normandy and left Mars.

Shepard brought Ashley to the Medbay and placed her gently on the bed. "Liara, is there anything you can do for her?" Shepard asked softly with a small crack in her voice. _You've got to stay with me Ash, I need you here._ She clutched one of Ashley's hands in hers

"I am sorry Shepard" Liara replied. "There are no medical supplies left.. We need to go to the Citadel, that is her only chance" Liara placed her hand on Shepard's shoulder.

"Joker, set course for the Citadel" Shepard ordered

"Will do ma'am" he replied

"Liara, see what you and EDI can learn from that thing" She nodded to the synthetic body and gave it a dirty look

"Commander" EDI started "There is a message on the secondary QEC, I believe it is Admiral Hackett

"Patch it through EDI" Shepard replied with a heavy sigh. She had no other choice but leaving Ashley behind and make her way to the communication room. During the mission debriefing, Liara revealed that the data contains a blueprint from some sort of device, and her research indicated that it might be a weapon to destroy the Reapers. Hackett ordered them to convince the Council to give the Alliance all the resources they need to build it and win the war. "Easier said than done" Shepard whispered to herself after the communication feed stopped. "Liara" Shepard started. "How can one weapon stop the reapers?"

"You don't believe this can be done?" Liara answered in her usual cold voice.

"No…" Shepard leaned against the secondary QEC console, letting her head drop when she replied. "No I don't. You didn't see what they did to Earth in matter of minutes." Shepard tilted her head to look at the asari. Liara startled when she saw the fear in Shepard eyes, something she had never seen until now.

"Shepard, you need to believe that we still have a chance." Liara pleaded

"Liara?"

"Yes Shepard"

"Get all the information of that _THING_ , so we have something to present to the council" Shepard dropped her head again and pulled herself back together. "I am going to see Ashley"

When Shepard entered the Medbay and saw Ashley on the table, she felt her lower lip tremble a bit. _Thank god for synthetic eyes… at least nobody will see me cry._ She took Ashley's hand in hers again and softly stroking her fingers through Ashley's hair with her other hand. Shepard started to wishper to her. "You can't leave me Ash. I don't think I can fight another fight without you….I already had to fight once without you, I don't think I can do it again. You're my best friend, my best soldier and let's not forget my XO. I need you Ash… I just can't…." Shepard stopped talking. She never felt so alone as she did at that moment, as if she had no one left to fight for. _Sure I have Liara,_ Shepard thought, _but that hasn't been the same after I died. We're still friends but it just feels so awkward every now and then."_ Her mood dropped even more after she realised that.

The Normandy finally reached the Citadel. As soon as the airlock opened a doctor and a few nurses started to run to the Medbay and pick up Ashley. "Hurry everybody, she hardly has a pulse" The doctor shouted to the nurses when they put her on the stretcher.

"Where are you taking her doctor?" Shepard asked with a soft caring voice.

"Huerta Memorial. It is the best hospital in the Citadel" the doctor replied in a businesslike manner.

"Do whatever it takes doctor, spare no expenses and if you need something let me know, I'll take care of it!" Shepard sounded like her old self again. Ashley vanished out of sight.

"Aren't we going with?" Vega asked Shepard.

"We need to see the council" Liara replied while Shepard still stared at the airlock where Ashley just vanished through, followed by the other two wounded they picked up on Earth

"oh, yeah right" Vega said, feeling stupid that he didn't think of that.

"EDI" Shepard started "put me on the PA"

"Yes Shepard"

"Attention everyone, we arrived on the Citadel. I need everybody to go get their assignment from the Alliance, pick up your gear and supplies and then report for your duties. Shepard out"


	4. Chapter 4: Politics

**Ok having major fights with grammar... what to write in past tense and what in present tense. I also find it quite difficult to decide where to put my own influences in the story and where to stick to the original. Would love some input! Don't be shy**

*made some edits

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After talking to the newly appointed commander Bailey, Shepard decided to go to the hospital first. _They know I'm on my way, but they have there own "problems" with the war and everything.._ This really pissed her off. _As if I wanted to go have a chat with them!_ Shepard started to walk to the elevator. Before she could go inside, a journalist stepped in front of her. "Commander Shepard, can I have a word with you?" The journalist started.

"It's not like you're giving me a choice." Shepard said, not looking at her "You DO know I've a reputation with journalist who are in my way? I am NOT in the mood to give an interview!" Shepard replied with angry tone.

"Don't worry Commander, I am here to ask permission to make a series of shows for ANN. I am Diana Allers, presenter of Battlespace. The Alliance has given me permission to make war reports from one of its warships, and I WANT to be on the Normandy. With your permission, ofcourse, Commander."

"Why would you want to be on a warship, miss Allers?" She asked wondering, finally looking at her.

"Please, call me Diana, and I want to report from your ship because wars can be won in the editing room and you are the best chance we have. We do NEED to win this war. It is all or nothing this time."

"Fine." Shepard answered, more to get rid of her because she wants to go to Ashley then that she wanted a journalist parading on her ship. "But if you get in my way, or report anything WITHOUT my approval, I will toss you out of the airlock, miss Allers."

"Of course Commander." Diana replied, ignoring the verbal abuse Shepard just gave to her. "How much stuff may I take on board?"

One footlocker miss Allers, now if you would excuse me, I have places to go." Shepard noticed that the elevator had arrived and walked by Diana without properly saying goodbye.

"Thanks again." This was the last thing Shepard heard before the doors of the elevator closed.

After a few stops, the doors finally opened at the hospital wing. Shepard stepped out, and looked for an information desk. "Goodday ma'am, I am looking for Ashley William's room." Shepard asked politely, forcing herself to smile.

"Third door on the left." The salarian female responded, hardly looking up from all the paperwork she has in front of her.

"Thank you." Shepard replied as she took of. While walking up to Ashley's room, Shepard looked around if she could see the doctor who had taken Ashley off the ship. She couldn't find him, so Shepard decided to go into Ashley her room. Before Shepard could open the door, the doctor exited the room. "Doctor, just the person I was looking for, how is she doing?" Her voice sounded worried again as she braced herself for the worst.

"She is a fighter" the doctor replied. "She will recover completely in a few weeks, but for now we keep her in an induced coma until we repaired her spine and pull a few bones back into place. Please, excuse me, I have other patients to see."

"Thank you doctor" Shepard said with a big relief. She barely refrained from hugging the doctor. When Shepard saw Ashley on her bed, grief washed over her, even though she knew Ashley is doing fine, considering what she went through. "Oh Ashley" she whispered "look at you, it is all my fault. I should have protected you" Her breathing started to shake, as if she was crying. "I'll come back to you as soon as possible, be strong Ash" She kissed Ashley on her forehead before she left the room. _Now let's face the council... ugh_.

Shepard arrived at councilor Udina's office where she was greeted by his asari assistant.

"Commander Shepard, councilor Udina is expecting you. The council is already in session, please follow me" _Great_ Shepard thought. _First they basically don't have any time for me, and now they've started without me…. ugh politics, I hate it._ When Shepard walked into the Council room she witnessed a heated conversation.

"We got our own problems councilor, Earth is not alone in this." The turian Councilor stated.

"But Earth is the first Council world to be hit. By all reports, it faces the brunt of the attack." Udina replied angrily.

"By your reports." the Salarian scoffed. Udina gave him a dirty look.

Finally Shepard saw an opening to interrupt the bickering council members. "The reports are accurate, Earth was attacked….. by Reapers!" _Like I said they would…._ "And it is just the beginning. We need your help."Shepard continued. "Everything you can spare."

"Each of us faces a similar situation, even now, the Reapers are pressing our borders. If we lend you our strength to help Earth, our own worlds will fall." the asari argued.

"We must fight this enemy together." Udina pleaded. _Finally someone who gets it! Now the rest._ Shepard thought

"So we should just follow you to earth?" The salarian replied with venom in his voice.

"Even if we united our fleets, do you really think we could defeat the Reapers? The turian asked Shepard.

"Yes" Shepard lied convincingly, which surprised Liara. "But I don't expect you to follow me without a plan." Shepard continued and gave a nod to Liara to continue.

"Councilors" Liara started "A blueprint. Created by the Protheans during their war against the Reapers."

"A blueprint for what?" The turian asked.

"We are still piecing it together." Liara opened a hologram from her omni-tool "But it appears to be a weapon of some sort"

"And this weapon is capable to destroy the Reapers?" The salarian asked with curiosity, stroking his chin.

"So it seems." Liara replied stoically.

"The scale is…. it would be a colossal undertaking." Before anyone could argue with the salarian's remark, Shepard started to talk again. "No it won't, I already forwarded it to Admiral Hackett. The remnants of the human fleet already started gathering resources to begin the construction." _Ha! Try to get out of this one now!_

"Our initial calculations suggest it is very feasible to build." Liara continued again

"IF we work together" Shepard emphasized

"Have you considered that the Reapers DESTROYED the Protheans? What good did this weapon do?" The asari asked. _Nooooo we just thought hey look let's just follow the Prothean way to death._ Shepard shook her head slightly with this question. _Do they not get it or do they not want to get it?_

"It was not complete. There was a missing component." Liara still not letting out any emotion. _How does she do it? acting so…. neutral._ "Here, something referred to only as the catalyst, but they ran out of time before they could finish building it."

"Do you really believe this can stop the Reapers?" The turian asked Shepard again.

"Liara believes it, and if she think it can be done, then I believe it too." Shepard almost started to believe herself now. "Udina and I don't always agree with each other, but he is right that we need to stand together. Now more than ever. The Reapers won't stop at Earth. They will destroy EVERY organic in the galaxy if we don't find a way to stop them."

The three alien Councilors looked at eachother, almost if they were communicating telepathically and then the Asari started to talk again. "The cruel and unfortunate truth is that while the Reapers focus on Earth, we can prepare and regroup."

"We are convening a summit amongst our species." The salarian started. "If we can secure our own borders, we may consider aiding you." Shepard looked at Udina and saw the despair in his eyes. With an "I am sorry Commander, that is the best we can do." The asari ended the meeting. _Wow really? Just like that they walk away? Does the human life matters so little to them?_ Shepard sighed again in disbelief.

Before Shepard could leave the room to follow Udina to his office, Liara reached for her hand. "I think that was an offer of support." She wanted to sound convincing, but a hint of doubt was in Liara's voice. "I'll be digging up what I can about this Prothean device, Shepard" Liara let go of Shepard's hand and left the room.

When Shepard walked into Udina's office, he was still furious about the meeting. "They still see us a second-rate race, even though we are on the council." Before Udina could go on with his tantrum, the Turian councilor walked into the office.

Udina and Shepard looked surprised, but neither of them stopped the Turian Councilor. "Shepard, I can't give you what you need, but I can tell you how you can get it. Our Primarch Fedorian called in a war summit, but we lost contact with him when the Reapers attacked Palaven. There won't be a summit without him. The Normandy is the only ship in the vicinity who can extract the Primarch undetected. A grateful Primarch would be a great asset in your attempt to unite all of us"

"This almost sounds like….. blackmail, Councilor." Shepard said carefully.

"Maybe, but if this is the way we both get what we need, then what does it matter how you would call it?

"Fine." Shepard grunted, pinching the bridge of her nose, as if a headache was coming up. "Where can I find him?"

"Our latest intelligence tells us that the Primarch was moved to a base on Palaven's largest moon." The Councilor told Shepard whilst showing her a map. "This is all the information I can give you Commander." and walked away. Before the Turian opened the door he started to speak again. "There is one more thing Commander, the Council wanted me to tell you that we have chosen to uphold your Spectre status, and various resources will be available to you. Good day and good luck." The Turian ended the conversation and vanished through the door.

"Well it's a start." Udina said to Shepard. "I'll try to talk some sense in the others. Hackett will keep you posted if anything changes. Good luck Shepard." This was the last thing Udina said before opening communication channels to who knows who. Shepard decided not to stay longer in this political hell hole and went to pick up the last supplies before she headed back to the Normandy


	5. Chapter 5: Guilt

**A chapter I was waiting for to write :) I hope you like it. Please send some feedback.**

 **Thanks again OnTheArrow ;)**

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"EDI, how long before we set sail?" Shepard asked while she walked out of the airlock.

"12 hours, Commander Shepard" She replied

"I am going to get some shut eye, please lock my floor for the next eight hours."

"Yes Commander. Is there anything else you want me to do while you are unavailable?"

"That will be all EDI, thank you." She finished the conversation while waiting in the elevator to reach her floor.

When Shepard entered her room she directly went to her shower to turn on the water so it would be hot and steaming. She undressed herself and threw everything on pile next to her bed. When she finally felt the hot water on her hair and her body she moaned in satisfaction. _Ohh mannn that feels soooo good. What has it been? 2 or 3 days since I showered for the last time? There is still mars dust in my crack._ She chuckled while she washed her hair. After Shepard was done pampering herself and started drying herself, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Seeing all those scars on her body made her feel hideous. The good mood disappeared immediately and made room for the darkness to fill her soul. She tossed the towel away and let herself drop on her bed and buried her face in the pillow. After another failed attempt to suffocate herself with her pillow, Shepard finally fell in a restless sleep. The dreams started again.

After Quinn heard her mother being shot, she sank to the floor against her door. Before Quinn even had time to comprehend what just happened, she heard footsteps closing in. _Oh no oh no oh no._ Quinn started to panic. _He is going to kill me too… Oh no oh no._ Out of nowhere her survival instinct kicked in. She crawled to the window, opened it and let herself fall out of it, just in time before the batarian opened the door. Quinn quickly crawled underneath the house and behind some boxes that were stored away behind the entrance stairs. Quinn shivered from anxiety. She pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms around them. After a few minutes Quinn heard the batarian leave her parents house. She bit her lower lip, afraid to be discovered by him whom had killed her mother. Quinn heard that the Batarian started to walk around the house. Luck was with Quinn. Just moments before he would look underneath the house from the rear, someone called him back to the group. Several minutes passed before Quinn felt secure enough to relax her body and crawled back from underneath the house. There was only one way out of the area, and that was in the same direction the batarian went. _Damn it….now what?_ Quinn looked if she could climb up the rocks, that surrounded the small square where she and three other families lived. Her attempts failed. The rocks were too steep to climb.

*beep beep beep* Shepard grumbled some unrecognizable words and slammed the alarm off. Not feeling rested from her sleep, she put on a fresh set of N7 clothing and started to lace up her boots. Before she was even done Liara was already at her door.

"Shepard, may I come in?" sounded through the intercom.

Shepard rose up from her bed and walked to the door to open it. "Liara, what can I do for you?"

"I want to talk about you Shepard, I am worried" Liara replied.

"Worried? Why?" Shepard sounded surprised.

"You look absent, Shepard. Also I feel like you're avoiding me."

"I am avoiding you? You've been giving me a cold shoulder since my resurrection! You haven't contacted me after the Alliance grounded me and now you say I am avoiding you? Liara was perplexed with Shepard's answer. "I thought you were my friend… hell at some point I thought we would be more then… Never mind Liara, I am sorry. I haven't been sleeping well since I woke up in that Cerberus facility" Shepard massaged her temples.

"But there is more, isn't there? Tell me Shepard, what is really bothering you? It isn't just our friendship that has been bothering you…" Liara asked patiently.

"Well… people around me have a tendency to get hurt." Shepard answered with a soft voice while looking at the floor. She felt if she is responsible for everybody's fate. "Or worse…. Ashley is just the latest in a long line." She finally looked up at Liara again, sadness filling her eyes

"She is a soldier like you Shepard, and a fighter. If someone can get better on will alone, it is Williams." Liara hoped that this would comfort Shepard a bit

"I hope you're right Liara." Shepard didn't sound convinced

"Don't blame yourself Commander." Before Liara could continue to convince Shepard that everything that has happened wasn't her fault, the door to Shepard's room opened. "Commander Shepard, I am specialist oohhhh." Traynor stopped talking when she finally noticed that Shepard wasn't alone. "I beg your pardon. I thought you were alone."

"I was just about to leave." Liara said and turned around and walked away.

"Can we talk later Liara?" Shepard asked before she went out the door.

"Ofcourse Commander." And Liara was gone.

"Commander Shepard, I am Comm Specialist Samantha Traynor, with Alliance R&D." She saluted the Commander. "I was part of the team retrofitting the Normandy after you turned it over to the Alliance." She continued. "There weren't many of us on board when the Reapers hit." Traynor felt guilty they couldn't do more when the Reapers hit Earth.

"It is okay Specialist." Shepard looked at her, fascinated by her British accent. So pure and distinguished compared all the other people around her. "Could you tell me what you've done with my ship? I need her functional asap."

"We have upgraded communications and removed all Cerberus tech, Commander." She did her best to look Shepard in her eyes. _Why does she gets nervous when she looks at me?_ Shepard wondered.

"Aaaannnnd that means what?" Shepard asked whilst walking to her empty fish tank.

"The ship is in line with Alliance regs now, and it has new top of the line Quantum Entanglement Communicators. She followed Shepard. "In fact, Admiral Anderson had intended to use the Normandy as his mobile command center." Traynor looked at the fish tank. It took a while before she noticed that it was empty and raised an eyebrow to Shepard. She gave Traynor two raised eyebrows back, trying to look innocent. "That is no longer an option" Shepard replied quickly, turning back to the subject.

"Yes I heard he chose to stay and fight… In any event, I am honored to serve under you, Commander. For as long as you need me, that is." Besides to having troubles maintaining eye contact with Shepard, Traynor now sounded insecure as well. "They only sent me for the retrofits."

"Shepard." EDI interrupted. "Some of our systems require some further testing, and Specialist Traynor has been extremely effective during installation. I would prefer that she remains."

"Understood EDI." Shepard replied.

"Wait a minute…. since when does a VI make requests?" Traynor asked slightly shocked.

"EDI is an AI, she is fully self-aware." Shepard crossed her arms and was curious to see how Traynor would react to a, slightly illegal, news fact.

"OH I knew it… I knew Joker was lying!" Shepard had to surpress a small chuckle when Traynor started to swear at Joker. _I like her attitude…. not bitching about all alliance regs, just that she was out of the loop. She could be a pretty errr good addition to the crew._

"Jeff requested that I would pretend to be a simple VI to protect myself. I am sorry for the deception Specialist Traynor." EDI said, with a hint of sorrow in her voice.

"It is okay EDI. I should apologize for all the times I talked about how….. attractive your voice is" Traynor said while looking at the ceiling, like most people do when they talk to EDI.

"Wait what?" Shepard asked Traynor, looking at her with a piercing curiosity.

"Oooohhhh erm nothing Commander" Traynor answered to quick and a blush started to spread on her beautifull face. "Anyway, shall I give you a tour? I think you will be impressed by all the upgrades." Shepard accepted her bypass of the whole EDI thing, for now. Traynor got her portable vid screen and stand closely next to Shepard. Shepard felt a tingly sensation, something she hadn't felt in years. "This is the CIC, well that is mostly the same, except the terminal next to the, your, galaxy map I will be working on which is upgraded to QEC level. The war room has been completely renewed. It houses a strategic command center, for mission-specific Intel and war analysis. The shuttle bay still contains an armory, but now you can also modify your equipment there between missions. Finally Liara has set up a lot of hardware in the XO office. I think she claimed that room." Traynor chuckled a bit when she told that part and looked at Shepard for a moment. "And there you are. Still the same ship as before. She's just flying Alliance colors now. Speaking of which. I believe Admiral Hackett wants to speak with you in the vid room." Traynor walked away after that. The only thing Shepard could do for the first few seconds was to look how she was leaving the room, completely mesmerized by the new addition to her crew. _What the hell just happened here?_ Shepard regained herself and left her room to go to the vid room.

When Shepard arrived in the vid room, Admiral Hackett was indeed waiting for her.

They talked about how the meeting went with the council and how Shepard intended to solve this problem. Hackett approved of Shepard's plan to save the Turian Primarch and get his cooperation for an inter species alliance to counter attack the Reapers. Hackett also ordered Shepard to find people who can help build the Prothean device. If that was not possible, Hackett would also settle for soldiers, supplies or anything else Shepard could get her hand on.

"Commander. We are nearing Palaven." EDI stated over the intercom.


	6. Chapter 6: Plot twist

**I started this chapter in a completely different way. I wanted to use the battle on Palaven as well, but that turned out to be just a recap of the game. Which you guys already know... so I had to overhaul it. This way I could work out Shepard more. Hope you like it. Don't be shy, drop me a review... even negative ones are welcome!**

 **Thanks OnTheArrow**

* * *

After finally finding the successor for Primarch Fedorian, whom was shot down when he tried to leave on of Palavens moons, and being reunited with Garrus, it was time to return to the Normandy. Shepard couldn't stop thinking of what Victus, the new Primarch, said. "I can't spare my fleet as long as the pressure on Palaven isn't reduced. We need the Krogan". At first Shepard thought he might have been kidding, but Victus was dead serious. _Krogan… well they are mighty warriors. Maybe this is a good idea. Garrus was right… unconventional war, unconventional tactics._ "Commander, you may exit the Kodiak." Cortez said. It took a few seconds for those words to hit Shepard and she looked up at him. "Thank you Cortez. Could you make sure someone shows the Primarch to his quarters?"

"Yes ma'am." He replied.

"I'll be at the vid room if anyone needs me. Traynor, could you get me connected with the Council?" She spoke into her omni-tool.

"Yes ma'am, you will be able to talk to them in a few minutes." Traynor replied.

When Shepard walked into the vid room, the asari Councilor's hologram was already up. Shepard got her up to speed about Victus' plan. "The asari have been down this road before, commander Shepard. We heard this plan before we spoke and I tried to smooth things over with the salarian Dalatrass. To say she is upset would be a monumental understatement."

"Some of these issues are hundreds of years old. This would be the time to let the go." Shepard argued.

"Sad to say, but any effort to ally these disparate groups seems doomed to failure." The asari didn't sound sad in any way. "And I am sure you can understand we can't afford to waste time with the Reapers at our door. This will be my final word. I am sorry but the Asari will not be at your summit."

"Our alliance would be stronger with the Krogan. You need them… we all do." Shepard pleaded.

The only thing the Asari had to say to Shepard's pleading was "I wish you luck, Commander." And the connection was broken. Shepard punched the wall in anger. _What the hell….. no negotiations nothing? What are they thinking? I expected this from the Dalatrass, but the asari?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!_ Shepard hit the wall once again, this time she hit it so hard her knuckles started to bleed.

"Commander, EDI just went offline." A confused Joker sounded through the PA. _EDI, I completely forgot about her since Joker mentioned her on Palaven…_ "What do you mean offline?" Shepard replied.

"I don't know! She is not responding and I can't get access to the AI core diagnostics." Joker answered. "You better go down to deck 3." He continued. Shepard went down as quickly as possible. When she arrived in the med bay and walked up to the door to the AI core Shepard heard a sound she never heard before. "Joker, what is that sound?"

"Fire extinguishers, Commander. It could be an electrical fire…. or something." Joker replied.

"I am going in." Shepard said. Two crewmembers made sure that their fire extinguishers were ready to go. The door opened and the party of three went in. The two crewmembers put down the remaining fires. A cloud of powder fogged up the room. "EDI, talk to me."She entered the room despite not knowing what she would find. The AI core rebooted itself and startled Shepard. Out of nowhere an orange glow appeared in the room, just as Dr Eva Coré had. Shepard automatically went for her gun, which she didn't have on her. _Oh damn it… how did that thing came to life?!_ Shepard got nervous and tried to think of a way to fight the synthetic, until EDI's voice came out of the mechanic body.

"Is there a certain topic you want to discuss, Shepard?"

"Euuuhhh EDI? Is that you in Dr Eva's body?" Shepard looked perplexed

"Not all of me." EDI answered while looking at her hands. "But I got control of it. It was not a seamless transition." EDI looked up now.

"So if you are in there, are you still in the ship?"

"I exist primarily in the ship. For optimal control, this unit should remain within the Normandy's broadcast or thightbeam range."

"Within range? Are you planning to go somewhere?" Before EDI could answer Shepard's question, Traynor walked in the room. "EDI WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?" She yelled at EDI. She wasn't surprised that EDI took over the synthetic body. Shepard looked at Traynor, who didn't notice Shepard was in the room as well. "Comm specialist Traynor, I took over this body so I may assist Shepard and the crew on the surface."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?! I COULD HAVE HELPED YOU!" Traynor still yelled at EDI. Shepard looked at Traynor. _Here it is again… willing to do something illegal. What is ticking this girl?_

"Bringing you or the crew up to speed would have been counterproductive. All attempts to help would have been limited by reaction time."

"But blacking out the entire ship is not counterproductive?!" Traynor scoffed at EDI.

"Uhhumm" Shepard tried to get the attention of the two ladies.

"OHH Commander Shepard, I didn't see you" Traynor saluted Shepard straight away, but avoided eye contact again

"No kidding. At ease Traynor." A faint smile appeared on Shepard's face. _What is with avoiding my eye contact? Is she scared of me or of my reputation?_ "Traynor, you don't have to keep saluting me on my ship. I only require it in formal situations."

"Yes ma'am." Traynor had to restrain herself not to salute again at this 'order'.

"EDI, you talked about being within range. Are you planning to take that body somewhere?" Shepard asked again.

"The Normandy is not suited for every combat situation. This platform could provide limited-fire ground support." EDI answered

"You mean you could come with us?" Shepard sounded intrigued by this piece of information.

"Correct. This body could accompany you to areas the Normandy can't reach."

"Before we do that, I need you to guarantee this mech doesn't have any surprises left. Run whatever tests you can, and then I might consider taking you with me in a combat situation." Even though Shepard was known for taking risks, this was one she's not willing to take without all the data she could get.

"Complete" EDI replied in matter of seconds. "I could send you a full report if you wish. However, my first step should be restoring the Normandy's functionality and reassure the crew that everything is normal."

"Yeah… well good luck with that. The crew might be a bit wary of your new body. Not long ago it was shooting at them."

"An excellent point. I will go to Joker first, he will want to see this." EDI smiled.

"On that we can agree!" Shepard visualized Joker's reaction and chuckled.

"Wait for me EDI, I want to see Joker's face too!" An almost evil smile appeared on her face. The both of them walked out the AI core, talking to each other as if they had been the best of friends for ever. The only thing Shepard could do was watch how Traynor walked away. Again. _SHEPARD GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF._ She shouted in her head.

Now that everything was resolved Shepard felt her knuckles again… _Damn I think I broke something. Might as well ask Dr. Chakwas to look at it while I am here._ Before she could make the call through her omnitool, Dr. Chakwas walked in.

"Karin, just the person I was looking for" Shepard started

"Why am I not surprised Quinn? You always look for me after a mission." A smile appeared on Chakwas face. "What did you do this time?

"Well ermm." Shepard felt a bit embarrassed. "This time it didn't happen during the mission… I got… well frustrated with the council…"

"And you hit your hand against the wall, didn't you?"

"Twice, to be honest." She looked at Chakwas like she was a kid who was caught stealing cookies.

"Quinn, you really need to get a grip on yourself. Sooner or later your behavior will really hurt you. God forbid." Chakwas sounded mother like. She had been the closest thing Shepard had to a mother since the batarian shot her real mum. "How have you been sleeping? The last time we've been on the Normandy you suffered from night terrors."

"Euh fine." Shepard lied.

"You are the worst liar I ever met Quinn… Just tell me if you need anything to help you sleep better." Chakwas told Shepard while putting some omnigel on her hand and bandaging it. "Just leave this on for two days. It is not broken and the gel should get the swelling down soon." Shepard nodded. "And Quinn, you know I am always available if you need someone to talk to, or drink some Serrice Ice Brandy. Still got a bottle left." She smiled at Shepard and dismissed her.

"Thank you Karin."


	7. Chapter 7: Truths

**As you might notice, I'm really making my own stamp on the story. Hope you enjoy it! (still waiting for reviews btw) ;)**

 **Made some small edits**

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Shepard walked up to Joker who was still accompanied by EDI and Traynor. Laughs came up from the cockpit. Shepard leaned against the door opening and watched the three of them.

"You would sooooo DO EDI Joker, don't deny it!" Traynor said. She laughed so hard, she had to hold her tummy.

"NOOOO, NOOOO well erm NOOOO! I WOULD NOT!" Joker said defensively. His face getting redder by the second.

"Joker, you are lying." EDI stated. " From the moment you saw me, your body temperature and heart rate increased, which indicates that you are experiencing arousal."

"Well well well." Shepard started, startling the others. "It looks like Joker has a little crush on our AI. I have seen your extranet history. I am not surprised,to say the least." Shepard said with a huge grin on her face.

"Can't the three of you leave me alone? I am trying to dock this ship!"

"Oooohhh alright. Can't take a joke from three ladies Joker? Traynor winked teasingly at Joker. Shepard looked intrigued at Traynor. _She can look him in the eyes without any problems… so it must be me._ Traynor caught Shepard looking at her. She directly broke eye contact and turned to Joker again." Did you already get clearance?"

"No, they are transferring me to an _Alliance official_." He mocked those last 2 words. "Figures though… Finally back in action, and already the Alliance wants us tagged and collared."

"Just our way to welcoming you back, Flight Lieutenant." Sounded through the cockpit speakers which made Joker blush again, not realizing they were already on his channel.

"Uuuhh yes ma'am, requesting docking permission." Joker continued

"Docking permission granted. Would you like private transportation to be arranged?"

"I need to get to the hospital." Shepard answered. "EDI could you announce that everybody has one day shore leave?. I expect everybody back and ready to leave in 24 hours."

"Yes Shepard. May I take this body on the Citadel as well? I would like to observe the people and their habits for my study to integrate in society." EDI asked.

"EDI, when I say everybody, that includes you." Shepard put her hand on her shoulder and gave her a smile. "I'm going now. I will be at Purgatory tonight. I am buying." Shepard walked away and got into the cab.

When Shepard arrived at the hospital, she directly walked up to Ashley's room, opened the door and caught Udina there talking to Ashley. "We need good, no exceptional soldiers like you in the galaxy, now more than ever."

"I still need time. You will have your answer soon. I promise" Ashley replied. Her face was still bruised and swollen.

"I'm looking forward to it" Udina replied and left the room, giving Shepard a nod. Shepard picked up a chair and sat next to Ashley. "Hey Ash, how you feeling?" Shepard asked in a soft and caring voice.

"Like I have been smacked against a shuttle by some mech." Ashley answered and both of them laughed. "Ouch" Ashley coughed. "Laughing is supposed to be the best medicine in life… well it hurts like hell." She grinned now instead of laughing.

"It's good to see you're doing better. I was worried like hell."

"Yeah, I know. The nurse told me you visited me a few days ago."

"I received your e-mail. have you already decided what you're going to do?"

"The Spectre job. It's an honor and all, but I don't know yet. I need to think about it some more."

"If you doubting that you're suitable. You are. You're one of the best soldiers out there. You would be the best Spectre out there…. Well after me of course." Shepard winked at Ashley

"Ouch… Damn you Shepard don't make me laugh!"

"Ash."

"Shepard."

"If you don't become a Spectre, come back to the Normandy. Still missing an XO."

"Thanks Shepard, I'll keep it in mind. If you don't mind, I need to get some sleep now. Been a long day with physiotherapy and all."

"No worries Ash, we'll talk later." Shepard kissed her forehead once again and walked away.

 _Why did I offer the XO position to Ash? She would be much safer here than on the Normandy._ Shepard already started to hate herself for asking her back. She stepped in the elevator and pushed the button for Presidium.

The elevator arrived and Shepard walked out. She inhaled deeply, taking in the fresh air. _How do they do it?! It smells exactly like the woods on Earth._ She never knew that woods smelled like this, until the Alliance grounded her. Anderson took her to the woods every now and then, so she would get outside the compound. He knew all too well Shepard otherwise would have otherwise gone insane. And the galaxy didn't need an insane Shepard. She walked up to the balustrade and leaned on it. _It's amazing... The waterfalls, the creeks, the trees and flowers._ Shepard took another deep breath and kept gazing around her.

Liara walked up to Shepard and stood next to her in silence for a few minutes before she started the conversation. "It's amazing, isn't it." Shepard nodded. I didn't know you liked it here Quinn." Liara looked up to Shepard.

"I never realized it either Liara. I never appreciated it until they took my freedom on Earth. Every time Anderson took me to the woods, I took in the fresh air as if it was my last bit of freedom. My last breath of fresh air."

"I see."

"Liara, why are you here?"

"I had some business to attend. On my way back to the Normandy I saw you standing here. I still owe you a chat. What did you want to discuss?"

Shepard straightened before she answered. "What happened with you after…. after I died? You are not the same anymore. You…. hardened."

"Quinn, I didn't mean to push you away… But your death, it took a toll on me. I tried to find you, your body, I wanted you back home. A place where I, we, could mourn you. I had to go through hell and back. I found out I wasn't the only one looking for you. This is how I learned about the Shadow Broker. He was in my way every turn. This is why I made my own information network, to get back in the race. But it wasn't enough. I was…. too late." Tears filled Liara's eyes. "When you came back, and you stood in front of me, the only thing I could think was that I could not lose you again. I could not deal with the grief again." Liara faced the park again, hanging over the balustrade. "That is why I finally joined you on the mission. If you would not survive it, I would die, with you." Shepard looked at Liara, and out of nowhere, gave her a hug. "I didn't know, why didn't you tell me that sooner, Liara?"

"I didn't want to place the burden of my grief on you Shepard. You have had enough to deal with, and still have. But enough talking about me. I noticed you are not doing well. What is on your mind Shepard?"

"I don't know… I guess I do, but I don't either… I just feel… empty. As if a darkness is consuming me. I guess I am just tired…. I don't know if I can win this war, if I even want to win or fight this war. I know I should care, I want to care. I just…. I just can't watch anyone else die."

"Is this why you hardly interact with the new people on the ship?"

"Huh?"

"I notice things too Shepard. How else could I be an information broker?"

"Maybe…"

"You need to let people in again. I guess you haven't discussed any of this with anyone. Keeping everything in. The path you'are on right now will only lead us to defeat. Let people in again. If not for you, then for me. I am only a 106 years old, I still have my whole life in front of me." She gave Shepard a small smile. "Engage with Traynor…. " Liara continued. "I noticed how you look at her. I also noticed how she looks at you, when you are not looking of course." Liara pushed away from the balustrade and started to walk. "Think about this Shepard, for now…. I have to return to the Normandy." Liara gave Shepard a wave from above her head and she disappeared in the elevator.

After spending some more time gazing at the park in the Presidium, Shepard went back to the Normandy so she could get dressed before going to Purgatory. Shepard tried to walk into the elevator but instead she bumped into Traynor.

"Oh sorry Traynor, I wasn't paying any attention." She looked at her. Traynor wore a nice black strapless dress, which accentuated all her curves perfectly. Liara's conversation popped up in her head. _I have seen how Traynor looks at you._ Shepard felt a heat flare coming up. _Oh no, I don't want to blush!_

"No worries Commander". Traynor answered, not meeting Shepard's eyes again.

"Please call me Shepard when we are on leave. Like I said, I am not a fan of formalities."

"I will…. Shepard." Traynor answered awkwardly. "Erm I'll see you later at Purgatory? You promised drinks, and I feel like drinking a few." She gazed briefly into Shepard's eyes, gave her a smile and walked past her.

"I'll be there, you will get your drink." Shepard smiled back. Still trying to suppress a blush. The elevator door closed and Shepard rested her head against the back. _What is happening to me? I never experienced anything like this before. Is it just because of the conversation I had with Liara? Noooo it isn't. This started when we first met…_ Her mind kept racing while she changed herself in her black female suit with a white blouse that she didn't tuck in her pants and some heels that were not too high. _God I still hate those heels… it is just that they make my butt look fabulous….. And since when do I dress to impress? GOD SHEPARD THIS ISN'T YOU!_ Still mumbling in disbelief to herself, Shepard left the Normandy and took a taxi to Purgatory.

 **BOOM BOOM BOOM** The beat of the music was drumming through the entrance door. Shepard walked to the front of the queue, passing people who were waiting to go inside. _Being famous does have its perks! Is that Cortez and Vega over there?_

"YO Lola, could you help us get in? We've been waiting in this queue like forever" Vega shouted. Shepard waved them over. "For you guys... anything. Why didn't they let you in?"

"Cause they don't believe we are Normandy crew." Cortez answered.

"How dare they!" Shepard said with a huge smile. "They don't believe two handsome guys like you? Shepard laughed. "Let's go… The rest is probably waiting for me to pick up tonight's tab and you guys look like you could use a few drinks as well. God knows I do! And a lot of them!"

After searching through the crowds, the three of them finally found where the rest of the crew was and were greeted like they were long lost friends.

"What took you so long?" Garrus asked while hugging Shepard.

"Well I needed to save these guys… They were stuck in the queue outside" Shepard laughed.

"Well you're all here now, so let me get you some drinks" Garrus said

"Errr thanks? You know they are on me right?"

"I know, that's why I offered." Garrus chuckled.

They all sat down in their private boot. Laughs and drinks were shared. Shepard was intoxicated enough so she decided to go sit next to Traynor, who herself had a red blush on her face from the alcohol rushing through her veins. _Ok let's take Liara's advice and let people in again. Why did I pick Traynor now? Could've talked with Cortez… hardly know anything about him._ Shepard looked around to see where Cortez was. It looked like he was talking with EDI. _Hmm nope he is talking with EDI about whatever…._ She scanned the booth further for anyone else. Everybody was already talking or dancing with someone. Except for Traynor. _Okay, Traynor it is._ Shepard cleared her throat before talking with her.

"Hi Traynor." Shepard almost sounded nervous.

"Shepard, are you checking in on your latest recruit?"

"Euh yeah…. Sorry I didn't have the chance to talk to you earlier in..." Shepard looked around before finishing her sentence. "Private?"

"No worries CommaaaaShepard." Traynor looked directly into Shepard's eyes for the first time. Shepard felt a rush going through her body. _My god those eyes… NO SHEPARD this is not you, act normal!_ "I know you have been busy with fighting a war and such. I don't hold grudges." A small smile now also appeared on Traynors face. "But you may make it up to me with a dance."

"Deal." Shepard stood up and courted Traynor in the old-fashioned way.

"I knew you were insane, but I didn't expect this kind of madness." Traynor chuckled and took Shepard's hand. The moment Traynors skin touched Shepard's, She felt a strange warmth filling her body. _Don't start blushing, don't start blushing, don't start blushing._ Shepard did her best to suppress her feelings. They both walked to the dance floor while Shepard still held on Traynor, who didn't make any effort to let go of Shepard. It even felt like she held Shepard's hand tightly as possible, without squeezing it.

"How are you doing? Being on the Normandy and all?" Shepard leaned in to Traynor so she could hear her.

"I'm still finding my bearings. When I was working on the Normandy's upgrade, I just left and went home at the end of my day. I didn't even have a toothbrush or a change of clothes until I made some emergency purchases on the Citadel."

"Next time you need something, just ask. You're not alone here, even though I may not have given you the attention you deserve." _Did I just say you deserve?_

"Oh it is no trouble, Shepard. I'm sure you have larger concerns." Traynor gazed in Shepard's eyes for a moment and let go of Shepard hands, dancing more like the other people on the dance floor.

"We can put in a requisition order."

"My toothbrush is a Ciscion Pro Mark 4. It uses mass effects fields to break up plaque and massage the gums."

"Ok done."

"It costs 6000 credits." Traynor whispered in Shepard's ear. Shepard looked shocked. "6000 credits? OK… you're on you own with that." Both of them started laughing. "6000 credits for a freaking toothbrush?" _Really? Toothbrushes? You're worried about that?_

"Well this smile is worth it." Traynor winked. "Now that we are talking, I want to thank you for giving me the chance to stay on the Normandy."

"Well you're giving me second thoughts with all your toothbrush worries. We kinda have bigger problems now…"

Traynor looked up to Shepard and stopped dancing. "Oh believe me, seeing the Reapers on Earth was terrifying, but it won't help anyone if I burst up in tears in the CIC, will it?. Being on the Normandy helps, if anyone in the galaxy can stop the Reapers, it's you! And if flagging your messages and managing strategic Intel helps you in any way, then it's worth it." Could we sit down again Shepard? These heels are called killer heels for a reason, and they are killing my heels now." Both of them laughed about her joke and walked back to their booth where the next round of drinks was waiting for them. Traynor sat down and picked up her drink. "Cheers Shepard, to victory!" Shepard took her drink and clinked it with Traynors glass.

"Where you from originally Traynor?"

"Please call me Samantha or Sam. I still hate the last name part"

"Well for tonight, call me Quinn."

"Ok…. Quinn. I am from a colony in the Terminus System actually. Though I studied on Earth at Oxford. My parents were from London. They loved Earth but wanted the freedom a colony life could offer. If they stayed in London, I imagine they would be dead right now." Traynor sounded both relieved and sad. Shepard put her hand on Traynor's knee.

"A lot of people back on Earth are alive right now, and counting on us." _Why am I trying to reassure her? When I think it's useless…. No Shepard…. Keep the darkness away. Liara is right. I need to find a reason…._ Shepard looked at Traynor again. _Maybe I found one already…? Who am I kidding? A natural beauty like her would never go for me. Liara misinterpreted it. She could be wrong… Could she?_

"That's quite true, Quinn" She looked at Shepard and gave a weak smile.

"How did you end up in the military anyway?

"My family didn't have money for university. When the Alliance saw my aptitude scores, they offered me full scholarship. After I served my required years, I decided to stay. I really liked the challenges of the lab. Although I'm sure I'll grow to love front-line services as well." Shepard was sure she saw a twinkle in Traynor's eyes when she said that.

"You worked in Alliance R&D?"

"Yes. You would think that quantum entanglement would make communications easier, but imagine incorporating multiple incoming sources." Traynor started to glow now. _Wow someone really loves her job!_ "And then networking them with extrapolations of time-lagged data to construct a coherent situation GUI." Traynor continued. "It's an exciting challenge! For me, anyway." A small blush of embarrassment appeared on her face now. "You must think I am such a geek."

"Don't be shy about it Sam, we need geeks to save the galaxy." Traynor now looked up again and smiled. Shepard stood up again and reached for Traynor's hand. "This dance is on me, not because I owe you anything." Traynor accepted Shepard's hand and they both joined the rest of the crew on the dance floor.


	8. Chapter 8

Edited 6sept2016

* * *

Shepard woke up with a massive hangover from the night before. Even though she felt like shit, she was happy she slept without nightmares for a change. Or at least none she could remember. She threw off the blankets and realized she was still in her clothing from last night. The whole evening flashed before her eyes again and a small smile signed her face. She felt happy, a feeling she hadn't felt in a while. A feeling caused by dancing the night away with Traynor. Not that something happened, it just felt…. good. Not thinking about war, friends she had lost or friends she might still lose. Just dancing. _God she was breathtaking. I haven't felt anything like this since Liara._ Shepard sighed, her smile vanished and the darkness inside her stirred again. _I know it was her idea that I would engage with Traynor… but how does she really feel about it? I was falling in love with her, just before I died and I am certain she felt the same…. but now Traynor… wow…_ Shepard tried to shake off these thoughts by taking a quick shower, threw on her N7 clothes and went to the mess hall for some coffee.

Shepard sat down with a hot steamy cup of Joe. _Just what I needed. It's gonna be a long day or days before I can take some rest again... and this hangover is not helping._ "Shepard, Admiral Hackett is on in the vid room." _Traynor already on duty?_ "Thank you Traynor." Shepard stood up and went to talk to Hackett.

"Commander, have you retrieved the Primarch for your summit?" It seemed like Hackett just walked into the hologram.

"Yes, sir, but the Asari are staying on the sidelines."

"They will regret that. The time for unity is now."

"The Salarians will be there though." _Which is going to be interesting._

"You don't sound very optimistic."

"Yeaaahhhhh, well, we expect that the Krogan will be joining us, too." _And that will be even more interesting._

"I see. Well, then you will have your hands full, Commander. Keep me posted on your progress. Hackett out." Shepard walked out the war room, passed security to go back into the CIC. "Morning Commander." The two female guards saluted her. "Morning." Shepard replied. "Are you all prepped and ready for the summit? I want nothing in there that could harm anyone…. except the Krogan."

"Yes, ma'am. Specialist Traynor already briefed us 2 hours ago." Private Westmoreland answered. _2 hrs ago? Did that woman even sleep?_ "Good to hear. Carry on." Shepard walked into the CIC. She directly looked to Traynor's console and caught herself smiling. _Stay professional Shepard!_

"Traynor."

"Shepard."

"I hear you already been a busy bee today. Didn't you sleep?"

"I did. A whole hour or so. I never sleep well after drinking."

"So you've been working? Even though you probably were still intoxicated?"

"No of course not ma'am!" Traynor said defensively. "Dr Chakwas gave me something. I don't know what it was, but within a few minutes I felt great!" Excitement was showing all over Traynor due to this miracle drug.

"Sounds like she gave you a stimm." Shepard chuckled when she remembered her first time she got a stimm shot. She felt like she was bouncing all over the place,being so hyper. "As long you keep in mind that if you use it to often, it will have serious consequences for your body and mind."

"Dr. Chakwas explained everything to me, and I am not thinking of getting _THIS_ drunk every night." Traynor finally looked up from the console she was working on, her pupils dilated. "If you don't mind of course, _Commander_." She said teasingly and smiled at Shepard. _She looks like she feels more confident around me. Is it because of last night or are the stimms taking over at the moment?._ "That's fine by me, _Specialist."_ Shepard teased back.

"Shepard, the Salarian Dalatrass and the Krogan Clan Chief are ready to come on board." Joker informed Shepard over the PA system.

"Traynor, could you bring them to the conference room?" Shepard asked. "And let's hope this doesn't start another war." Shepard mumbled as she turned around to go ahead to the conference room to wait them up.

After an hour or so Shepard returned in the CIC and walked up the Galaxy map whilst rubbing the bridge of her nose.

"That bad?" Traynor asked. Shepard looked down to her and smiled. "Could be worse… we are still all alive, so that's win." Shepard chuckled. "But no, it wasn't good. I'm literally going to gamble that I'm doing the right thing here. Joker, set course for Sur'Kesh. We have a female Krogan to pick up." Everybody in the CIC looked up from their consoles with surprise. "A female Krogan? On Sur'Kesh?" Joker replied skeptical.

"Yes Joker, that is right. Now step on it, before the Dalatrass makes sure we can't set foot on the planet."

"Aye Aye, Commander."

After Shepard gave the order to Joker, Shepard briefed Liara and Garrus about the mission to retrieve a female Krogan. "A Krogan? A _female_ Korgan? on Sur'Kesh? " Liara sounded surprised. It didn't happen often that she wasn't aware about something this important since she became the Shadow Broker. "That's indeed what I said Liara." Shepard felt wary about this mission. Wrex insisted that he would come along on this mission and she didn't like this unpredictable variable. She liked Wrex, but now with female Krogans and a chance to reverse the genophage? He might turn out to be a loose cannon.

Even before they landed on Sur'Kesh, the trouble started. "What do you mean, no permission to land the shuttle?" Shepard asked Cortez. "Tell them the Dalatrass authorized this herself!" Shepard sounded pissed off by this.

"I knew they would never keep their word." Wrex stated. "Let's see them try to stop a Krogan airdrop!" He opened the door and jumped out. _Great… well let's see how this will play out._ Shepard followed him without thinking over the consequences of their actions. The both of them were greeted with hostilities from the Salarian guards. Luckily before the situation could escalate any further, a Salarian ran to the bickering party and broke them up. "I am sorry Shepard, your clearance just came in. This should not have happened. We must insist the Krogan stays under guard."

"Try me." Wrex showed an ominous smile on his reptilian face.

"And if we insist otherwise?" Shepard asked.

"You will have another war on your hand."

Shepard sighed before speaking again. "Wrex, please, just stay here and behave."

"Fine, but if anything goes wrong, all bets are of."

Shepard, Liara and Garrus followed the Salarian to an elevator. Before they entered, a breach alarm went off. _This can't be good…_ They quickly went down into the facility. Once the door opened Shepard was pleasantly surprised, again. "Shepard, excellent timing. Good to have you here." Mordin said.

"Mordin, good to see you too. Didn't expect to see you working here."

"What are you doing back at STG?" Garrus asked.

"I'm special consultant. Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong." Mordin looked around and whispered "Helped female Krogan. Fed information to clan Urdnot. Encouraged political pressure to free females."

"So you're the source Wrex was talking about."

"Talk about this later. Now we must release the female. Only one left. To valuable." Mordin quickly loaded the female in a special container, which had to clear a few checkpoints. "Meet me at checkpoints. You have to authorize every point." Shepard, Liara and Garrus went for the elevator to go up, but when the door opened they only found a bomb. They ran away from it, but the blast still threw them through the air before they hit the ground. After shaking the blast off, they started searching for an alternative exit. They found an emergency exit on the other side of the room and started to run up the stairs to the first checkpoint. Before they could reach it, a shuttle came hovering above them and some Cerberus soldiers jumped out. _Cerberus? Are you fucking kiddin' me?_ Wrex popped up on Shepard's omnitool. "Shepard, Cerberus troops are attacking the base."

"Yeah, no shit. Just ran into some." Shepard answered whilst shooting the troops.

"We need to get the females out now!" Wrex yelled at Shepard.

"We only have one, Wrex, the rest is dead. If you don't mind, I have to kill some Cerberus scum."

"Get her out alive Shepard, otherwise the deal is off for your Alliance." Wrex disconnected the connection. _Yeah yeah, no pressure at all._ "Garrus, Liara, cover the left flank, I'm going for the checkpoint!"

"We've got your back Shepard, GO!" Garrus replied

After fighting through several levels and clearing the checkpoints, the threat appeared to be eliminated. Wrex and Cortez landed the shuttle while Mordin released the female Krogan. Wrex directly approached her, pushed Mordin aside, and courted her by giving his hand to help her out of the container. To his surprise she refused his hand, which angered Wrex. "THERE THEY ARE!" A Cerberus soldier yelled out of nowhere. Everybody turned in surprise, except the female. Without any hesitation she grabbed Wrex's shotgun and shot both of them. She pushed the shotgun back in Wrex his hand. "I can handle myself Wrex." And she walked to the shuttle. The rest looked at each other flabbergasted and followed. "You may call me Eve." With these words the shuttle took off and went back to the Normandy.

Before Shepard could set foot on the Normandy, she already got a message from Traynor that Hackett was waiting for her in the vid room.

"Commander, I'm hearing chatter you're brokering a treaty between the Krogans and Turians?"

"That is correct. If I get Krogan boots on Palaven, the Turians promise me their support."

"How did Cerberus get involved?" _How the hell does he know that? I didn't even have time to debrief!_ "I don't know. The Illusive Man is up to something."

"Then keep them at bay. I can't overstate what a victory this treaty will be for the Alliance." _Yeah no shit…._ "We need all the help we can get. "Hackett continued.

"How is the Prothean device coming?"

"The Alliance R&D has officially begun construction. The team has dubbed it 'Project Crucible'. We're throwing everybody who knows how to hold a hammer at it. This is going to be the most ambitious undertaking in human history."

"Will we get it done?"

"I am not saying it won't be a challenge… but our researchers say the designs are elegant…. Massive in scope, but strangely simple as well. We can do this Shepard. You can do it. Never doubt that." _Why is he saying that? Never doubt. Did someone tell him I have doubts? Am I showing doubts?_ "Euh No SIR." _Oh god that didn't sound convincingly at all. STUPID STUPID STUPID._ Shepard saluted Hackett and walked out the vid room.


	9. Chapter 9: Family

edited 6sept2016

* * *

When Shepard was on her way to the CIC from the war room, she heard Primarch Victus and Wrex bickering. "You have your female Wrex, a cure for the rest of your people can come later."

"That was not the deal." Wrex replied.

"But Palaven needs your reinforcements now. We can't delay!"

"Unless every Krogan gets the cure, there is no alliance!" Wrex restrained himself. His fist was ready to strike.

"Oh my god!" Shepard yelled when she walked in the conference room. "Are you still bickering about the details?! People are dying everywhere!"

"Sorry Shepard. No cure, no help."

"Fine!" She said irritated with Wrex. "Mordin, how long will it take to make a cure?"

"Need to synthesize base antigen from female. Also requires healthy male Krogan tissue. Will need sample"

"You're looking at it." Wrex replied, unaware of the pain that he would suffer soon.

"Acceptable." Mordin replied. "Need you to remain on Normandy for procedure."

"Well let's hope the food's gotten better." Wrex said in disgust.

"Don't get your hopes up Wrex. It hasn't. Mordin, get started. And be quick." Shepard left the conference room to go back to the CIC. When Shepard finally returned inside the CIC she directly noticed Traynor was frowning at her console."Traynor is something on your mind?"

"Shepard, I don't know. I found something suspicious. Do you have a minute?"

"For you? Always." S _mooth Shepard. Sigh._ Traynor turned to Shepard and raised an eyebrow for a second. "Well, Commander, I found something while scanning Alliance channels. It could be important." Traynor sounded concerned yet insecure. "Grissom academy is requesting help. The Reaper invasion front will hit them soon."

"Grissom? I thought all the academy's were closed."

"Well this academy is not really standard. The best biotics of the Galaxy are there. The Alliance needs them to be ready for their duties asap.

"Okay…. And what can we do for them?"

"A Turian evac transport responded to their distress call, so normally I'd say we don't need to do anything. But something sounded off in the Turian signal. I had EDI analyze it. It's fake."

"Fake?"

"EDI thinks it's Cerberus."

"Cerberus?"

"Yes. She said that the fake Turian signal is similar like the one that lured you into a Collector ship…?" Traynor looked curiously at Shepard

"Long story."

"If you say so. In any event, whoever faked the signal wants us to think that Grissom Academy is being evacuated. But I believe they're still in danger."

"Good catch, maybe you belong here after all."

"If this really is Cerberus, hopefully this operation is something worth investigating. It could be simply disinformation." Insecurity crept back in Traynor's voice. Shepard grabbed Traynor's hand. "Traynor…. Good catch" They looked each other in the eyes for a moment longer than necessary, and then Traynor pulled back her hand. "Thank you Commander." She replied with a soft voice. _Was it me, or did she blush?_ "Put it on the Galaxy map and we'll go there as soon as possible. Shepard started to walk away but then turned around. "Traynor."

"Yes ma'am?" She looked over her shoulder to Shepard.

"I'm going to have some lunch. Would you like to join me?"

"I am sorry Shepard, but I have a ton of work to do." Traynor said apologetic. But Shepard didn't accept that. "Might be, but you are useless to me if you don't eat. You've been working more hours than I have. Don't make me order you to eat!" Shepard said with a smile.

"Yes _ma'am."_ Traynor pulled herself away from her console and walked up to Shepard. "I know you are right Shepard… but these stimms… wow…." Shepard chuckled at that. "Just wait until they wear out. You won't be laughing that much then."

"How come?"

"Well let's say that a regular hangover will feel like heaven." She winked at Traynor. They arrived at the mess hall and both sat down at one of the empty tables. "I hope you are joking Shepard." She gave Shepard a serious look. "You will find it out soon enough, Traynor." Shepard chuckled mischievously. "Ok what do you feel like? I can cook you something up in the kitchen, I am not in the mood for yet another energy bar."

"Surprise me." Traynor laughed.

"Well I will make you my specialty… French toast and some coffee."

"Are you shitting me? I love those! But I prefer tea if you don't mind me changing your specialty."

"Fiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnneee tea it is." Shepard rolled her eyes and dove into the fridge to get some eggs and milk, got some bread from the freezer while the pan was heating on the stove. "Damn it. Where is the cinnamon?" Shepard swore under her breath. Traynor heard it and stood up to walk to her quarters. Shepard didn't notice she was gone until she stood next to hear with a jar of cinnamon dangling in front of her nose. "I never leave without any." Traynor smiled. "Thank god I found a vendor on the Citadel who sold it, for too many credits though." Shepard took it from her hand and sprinkled it in the batter before she drowned some pieces of bread in it. A few moments later she tossed the bread in the frying pan. "What is that smell?" Garrus said when he walked in the kitchen from the main battery

"French toast." Traynor replied. "Did you ever had any?"

"No, but it smells delicious! Could I have some?. Shepard already got some bread from the freezer. "Right behind you Garrus. Just take a seat. Will only take a few minutes." She handed out the first batch to Traynor.

"Garrus, would you like some tea to go with it?" Traynor asked.

"Don't mind if I do." He smiled at Traynor as he sat down.

"Are you making french toast?" sounded from Liara's door. "And you did not invite me? You do remember I _love_ your french toast?! Shepard noticed that Traynor looked at Liara and then at her. She could see the question marks in her eyes with a hint of disappointment. _Damn it Liara! Why did you have to say it like that…?_ "I'm sorry Liara, I only planned to make it for Traynor... She looked at Traynor and gave her a smile. "But the more the merrier. Right?

"Indeed it is." Liara looked at Traynor. Suddenly a scream of agony come from the med bay. "You did that on purpose!" Wrex snarled at Mordin while rubbing his butt as he walked in the mess hall

"Had to do it like this. Had to be. Someone else might have done it _wrong."_ Everybody in the mess hall chuckled.

"Poor Wrex, maybe you will forget the pain after you ate some? Shepard tried to suppress her laughter, without any success. Wrex grumbled and sat down next to Garrus and gave him an evil eye but Garrus didn't stop laughing loudly.

Before Shepard knew it, she was making toast for the whole crew. EDI joined as well, looking at Joker how he enjoyed his toast. Shepard finally sat down next to Traynor, bringing her another piece. "Sorry, this isn't how I planned our lunch." Shepard said apologetic.

"I rather like this." Traynor said. "Just look around. Everybody is enjoying it. It reminds me of a big holiday dinner with my family, except this family consists out of multiple species." Shepard looked around her, and indeed it did feel like a family. Chakwas was discussing something with Liara, Garrus and Wrex were bickering, as always, even Westmoreland and Campbell were enjoying some downtime with Vega and Cortez. _I need to get over myself…. I need to start believing I can do this…. this war… I have to fight it….. for my... family. I need to fight the darkness that keeps creeping up in me._ Shepard looked at Traynor. "Thanks" She said.

"For what Shepard?"

"Showing me what I am fighting for." She looked Traynor in her eyes and gave her a smile while restraining herself not to take her hand.

"Huh?!" Traynor said confused.

"Never mind. How are you settling in?" Shepard said to divert the conversation.

"I'm actually feeling somewhat useful. It's been challenging to integrate data feeds for the war summit."

"Good to hear you are feeling useful, but how are you _settling in._ How do you like life on a spaceship?

"I am still getting used to all this." She looked around her. "In the lab we'd to hoard up everything…. Piles of tech everywhere."

"Life on an active spaceship always feels crowded at first. You'll get used to this."

"Oh it is not a bad thing. I've got no problems getting _cozy_." She smiled at Shepard. _Ok did she just…. flirt a bit there?_ "This is wonderful." Traynor continued. "In the lab we had to hoard because we had no budget. But now…. EDI, Ariake Tech uses proprietary smart-processing algorithm that could clean up our long range data. Can we license it?

"We can, analyzing and applying the upgrade now. The algorithm should reduce the long range strategic combat data analysis time by three percent." EDI replied through Traynor's omnitool. Shepard looked over her shoulder and saw that EDI never stopped her conversation with Joker while she replied to Traynor. _Taking multitasking to a whole new dimension eh EDI._ "Impressive" Shepard looked at Traynor again.

"If it means I am getting the equipment I need, I can quite happily live out of a shoe box." Traynor continued. She smiled at Shepard. Before Traynor stood up to leave, she put her hand on Shepard's thigh. "I am sorry Shepard, but I have to continue my work now. Thank you for the food. It was lovely." As Traynor left, Shepard stayed behind shocked about what just happened. _Ok…. What was that? She is flirting with me… the cozy part and now her hand on my thigh? Get a grip! You need to concentrate… multiple missions are on the way!_ Shepard stood up. "Ok people." She addressed everybody in the mess hall. Finish your meal and get back to work. We have a busy schedule before us. I need everybody ready and alert." With that, Shepard disappeared in the elevator.


	10. Chapter 10

**I really had to over think and rewrite this chapter a bit. Missions are the hardest thing for me. I don't want to tamper with the game to much, yet keep it personal. I hope I achieved that in this chapter. Please drop a review or a message. Let me know what you think of it ;)**

* * *

Shepard stood by the galaxy map, pondering which mission she would do first. She had three choices: Helping the Turians on Tuchanka, help the Krogans with the Rachni or Grissom Academy.

A few hours ago Victus acted mysterious. There was a problem on Tuchanka, his men were pinned down by the Reapers, but he was reluctant to share why the hell they were there in the first place. After the Primarch was gone, Wrex also presented a problem to Shepard. Something about a missing team, who where looking to confirm if the Rachni were back. She really wanted to go to Grissom first, but pleasing everybody so she could form an alliance was the utmost important thing. _God I hate choices like this._ "EDI, how long will it take Cerberus to reach Grissom Academy?"

"Calculated from the first signal we received and the average speed of their ships it will take them another 3 days, 8 hours and 25 minutes. Do consider there is a 9.32 percent deviation."

"Is there a possibility that we can go to the Attican Travers and Tuchanka and still manage to reach Grissom Academy in time?"

"There is an 82,43 percent probability that you will be on time."

"Thank you EDI." _Alright. Grissom as last then._ She bent over the Galaxy map again. They were already in the vicinity of Tuchanka and the Attican Traverse was not far behind that. _Ok let's do this then._ "Joker, set course for Tuchanka. Garrus, Vega, get prepped for the mission."

Shepard went down to the cargo bay to tinker some on her weapons. She felt bad that she had chosen another mission then Traynor's. Afraid that Traynor might feel like she didn't take her serious, so she decided to send her a message on the omnitool:

* * *

From: Shepard, Q

To: Traynor, S

Hi Traynor,

Sorry that we're not on our way to Grissom. It really was a good catch, but the stakes of forming an alliance are too high. I need to do these first. I hope we're still in time.

Q. Shepard

* * *

She pressed sent. Before she could even walk to the weapons bench her omnitool bleeped:

* * *

From: Traynor, S

To: Shepard, Q

Hello Shepard.

No worries. It is like chess, sometimes it is better to sacrifice a piece to protect the king. I hope we are on time as well.

S. Traynor

PS Stay safe.

* * *

Shepard felt that rush of warmth again, just like the first time she touched her hand. Unfortunately she couldn't enjoy the feeling for long. Wrex walked into the cargo bay and directly fired questions at her. "Is the cure for the genophage already done?"

"No Wrex, it is not."

"Then why are we on our way to Tuchanka?"

"The Primarch asked me to help some of his men out."

"His man? Turians are on MY planet? WHY?" His face started to turn red from anger and his fist where balled again." The last time Shepard saw a rage like this in his eyes was during their hunt for Saren when they learned he had a cure and was breeding a Krogan army. They had to destroy the facility and the cure along with it. It took a significant amount of swearing to get through in Wrex his mind, there was unfortunately, no other option. "Calm down Wrex. I don't know the details, only if we could help him out."

"I am going to go to him and get some answers!"

"Don't do that Wrex." Shepard ordered with a stern voice. "We will know the details soon. Just please calm down."

"Hmpf." He grunted. "Fine, but if something goes wrong, I'll tear his head of!" He turned on his heel and walked away. _Great…. An angry Krogan… just what I need…_ She threw one of the magazines of her sidearm that she just picked up through the cargo bay. "Ey Lola, take it easy!" Vega shouted to Shepard from the other side. "Keep that rage for the battlefield." She looked at Vega, and that was enough for him to know to keep his mouth shut again and kept his hands up in surrender. "Ma'am, we're nearing the planet. I am ready for take off." Cortez sounded on the omnitool.

"Thank you Cortez. Let's go." Before they landed, the mission didn't turn out to be anything they could've imagine. It started with the mission parameters given by EDI. They were supposed to find the son of Primarch Victus, which already was going to be tough, but to make things worse, Victus and his men were surrounded by Reapers, worst of all they were surrounded by Collector ships. "So a secret mission on Tuchanka is especially odd. Any thoughts?" Garrus asked.

"Nothing has come through any of my networks." Liara replied over the headset.

"Well whatever it is, my gut tells me it is going to be bad." Shepard said. While navigating through the ruins, they had to fight of heavy Reaper resistance, the worst Shepard ever seen, beside the Collector ship she had been in. She helped out a few of Victus's men, whom found their own way back to their Lieutenant, before they finally reached the main crash site. They were greeted by Lieutenant Victus. "Commander Shepard, my men and I are in your debt. Thank you for saving so many."

"What happened here?" Before Victus could reply a Turian soldier grabbed him at his collar and faced him. "He screwed up!

"Stand down soldier!" Victus replied calmly.

"These men are dead because of him!" The soldier pointed to the pile of bodies with one hand, his other still around his collar.

"I said stand down!" Victus voice sounded dangerous this time.

"HEY! I just saved all your asses, so everybody calm down!" Shepard intervened. "Lieutenant, what's going on here? Shepard demanded.

"I made a bad call, this is all on me" Victus turned his head away in shame. "I chose caution and clever tactics over a head-on-attack…. My men paid the price."

"That's life! Deal with it! We have to go on."

"Of course, it is…. it is just fresh. Our mission is still a failure. When we've stabilized the wounded, we will head back to the fleet."

"So you're abandoning your mission?"

"We're down over 30 men! It'd be suicide!"

"Depends. What exactly did you come here to do?"

"There is a bomb here on the planet, we came to defuse it."

"What the hell! A bomb?! How big!" Shepard almost shouted to Victus. Garrus wanted to say something to Victus, but Shepard put her hand against his chest, silently pulling rank. Something she didn't do often.

"Enormous. Cerberus has it."

"Cerberus? And you want to abandon this mission? ARE YOU INSANE?!" Shepard spatted saliva on Victus face while yelling at him… The anger raised to a new height in her. "You need to finish the mission." She tried to get a grip on her emotions again.

"Haven't these men sacrificed enough?"

"They signed up for these kinds of sacrifices…. And so did you!"

"My men have lost hope, Commander. Even if I wanted to finish the mission, they don't."

"Then make them want it. That is your job as a Lieutenant."

"But…. how?"

"Their sacrifices mean others never have to face what they faced today. Remind them that those sacrifices have no honor if the mission fails." _Really? I need to tell you how to motivate your men? Gosh._ Victus turned around and gave a whole speech to his men. Shepard didn't listen to it, she turned to Garrus and Vega.

"Soooo…." She said.

"Well this makes things more interesting." Vega stated.

"That is an understatement, James." Garrus had a grave look in his eyes.

"Why does Cerberus have a bomb here?." Before someone could even try to give an explanation, Victus walked to Shepard. "We're a shell of what we were…. We could use your help."

"Yeah, well I wasn't planning to leave, until Cerberus is kicked of this damned planet. Send me the NavPoint."

"Thank you Shepard. This will give us some time to do some recon, to see what we are up against." Victus and his men walked away. "Traynor." Shepard talked into her mic. "Could you patch me through to Primarch Victus?"

"Yes ma'am." a few seconds of silence. "You can talk to him now."

"Shepard, what can I do for you?" The Primarch asked.

"Don't play innocent with me!" Why the hell didn't you tell me about a bomb on Tuchanka?! Why would you hide such a 'minor' detail." Shepard mocked at him. "What else are you hiding for me?!"

"I have nothing for you!"

"Are you shitting me? For an alliance to work I need to goddamn trust you!"

"Our friendship is new, Commander. Would you have trusted me with information that puts your people, earth, at risk?"

"Why would I want to jeopardize our alliance by lying to you now? That doesn't make any sense." The Primarch was silent for a moment.

"When I was a General I could pass these type of decision up the chain of command, now I am all I have. These kinds of decisions weigh heavy on me." A silence fell. Shepard was ready to disconnect their connection but before she could the Primarch spoke again. "Commander, one more thing. "Thank you for saving my son." The connection was disconnected. Shepard was ready to hit the mountain she was standing in front of, but Vega grabbed her fist…. "Lola, I understand this is frustrating, but this is not the way to deal with it." Shepard looked at Vega, first with fury, but quickly calmed down. "You're right." She sighed. "How much time before we have to be at the rendezvous point?"

"An hour" Traynor sounded through her intercom again. "It will take you 30 minutes to get there." The unexpected voice of Traynor made her inside flutter and it was getting harder for Shepard to deny her true feelings for Traynor. _How come, why…. why now?! Let go Shepard, you're on a mission now…_ "Shepard, are you okay? I am noticing a peak in your body temperature and heart rate, and not for the first time." EDI sounded almost concerned. "Maybe you should consult with Dr. Chakwas about this recurring events."

"That's not necessary." Shepard answered, giving herself an invisible facepalm. _No no no no…. really? Ok get a grip now…_ "Alright. Garrus, Vega, how are your guns and ammo? Do we need to go back for resupply?"

"Good to go Lola"

"I am fine Shepard."

"Then let's move out… I rather be there too early then too late." After almost half an hour of walking through the ruins of what used to be Krogan society at its height, Shepard, Vega and Garrus neared the rendezvous point. They received a transmission from Lieutenant Victus. "How are you holding up?" Shepard asked.

"We're holding up."

"What can you tell me about the Cerberus bomb?"

"It…. it is not Cerberus, Commander. It is…. Turian."

"What do you mean with 'Turian'?"

"It was planted there centuries ago, after the Krogan Rebellions. The bomb was a safeguard against another galactic war."

"Brutal, but it makes a certain kind of sense." Garrus looked at Shepard before he continued. "Put the Krogan down hard if they tried anything." Shepard wanted to reply, but decided it might be better for their friendship to not say anything. "Right now, we focus on disarming the bomb." She finally said.

"Yes, but Cerberus found it. Detonation means all-out war between my people and the Krogan."

"Well you got yourself to blame for that…" The words slipped before Shepard realized it. "We should go." She continued.

"The 9th platoon will cover your flank." After these words from Victus the communication ended. Shepard massaged her temples. Something she came to do more and more often lately. After a deep breath, she picked up her M15-Vindicator. "Time to kill some Cerberus…" _The only good thing of this mission._

Shepard hoped that they could move in undetected for the first few meters, so they could find a good vantage point and surprise them, but lady luck was, as per usual, not with them. From the moment they walked into the ruins, they were spotted and shots were fired. To make the best of the situation, Shepard finally released her anger, let the darkness take over. She ran into the line of fire while her suit repelled all the types of incoming projectiles. She shot the soldiers one by one with her rifle, which was set on 3 burst rounds. Ideal for organics. The moment her mag was empty, she threw the rifle aside and roared like a beast whilst running to her next victim. Once close enough she ripped the knife of her omnitool through the body and jerked it up, almost slicing him in half. Vega and Garrus kept close behind Shepard to make sure she wasn't flanked. Shepard looked around to find her next victim, but found none. While panting, she looked at the bodies that were once in her path, feeling satisfied. The darkness in her finally had a chance to roar, this time the darkness in her was a good thing. Vega and Garrus looked at her, slightly terrified. They have seen their commander do many stupid things, but this, this was beyond it. Garrus put his hand on her shoulder, which made Shepard jump around, with her knife ready. The adrenaline rush hadn't settled down yet.

"Shepard, calm down." He said softly. "Are you feeling OK?"

"Yeah, fine" Shepard still panted. Why?" Garrus eyes looked down, at a gaping hole in her suit. "Because of that." He nodded at the wound. Shepard looked as well. "Hmm guess one of them had a lucky shot." She looked at Garrus and started to laugh. "It's nothing… Flesh wound I guess… Could you be a dear and apply some medigel on it?" Garrus obeyed her order and pulled out one of the medigels. Shepard moaned in discomfort when the gel made contact with the wound. After letting the gel settle in for a few moments, they gathered their stuff again and continued on to the bomb site, hardly any resistance left. Victus his team had less luck with the resistance… but, he assured Shepard that they would make it.

After Shepard arrived at the dig site, her jaw dropped. The bomb was huge, and Cerberus managed to dig it out. "I hope Victus knows what he is doing, we won't get a second chance" Garrus said.

"We're moving to the control station." Victus informed Shepard.

"Roger that, we are on our way." Shepard replied and the three of them sled down the slopes of the ruins to the bomb site. They were awaited, again, by a wave of Cerberus soldiers. This time Shepard decided it would be better to play it a bit more safe and stayed in cover. Garrus and Vega were also in cover behind a huge piece of concrete on her left. The fighting was intense. At some point they thought they had the upper hand…. And at that moment an Atlas was dropped between them and the bomb. "Oh you have to be shitting me!" Vega mumbled.

"I thought you liked these kinds of things James." Garrus looked at him with a twinkle in his eyes. Shepard noticed that Lieutenant Victus got impatient and went for the controls of the bomb. "Could you guys just take the damn Atlas down? Victus is already at the controls. We need to defend him so he can bypass the bomb." Vega nodded and moved around so they could circle the Atlas. They kept pounding the Atlas with all they had. After a few minutes cracks started to appear in the glass dome protecting the soldier. Garrus took this opportunity, got his sniper rifle, aimed it and exhaled at the moment he pulled the trigger. The bullet penetrated the cracked glass and blew the head off the soldier. "WHOOOH Nice shot esse" Vega shouted while clearing the area.

"Commander, firewall is down." Victus informed Shepard. "I'm in!" But then he noticed that Cerberus hacked the trigger mechanism, the joyous in his voice disappeared. "Spirits…. It is set to detonate."

"Disarm the damn thing!"

"I can't! I have to separate the trigger from the bomb! Now! Cover me Shepard!" He directly climbed up one the arms that suspended the bomb in mid air. When he arrived at the top, he opened the latch with the controls to overwrite the mechanism in it. "Almost there Shepard." **POP POP POP** sound filled their ears. Shepard looked up, noticing that something was wrong. Only three pops instead of four. A panel fell down and landed beside her feet. "Victus, what is happening?"

"One of the triggers is jammed, I have to manually release it." He pulled out a cylinder.

"Victus!" Shepard shouted at him, but the last thing she heard from him was "Victory at any cost." A second cylinder fell down. The last trigger released and the trigger mechanism fell back in the hole it was dug out from, together with Victus. All that Shepard could do was watch it happen.


	11. Chapter 11: Confrontation

After the Kodiak docked in the cargo bay, leaning on Garrus, Shepard stumbled up to the med bay, the wound more severe than she thought at first. Chakwas awaited her already. Shepard laid down on the bed. "So I heard you acted like a fool on the battlefield." Chakwas snorted at Shepard.

"A fool or not, I got the job done." She stuck out her tongue to Chakwas, just to piss her off.

"Laugh about it if you want, but now I need to stitch you up, again." The motherly voice returned in her voice while she stitched the gaping wound on the left side of her abdomen. "Try to leave these intact for once, please." She gave Shepard a weak smile. "What where you thinking anyway, Shepard?"

"I don't know… I just… lost it.."

"Again." Chakwas interrupted. Shepard shot her a glare of death.

"Yeah well, you try being me! always trying to save the damn galaxy, seeing my friends die or getting hurt. Try dying yourself!" a silence followed. "It is just…"

"It'is ok Quinn. I understand. I just don't want you killing yourself because you're pissed off." She put her hand on Shepard's shoulder. "Now I ask you again, could you please try to leave this stitches in for a change? You are starting to look like the pig I practiced on when I was a first year resident at the academy." She winked at Shepard

"I'll try, Karin, but in a few hours I have to go on a mission again." Chakwas rolled her eyes and walked away to throw out the bloody bandages. Eve used this to adress Shepard. "Commander. I never had the chance to thank you in person. It means a lot for me and my species that you trusted me, us, and giving us another chance in this Galaxy."

"It's all good, Eve."

"No it is not. No one else would ever given us this chance. You are an exceptional being. I will make sure you will never regret your trust in me, in us." Shepard didn't know how to reply to this so she just laid down her head. The battle on Tuchanka and all the medigel took its toll. She lolled in sleep within a few minutes and again her dreams continued.

Surrounded by mountains, the only way out of Quinn's street was following the same path as the Batarian took. Quinn considered her options. If she stayed and they returned, she could be caught. If she would take the same road, she could be caught. Quinn came to the conclusion staying would probably be the safest option, yet she left. _Ok why am I doing this again? You know staying would probably be the best way to go…. Ohyeah… because I am stubborn as hell._ It sounded like something her mom would say. This upset Quinn for a moment. _Ok get a grip. Mom wouldn't want me to stand and cry here. That is not why she saved you._ She took a deep breath and tried to shake off the fear and grief. She slowly walked down the path that would lead her to the town square, and the Batarians. She stayed in the shades and near anything she could use as cover. After a few minutes she heard the Batarians talking, but couldn't understand a word they were saying. She peeked around the corner to see where they were standing. _Ok about 10 meters, with their backs to me._ She sprinted silently to the other side of the road so she had a better view. She crawled behind the huge roots of a huge tree. _Are they rounding up all the people in 2 groups?_ The Batarian divided the people in a group male and a group female, elderly and young children. A transportation shuttle landed. The males where forced in. Woman screaming and children crying. _Oh no… they wouldn't…_ Quinn started to straighten up again, blowing her cover until out of nowhere a hand covered her mouth and pulled her away before anyone could notice she was there.

Shepard jolted up while letting go a scream. A pain surged through her body and she slapped her hand on her wound. She felt the warmth of blood trickling through her fingers. _Great… torn stitches. Never mind. I need to get prepped for the next mission_. She stood up from her bed, moaning. She felt stiff. Trying to stretch it off wasn't a good idea. She felt another stitch pop. _Fuck it!_ When she looked around to find a towel and some fresh bandages, she saw Eve. It looked like she was in a trance or something. Shepard felt she should say something but decided against it. _Can talk to her later._ She found the fresh bandages she was looking for, changed it with the old ones and washed the blood of her hands. At the moment Shepard wanted to walk through the door, the door already opened and she bumped into Traynor. "Oh Commander, I am sorry!" Traynor squealed.

"It's fine." Shepard gritted her teeth from the pain that surged through her, covering her wound with her hand again. Traynor looked down at her hand, and up again. "You don't look that fine to me."

"I'll be fine Traynor. What are you doing here anyway?"

"I heard you got shot, and well…. erm… I wanted to check if you're okay." Traynor avoided eye contact this.

"I'm OK, have been worse. Been dead before, remember?"

"Might be, but you don't look fine, as I said before." This time she looked Shepard straight in the eye, giving her a concerned look. "Is there anything I can do for you, Shepard?"

"Not really. Popped a stitch, and for now maxed out on medigels. It's quite painful though." A smile appeared on Traynors face, which made Shepard raise her eyebrow. _Is she laughing at my pain?"_

"Just sit down for a moment. I'll be right back." Shepard did what Traynor asked. _What is that girl up to?_ A few minutes passed before Traynor got back. She laid down a few herbs on the table and walked to the kettle. "What are those?" Shepard asked.

"Are you kidding me? You don't recognize them?"

"Erm… No?" Shepard felt ashamed, even though she didn't know why.

"Those are Ginger, Turmeric and Holy Basil. These three herbs are the most important once in the Ayurvedic medicine."

"In the what?"

"Ayurvedic medicine." Traynor smiled at Shepard. "It is the oldest medicine system in the world, originating from India. It goes back 4.000 years. Even today Ayurveda is still important for the Indian community." The water started to boil and Traynor got a mug from the cabinet and put the herbs in there with the boiled water. "These three herbs have to stay in the water for about four minutes and then you may drink it. It will help you with the pain within a half an hour." She smiled at Shepard. "My mum taught me about it when I was about eleven years old. I always have these herbs with me. Just in case something happens…. Like you." She looked at the tea. "Looks about right. Do you want me to chiffon it, or are you going to drink it with the herbs."

"It's OK Traynor, I'll drink it like this."

"Hardcore Shepard, I didn't expect anything else from my girl." Shepard looked up when Traynor said that. Realizing what she said, Traynor quickly turned her back to Shepard and started to rumble through some stuff on the counter. _What did she just say? My girl?_ A warm sensation fluttered through her again. _Please don't let EDI say a thing._ The PA system stayed silent. _Thank god! Ok lets do this!_ Shepard picked up the mug and started to drink the broth. _Oh my god! That tastes hideous!_ She started to cough but finished the mug anyway. "My god Traynor. It tastes like ass!" Disgust showed allover her face. "Are you trying to kill me?!" Traynor started to chuckle.

"Well, I never mentioned it would taste lovely, did I?" She looked over her shoulder and grinned at Shepard.

"No you didn't." She grinned back. "Thank you, Traynor." Shepard walked to the observation deck to lay down for a few more minutes. Traynor followed her. "Shepard, are you OK?" Shepard looked up at her. "I mean, I uh I heard you screaming before I wanted to go in the med bay."

"Did I?" Shepard couldn't remember that part. Traynor nodded at Shepard. The Commander laid on the couch she was sitting on and sighed. Traynor sat down at her feet. "I guess I was dreaming." Shepard continued.

"You want to talk about it… Quinn." Traynor asked carefully. Shepard lifted her head and raised an eyebrow at Traynor. She dropped her head again.

"Euh well, I don't know… Sam."

"It's OK, Quinn." Traynor laid her hand on Shepard's leg. "You know where to find me if you want to talk about it." Traynor stood up and walked away but stopped at the door. "Shepard, don't forget. You have to be ready in an hour for the mission. You want me to send you a message in thirty minutes?"

"It's okay Traynor, I am going to stay here for five to ten minutes and then I'll get prepped." She replied. Traynor wanted to walk out the door. "Sam." Traynor turned around again. "Thank you… for taking care of me." She lifted her head above the edge of the couch and gave Traynor a small smile."

"It's okay, you are my commanding officer, I need you to lead us to victory, so basically I did it for my own good." Traynor winked at Shepard and left. Shepard laid her head down again sighing. _Ok…_ She felt butterflies flutter in her stomach. _But why now, why do I fall in love with someone while we are going to be extinct soon?_ Thinking of the that, the darkness swelled up again. _It doesn't matter, she probably doesn't like like me back anyways. Look me… I am a wreck. Full of scars, and don't let me get started about myself mentally... She is just friendly, like she is with the rest of the crew…. Quit sobbing Shepard... Just let's try to survive the next mission._


	12. Chapter 12 Old faces

"So EDI, are you ready for your first mission?" Shepard asked her.

"Yes, thank you for this opportunity Shepard."

"No worries, you deserved it. I looked into your data log with trial runs and it was impressive. Also, Vega is scared as hell of spiders, so he wasn't an option anyway." Shepard smiled at EDI, trying to get rid of the darkness inside her.

"EY Lola, I heard that!" Vega sounded through Shepard's headset.

"It was meant for you to hear." Shepard laughed, EDI and Liara joined with her. "So the mission is recon on Attican Traverse." Shepard sounded serious again. "The Krogan were checking out rumors about Rachni sightings, but lost contact with their team."

"Is there any backup when we arrive there?" Liara asked.

"Yes. They will be waiting for us at the drop off. Aralakh company, Krogan commando's."

"But we let the Rachni queen go, under the conditions she would disappear. Why would she come back and risk everything? It just... does not make any sense, Shepard" Liara said. "She would not risk everything to start a war."

"Just be ready for anything." Shepard replied while Cortez landed the shuttle. Shepard opened the door to step out and heard a voice. _Wait I know that voice_! "Grunt is that you?

"Shepard? SHEPARD!" Grunt ran to her and they gave each other a chest bump. Something they started doing since they met a year ago. "Shepard heh heh heh"

"Grunt."

"Shepard!"

"GRUNT!"

"Sheeeeepaaaaarrrrrdddd"

"GRRRRRRRRRRUNNNTTT!" Shepard snickered. "What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same question. Didn't those idiots locked you up?"

"Yeah they did. To keep the Batarians off my back, apparently they are not to happy that destroying the relay, also wiped out their planet." _Not that I care about those_ _filthy batarians._ "Also, to please the council. Then things changed. Inevitable doom, galaxy as we know it being destroyed bla bla bla… the usual, so they needed me, again…" Grunt laughed loudly at Shepard.

"I understand, that's why I'm out here running with Aralakh company. They're tough, they think they are invincible. Reckless, but effective. I owe you for this. I'm here because I completed my rite of passage, with you, under your command."

"Well if they are half the soldier that you are Grunt, we might make it out of here."

"Glad to hear you are here to crack some heads with me, Shepard. Hard to believe it might be Rachni. It seems crazy."

"Wouldn't want be anywhere else, Grunt." Shepard elbowed him. "The sensors didn't detect any signs of activity when we arrived though."

"I know, but this place smells wrong. "Grunt said while facing the tunnel entrance. "Like a bad wound. Our scans shows the tunnels down there lead to a large central point. With any luck it is a nest. Heh heh heh. I can't wait to fight the old enemy" The smile on his face couldn't be bigger. "Who is the tin can you have with you?" Shepard looked at EDI and smiled.

"I'm disappointed you did not recognize me Grunt. We have spent so many hours together with intellectual conversations on the Normandy." EDI said sarcastically.

"EDI?! HA! You have to be kiddin' me!" Grunt punched her shoulder a bit to hard. He looked at his hand and shook off some pain and laughed loudly. "HA you're tougher then you look EDI."

"I'll take that as a compliment, Grunt."

"It was indeed. And Liara, good to see you as well." He didn't dare to touch her. He knew all to well she was able to just throw him to wherever she wanted.

"It is good to see you to, Grunt. It looks like you have fared well in the past six months or so."

"Indeed I did, Indeed I did." Grunt looked more proud than ever before. "We should get going, Shepard. Grab what you need, and meet us at the scout camp ahead."

"Sounds good to me." Shepard and the rest started to gather their stuff and joined Grunt at the camp. Curious as Shepard was, she started to poke around in one of the bunks of the scouts. When she reached the other end of the bunk, the ground beneath her started to make a rumbling sound, and before she knew it, the whole bunk fell down the cliff. After a few feet it landed on its side and started tumbling further down. _Oh shit Shit SHITTTTT!_ After a few, what felt like neverending seconds, the bunk finally came to a stop.

"Shepard, Shepard, SHEPARD!" Liara shouted at Shepard.

"I'm ok, I AM OK!" Shepard panted, still shocked of what just happened, she didn't even noticed she popped a few more stitches. Shepard crawled out of what was left of the bunk and looked around her. An eerie feeling crept up her spine. She looked up, and only saw darkness.

"Shepard!" Grunt shouted. "We will meet up with you, just follow the tunnel that is there.

Shepard picked up her rifle and started walking. I didn't take long when she stumbled upon the first scout and she checked him, and the environment, out. _Been dead for a while now….what happened…. wait…. Is that an enormous spiderweb? Oh crap, it is…. there are indeed Rachni here._

"Grunt, Liara, EDI, can you read me? Shepard heard only static on her headphone. _Shit, too much interference from the rocks…_

She walked to the web and touched it. It felt like a combination of gooey and rock like substance. Not able to remove the web by hand she shot it a few times, with hardly any results. _Damn it_! She scanned her surroundings one more time and then saw a glint of something behind some rocks. It was a Krogan flame thrower. _Nice! Now let's torch down this web._ It only took a few seconds before the web caught fire and burned away. Shepard continued down the path that laid behind the spiderweb . After a few minutes, she noticed sounds around her. She stopped for a minute to listen. It sounded as if something trickled inside the walls. The sound prickled the hair on Shepard's neck. _Nope nope nope… not good. Not good at all!_ Shepard started walking again and even picked up her pace. After a kilometer or so, she finally heard voices again. _Thank god…_ "GRUNT, LIARA, EDI, IS THAT YOU?!" Shepard flamed down the last web that kept her away from her squad.

"Shepard?! Thank the goddesses you are okay?!" Liara repressed a hug.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Let's just finish this and get the hell out of here. This place gives me the heebie jeebies…" Everybody looked confused at her, except EDI.

"Heebie jeebies is an earth slang for feeling uncomfortable. It is not a common word anymore." EDI explained before Shepard could.

"Is Shepard scared? Grunt said in a baby like voice.

"NO!" Shepard said a bit too defensively. It's just the sounds surrounding us… I don't like stuff I can't see. Apparently these sounds were unnoticed by the rest because everybody suddenly stopped moving and listened if they could hear anything as well.

"Shepard is right." EDI stated. "Due to the nature of the sediment, my scanners didn't pick anything up. I had to re calibrated my sensors, and there is indeed movement around us." A subtle change appeared in Liara face, it was briefly, but Shepard caught it immediately. They started walking down the tunnels again, shooting all the rachni eggs they encountered.

"Grunt, where is the rest of your squad?" Shepard asked.

"I sent them down a different path to find you. Don't worry, we'll encounter them soon." Grunt knelt next to a few more bodies of the missing scouts. "It looks like we are getting closer to the center, Shepard." Grunt tossed her a new propane tank for her flame thrower that he found next to the body. Shepard eagerly switched it with the almost empty one and burnt a few more eggs that already started to move slightly. It took them a good half an hour to reach the central hall. It could have been quicker, but they stumbled on some rachni. Liara also insisted they should destroy all the eggs that they encountered as well, just in case they were ready to hatch and attack them in their backs. Grunt rejected this idea at first, but in the end he agreed, knowing it was tactically the most logic thing to do. Cautiously they walked into the enormous hall

"Si…lence..." A dead Krogan started to speak in a hollow voice. This startled everybody, even Grunt. "The… maddening sour note has ceased." They looked around and up and saw the giant rachni queen. "We listen for the children, they are silent, hollow. The machines come and take them to war. They die alone, silent, far away."

"I've let you go, back on Novaria. You promised not to interfere anymore. The rachni were supposed to disappear."

"We remember." now all the death krogans mouths were moving when the Queen spoke. "We kept our promise, retreated back through the relay. We started a new home. Beautiful children. Harmony." EDI walked up to one of the Krogans, fascinated how the Queen used them to speak with. "But the machines came, they heard our song. Their shriek of sour notes drowned us out."

"Did the Reapers do all this, too you?"

"Yes."

"Well they can't hurt you anymore." Shepard said

"Yes, we…. understand."

"Can you still feel the Reapers? Can they influence you?

"We can hear the machines, but they cannot control us. Remove this last shackle and we are free." The Queen pointed to a lock with her head. "What? The children return! They will destroy us all. Release us!" The Queen sounded nervous.

"Shepard." Grunt started. "My squad is detecting movement, a lot of movement." Shepard nodded to Grunt in understatement.

"Are you capable of fighting of the Reapers? Shepard walked up to the Queen, hoping she could see if she was lying or not.

"We hate the machines. We will fight for our unborn children. Release us." The nervousness now replaced by panic."

"She is badly wounded, Shepard. She will need too much time to escape." Liara said to Shepard.

"Shepard, we are out of time! If we stay here, Aralakh company dies. Do you understand?!" Grunt was pissed he still wasn't reunited with his company.

"They need to hold of the Rachni while the Queen escapes, we'll buy them some time"

"Damn you Shepard. Are you insane?!"

"That's an order, she is a to valuable asset to lose." Shepard walked up to the shackle and shot it with her side arm. With a jolt, the Queen was freed. "Now get us out of here!" Grunt set a charge on a wall and blew it up. They quickly ran through it, but directly ran into a horde of bugs. They started to shoot everything that moved while trying to keep moving forward. They were surrounded.

"The shuttle is down that path."Grunt pointed to the left. "I'll hold them off!" Shepard lowered her gun. "Get out of here Shepard!" Grunt shouted in her face. Not wanting her to waste any time, something they didn't have. The Rachni closed in quickly. Shepard hugged him quickly and ran away. A feeling of failure and guilt started to swallow her when she heard Grunt's battle cry and his shotgun firing. Then the sound of his shotgun stopped, the battle cry fading away. Shepard knew she had lost, yet, another friend. Her eyes pricked, but again, no tears followed.

They finally left the darkness of the tunnels, all happy to see the shuttle.

"Cortez, we're the last ones out." Shepard said while trying to keep her voice from shivering.

"Copy that, Commander. We're good to go." Shepard looked back, just one more time before she stepped in the shuttle, hating herself for letting Grunt down. But then she saw something move. Shepard grabbed her gun, just in case it would be Rachni. It couldn't be…. Could it? IT IS!

"Grunt?!" Shepard shouted whilst running to him. Grunt was completely covered in Rachni blood, stumbling while trying to walk up to her.

"Anybody got something to eat?" He fell down Shepard's arms. Edi walked up to them and helped Shepard getting Grunt into the Shuttle. The last thing that could be heard on the planet before they got in the Kodiak, was Grunt laughing; "Heh heh heh."


	13. Chapter 13: Conversations

When the Kodiak docked in the cargo bay, Dr. Chakwas and Mordin stood ready to take care of Grunt. "Mordin! The only Salarian I don't want to kill! Heh heh heh." Grunt said while still being supported by Shepard. He looked surprisingly happy, considering his injuries

"Only because I can fix you. Smeone else might do it wrong." Mordin smiled at Grunt. "No offense, of course, Dr Chakwas.

"None taken. My knowledge about krogan physiology is limited."

"Chakwas! I liked your Ice Brandy treatments heh heh heh"

"Grunt, can you stop jiggling?" Shepard asked. "It's not like you're as light as a baby! Vega, EDI, can you help him to the med bay?"

"Sure Lola, no problem!" Vega took him over from Shepard and EDI took his other arm and they disappeared with Mordin and Chakwas in the elevator. Shepard looked around the cargo bay, noticing that Liara had already left. _Where did she disappear to so quickly? I've hardly seen her since… that lunch? No time for that now Quinn… Need to hurry to Grissom academy! "_ EDI, will we still be in time for the academy?"

"We lost a significant amount time on Tuchanka, Shepard. The probability that we will be there on time has dropped dramatically to 12.13 percent." _Fuck fuck fuck._ Shepard felt frustrated again. Before striking her fists on something again, she saw Vega's boxing gloves. She decided it would be better to punch his boxing bag then wrecking her knuckles for the millionth time. The gloves were way too big for her feminine hands, but that didn't stop her. _God, that man is a beast!_ She started hitting the bag. At first she punched it lightly, trying to get the feeling for how the bag would swing, but within no time she started pounding it like a maniac, letting go of all her bottled up frustrations. The politics, the wars, her past…. And Traynor. The woman who made her feel insecure, who she couldn't stop thinking of, who made her stomach flutter every time she spoke and made her feel like she was 13 again and had her first crush. After 20 minutes of punching the bag at full force she sat down on one of the crates in the cargo bay, tossing the gloves back to Vega's bunk.

"Ma'am? Are you OK?" Cortez asked, startling Shepard who forgot that he was still there.

"Yeah, I guess so." She answered without looking up at him. "How about you?"

"Same as you. Pretending I am OK." Shepard looked up at him wondering what he meant.

"What are you implying, Cortez?" She said, still looking at him.

"I pretend I am OK, even after everything happened. Just like you." Shepard remembered reading something in his dossier about his husband.

"Oh yeah, sorry about that." She said nervously, not knowing how to act.

"It is not your fault, Commander. It is those damn Collectors." There was fury in his eyes, yet his voice remained calm as ever. "I know you tried to warn everybody and that nobody believed you. I know you destroyed one of their ships. You were the only one ever who ever did something about it, and I am grateful for that because without you, I would not have a chance to avenge Robert" Cortez hugged Shepard and that surprised her. It took a few seconds before she hugged him back. Cortez let go after a few moments and walked to his shuttle, not saying a thing. Shepard suspected that he was crying, so she decided to let him be and walked to the elevator.

After a quick shower Shepard went to CIC to see Traynor, though she kept telling herself that she had work to do in the CIC, which she didn't. Before she could say hi to her, Traynor already started the conversation.

"Look at that galaxy map. Do you know how many strategy games are built from that interface?"

"You play strategy games?" Shepard was surprised by that bit of information.

"A few. Most are too flashy though. I prefer chess. I have a set made of rose quartz and hematite back home. I like the feel of something solid in my hands."

"Well now that I know your weakness, we may have to try a game." Shepard did her best to sound serious instead of flirty.

"It'd be more fun than playing EDI. EDI doesn't sweat."

"You sweat playing chess?" _The hell? She sweats playing chess?_ Echoed through Shepard's head.

"Depends on how much fun we're having." Traynor said stoically. _Wait what? Sweating? Fun? That sounds a lot different from the chess that I know!"_ Shepard did her best to suppress the fact that she was surprised by her statement.

"Erm OK. If you say so. Well erm… I should get ready for Grissom. Wouldn't want to mess up your mission."

"My mission?" It was Traynor's turn to sound surprised.

"Yes, you discovered it, so it is your mission. Would you like to keep me posted on what is going on during the mission? I know it is not your duty, and EDI is capable of it, but well, maybe you would like some extra responsibility?"

"Oh, thank you Shepard, but I don't know if I am capable to do something like that." It has been a while since Shepard heard her being so insecure. _Really? Still this insecure about her abilities? She has been on this ship for … wait has it only been three weeks? It feels like a lifetime already._

"I know you are still new, even though it feels like you've always been here, but you have proven yourself more than enough. I know talent when I see it, and you are the most talented comm specialist there is. I know you can do much more. If you want, EDI could assist you. A back up would be nice, in case she goes offline, again."

"I would be glad to guide comm specialist Traynor as a sitrep data analyst, although I'm not planning to go offline again soon, Commander Shepard. Unless Joker fries my circuits with his oh so charming moves." Shepard stood there for a minute, looking up at the ceiling.

"Did you just make a joke, EDI?"

"Your observation is correct, as always Shepard. Joker suggested I would try to use humor with the crew."

"Apparently sarcasm was also suggested."

"That is correct."

"Well it looks like you are adapting well, EDI" Shepard snickered "So Traynor, what do you think?"

"It never hurts to try something new I guess. I'll do it. EDI could you meet me in the mess hall and walk me through some details before we arrive at the academy?"

"Of course, Traynor. I will be there in five minutes."

"Well, if you would excuse me then, I have a date with EDI now." Though Shepard knew that Traynor was joking, a part of her felt jealous.

"As long you don't sweat too much." She winked at Traynor. A blush appeared on Traynor's face and she quickly walked away. _Oh god she is soooo cute when she blushes._ She couldn't help but smiling. Shepard looked at her galaxy map and realized they were nearing Grissom. _Time to get ready again._ On her way to her locker with her gear, she walked into Diana.

"Miss Allers, how are you doing?"

"Great, thank you again for letting me on your ship, and getting me my own cabin. This way I can work in peace." Shepard couldn't help but notice that Allers was checking her out.

"I am glad you're happy, miss Allers. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Actually, yes. I would love to have a private interview with you, if it is not too much to ask. You've done so much for me already, my ratings are through the roof!" She sounded extremely excited.

"I'm happy you're making money out of this war, miss Allers." Shepard said sarcastically but Allers didn't pick it up. "At the moment I don't have time for an interview. I have to get ready for my next mission."

"I understand Commander. Let me know when you have time. Thank you again." Said Allers and returned to her own business. _Ugh reporters… Gotta hate them!_ Shepard reached her locker and started getting prepped for the mission.


	14. Chapter 14: Jack in the box

Completely prepped for the next mission, Shepard walked up to the cockpit to see if they arrived first or not. She got her answer without asking the question.

"And there are the folks who answered the distress call." Joker mumbled before he noticed Shepard standing behind him. "Cerberus cruiser. At least a dozen fighters on blockade duty." He said to her. "Too many for us in a straight-up fight. They must want this place bad."

"Incoming transmission." EDI stated. Her mechanical body was sitting next to Joker.

"Let's hear it, EDI."

"SVV Normandy, this is Kahlee Sanders, Director of Grissom Academy. We need immediate assistance." She sounded panicked "Cerberus is attacking the facility. They're after my students." Sanders continued.

"This is Commander Shepard. We're blocked on a direct approach."

"I know. They've taken control of our docking bays."

"Any alternatives?"

"There is an auxiliary cargo port I could probably open." Shepard looked at Joker and he nodded.

"All right. We'll come by in a shuttle and get your students out of there. Joker, can you give me a diversion?"

"Boy, can I!" A huge grin appeared on his face.

Shepard quickly went to the shuttle where Vega, Garrus and Cortez waited for her.

"We have a go guys, let's move on!" The four of them boarded the Kodiak and left the Normandy. With their stealth system on, they hovered in space while waiting for Joker to create a diversion.

"Everybody hold on!" Joker said through their headsets. Shepard stood next to Cortez in the cockpit and watched how Joker made a 180 degrees roll with the Normandy and let 'his girl' make a nose dive towards the Academy. It didn't take long for Cerberus fighters to see the Normandy coming at them like a maniac. Joker plumbed the Normandy through one of the gaps in the design of the space station, Cerberus fighters were not far behind and a cruiser joined them.

"WWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYY! Come and get me baby!" Joker sounded like a kid. Shepard rolled her eyes, but couldn't suppress a grin. _God he is such a boy! A boy with his toy._ _How will Traynor hold on?_ Shepard wondered. _Despite the artificial gravity, there is no way she won't feel it._ She noticed she actually felt concerned for her, even though she wasn't in real danger.

After the Normandy went into FTL, Shepard ordered Cortez to dock the shuttle.

"Stay in position, we'll be back soon." They left the Kodiak and walked through the airlock.

"Commander Shepard, I'm locked in a server room around the corner." Sanders informed her. "Cerberus troops are trying to get in." She continued while the squad passed the next door, nearing Sanders's room. A few Cerberus soldiers were busy trying to bust through the locked door Sanders was hiding behind. They didn't notice that Shepard, Garrus and Vega were standing behind them. Instead of firing her gun, she decided to toss them around with her biotics before slitting their throats.

"Sanders, we're clear. It's me." Shepard told Sanders. The director of the Academy opened the door while aiming her gun at them, just in case.

"Wow… easy, easy… It is us, it's all good."

"Commander, thank you. Admiral Anderson always said you were the best. And with Cerberus coming for my students, I need the best."

"Euh… Thanks. I guess?" Shepard said awkwardly. "How many of you are there?"

"Fewer than 20. Most of them were sent home when word of the Reaper invasion spread." She walked to a console while talking. "But a few volunteered to stay, some are prototyping tech for the Alliance. Others are biotics. They've been training for military operations, working together as a biotic artillery."

"Is that really a good idea?" Shepard asked skeptically "Knocking over a few dummies doesn't prep them for a war."

"I agree, but the Alliance need every resource they can get, and our students are unique… resources." She looked away when she said that. "Those kids, they wanted to help. How could we say no with the whole galaxy falling apart?" She walked to a console. "Hang on Shepard, I've been trying to get communications working."

"Traynor, could you help with the comms here?"

"Already in the system Commander."

"This is Froeberg! There're students trapped in Orion Hall! Cerberus has us boxed in. They are closing in fast!" He sounded terrified.

"Damn it!" Sanders hit the console out of frustration.

"Orion Hall?" Shepard asked.

"Down the hallway, I can open the door for you."

"I'll bring them back here, and we'll make a run for the shuttle."

"Thank you, Commander. I'll stay put. With andy luck I can regain control of some of our system."

"Contact Specialist Traynor, she may be able to help you from the Normandy." Shepard, Garrus and Vega walked out of Sanders office and down the hallway. As she had said, Sanders opened the door leading to Orion Hall. When they entered the hall, they saw three Cerberus soldiers dragging a student.

"Really? Kids? Don't they have a soul or something?!" Vega sounded pissed off.

"They never played by any moral code." Garrus answered while shooking his head.

They moved on to the next door. When it opened, they heard a soldier yelling to a student.

"Reiley Bellarmine, drop the barrier now!"

 _How the hell do they know that student's name?_ Vega and Garrus simultaneously shot both solders down. Shepard walked up to the boy and asked him to let his barrier down. After a few moments of hesitation, he finally complied.

"There might be more soldiers nearby. Play dead until it's safe, then go to Sanders at security."

"Yes ma'am, but my sister Seanne is out here somewhere, too." He replied while he laid down.

"I'll keep an eye out for her." Garrus replied.

"I just got an emergency message from the students in Orion Hall." Sanders said. "One of our instructors is with them, but she can't hold out much longer."

They picked up their pace, hoping that this instructor and the students could hold on a little longer. The last door opened, and a few Cerberus soldiers flew through the room they entered.

"Eat this!" Someone said. _Hmm that voice sounds familiar…_ Shepard continued down the hall.

"Jack?"

"Shepard?" Jack sounded surprised.

"Commander, I picked up some comm chatter. They are sending in an Atlas." Traynor's warning was almost too late. A door already opened.

"Everyone get down!" Jack shouted to the students. "This thing's outta your league! Shepard, keep it off us!" This time her shouting was directed at Shepard. She nodded at her and send Garrus and Vega to tactical points in the hall so they could surround the Atlas, just like like they did on Tuchanka. Jack and the students ran out of their way, putting up a barrier to protect them.

Being in such a confined place, it was hard for them to keep circling the Atlas. After a while Shepard, Garrus and Vega were pinned down between the wall and a few chairs. _Fuck my life!_ She used her biotic powers more than ever. She didn't like to use them, they took so much energy from her. She basically only used them for stealth advantages or in a situation like this. After fighting the Atlas for a while, pushing it back with biotics and shooting it, they finally took it down." Shepard exhailled happily and she hoped to have some time to regain energy.

"GET READY! MORE INCOMING." Jack shouted from the balcony. The students were still holding up the barrier, which impressed Shepard. _Wow still got it up eh? These are some talented kids, indeed valuable… resources._ Shepard took a deep breath, readying herself for the next wave. It was just a handful of soldiers and Garrus and Vega did the most part, as they knew Shepard's energy level was running low.

"Well well well, I knew Kahlee said she was putting out an SOS. No idea that the queen of the girl scouts would show up." Jack said mockingly, while she jumped down the balcony and walked up to Shepard. Out of nowhere she punched Shepard in the face.

"Damn it! How many times did I tell you not to trust Cerberus?" Jack said furiously.

"Hi Jack, good to see you too." Shepard snarled at her. "Still punch like a girl eh." Shepard curled up her fist, ready to launch, but Garrus interrupted.

"Ahhhh Jack, still as charming as ever I see."

"Good to see you again, Garrus. Face still looks like shit." She grinned. "Okay, right now all I care about is getting my guys out of here."

"Your guys?"

"Yeah. I guess so." Jack sighed, hating herself for caring more for them than she ever planned to.

How the hell did you end up teaching a bunch of kids?"

"You say it like you think I'm gonna make them explode or something. The Alliance brass knew I helped you. They offered me this and apparently the students respond well to my teaching style." She said arrogantly

"The psychotic biotic." Ensign Prangley mocked.

"I will destroy you!" Ensign Rodriguez continued

"Go drink your juice, Rodriguez. You couldn't destroy wet tissue paper!" Jack replied angrily

"Cortez to extraction team. The Cerberus cruiser is coming back."

"How long have we got?"

"Two minutes tops, Commander. After that, there's no way we'll get past them." Cortez replied. Shepard looked up at the students, still trying to refill their energy with high carbs drink and food.

"Get out of here and go back to the Normandy. We'll find another way off the station."

"Roger that. Good luck, ma'am."

"Shepard to Sanders. The kids are safe, but the shuttle's a no-go."

"Understood, I might know another way off the station." She replied. "But I need station-wide camera access. Can you disable the Cerberus station override? It's routed through Orion hall, so you should be nearby."

"How does camera access get us off this station?" Shepard wondered out loud.

"We need to get our hands on a Cerberus shuttle. The cruiser won't fire at a friendly one. Give me camera access and I'll find you a path to the shuttle bay without Cerberus boxing you in."

"LOLA!" Vega shouted. "I found a laptop here… Looks like it controls the video feed."

"Can you disable it?" Shepard asked. Vega dropped it on the floor and stomped on it.

"Done." He grinned. _Sigh… Men…_ Shepard rolled her eyes. She walked to the door leading to the Atrium, but the door jammed. Garrus took the liberty to pull it open.

"Ladies first." Garrus said to Shepard while snickering.

"Ok everybody, be ready. We'll go in first and draw their fire." Shepard told the students.

"We'll shadow you from the second floor and hit those fu…. guys from above." Jack replied to Shepard, who tried not to laugh at her. _Aaahh how cute… Jack trying to be civil._ She tried to resist, but in the end a grin did escape her lips. Jack shot her a murderous glance. Shepard quickly looked away.

"It gives them some cover too, Shepard." Garrus said. Shepard agreed.

"Just time your shots and stay safe!" Shepard told the stundents before taking off with Garrus and Vega towards the atrium. When they arrived there, they were overwhelmed by the amount of Cerberus soldiers.

"They really really really want those kids badly." Vega whispered.

"Shepard, we need to watch our right flank." Garrus adviced.

"Can you lay cover fire on the right Vega?" Shepard asked.

"Sure Lola."

"Garrus, stay at the back, and shoot their heads off. I'll take cover in the front, next the stairs."

"Commander." Traynor said. "I'm picking up some of their communications. They are placing turrets around you. please, look out… Quinn." Shepard stopped breathing for a second when Traynor said that.

"I will Sam. Don't worry." Shepard was pulled back in the fight after a missile from an Atlas flew past her head.

"FUCK YOU!" Shepard yelled at the Atlas. She threw all the grenades she found on her way to the atrium at it. "JUST DIE MOTHERFUCKER!"

The last grenade shattered the glass shield around the soldier. Shepard grabbed her assault rifle again and shot him to pieces before running towards it. She threw out the bloody body and placed herself in the seat and took the controls. She first aimed at a group who were closing in on Vega. Short burst of five shots at a time, that decimated them quickly. Now she focused on the Centurions, who were equipped with heavy armor. She fired one missile per person. Garrus and Vega distracted the turrets so Shepard had time to sweep the rest of the atrium clean.

"Jack, how are you holding up, up there?"

"Rodriguez took one in her arm, cause she didn't watch her barrier." Shepard could only imagine the face she was giving the poor girl right now.

"Commander, I reached the Cerberus shuttles without being detected. They know what we are doing though, you need to hurry."

"Commander, Sanders is right. They just gave issued an order to pull back to the shuttle bay." Traynor said.

"Thank you, Specialist."

On their way to the shuttle bay they found a few more scared students and sent them up to join the rest. They passed a few more doors. Behind one of the last doors there was an empty Atlas. _Another Atlas? How many did they bring?_ Shepard gave the order to Vega and Garrus to take out the two guards standing next to it while she ran to take it. She took it to the last room before the shuttle bay. Shepard saw Jack on the second floor with the students, who were running two by two to the shuttle bay.

"Shepard! Watch your ass!" Jack shouted. Shepard turned around and saw Cerberus running in the room. She fired her gun in burst mode again and after each reload she punched the missile button. Bang bang boom, bang bang boom sounded through the room. One by one the Centurions and soldiers dropped on the floor.

"Okay, we're clear! Move your ass before backup arrives!" Jack shouted. Shepard made sure Vega and Garrus had a clear path to the door to the shuttle bay. After they reached the door they laid cover fire from behind it, so Shepard could exit the Atlas safely and make a run for it to join all of them.

"Hurry Commander! The Normandy has pulled the cruiser out of position. We need to leave now!" Sanders shouted to them.

"Sanders, how's it coming?"

"Shuttles are unlocked." At that moment one of the shuttles' door opened, and some students ran straight into it.

"Take the controls, and get the students aboard!" Shepard ordered Sanders.

"WAIT!" Jack shouted. "Where the hell is Rodriguez?" At that same moment shots were fired on the other side of the shuttle bay. Through the window they saw Rodriguez running from some Cerberus soldiers. She dove into the first cover she could see, but the soldiers closed in quickly.

"She needs covering fire now!" Shepard yelled, while smashing the window that separated Rodriguez and her.

"She needs more than that!" Jack ran up the window and blasted it to pieces with her biotics. The blast was so strong that the soldiers were blown away. Shepard ran to Rodriguez, picked her up and ran back with her. Jack helped them when they passed the wall that used to hold a window once. The shuttle's door closed just in time before the soldiers could get a hold of it.

"Joker, we flew out on a Cerberus fighter. Watch your fire."

"Right, got you on our sensors. Should just be a minute." Joker replied.

"Thank you Commander. We'd have never gotten of that station if you hadn't come." Sanders told Shepard.

"Fu… Forget that. We kicked some ass! Next place we dock, you're all getting inked! My treat." Jack said proudly. Shepard looked at her. She had never thought that she would see her care for anyone, let alone a group of kids.

"What do you guys want?" Jack continued. "Ascension Project logo? Glowing fist? Maybe a unicorn for Rodriguez?" She snickered.

"SCREW YOU, ma'am!" Rodriguez replied. Everybody, including Jack laughed.

Sanders started talking to Shepard. "I can't believe we got them out alive. I was going to suggest that they stick to support roles, but perhaps they are ready, after all…" Shepard looked at Jack before replying. Jack's expression was clear to her.

"They are definitely ready… but the Alliance needs them in a support role." Shepard was sure she heard Jack sigh in relief.

"Commander, we've got a visual on you now. Preparing to dock." Joker's voice echoed through the PA system. "Hey Jack, now you're in the military, you gonna wear a uniform? Or are you just getting the officer's bars tattooed on?" Joker laughed.

"Screw you! F… flight lieutenant." Jack held back.

"Uuuhhh what the hell was that?!" Joker asked surprised.

"Jack promised to watch her language in order to maintain the necessary professionalism we need from our teachers."

"What, does she have a swearing jar or something? Cause I bet if we emptied that thing, we could afford another cruiser." Joker mocked.

"Cover your ears kids!" Jack started a swearing serenade that lasted as long as the docking procedure took. The only thing Shepard could do, was looking at her in awe.


	15. Chapter 15: Dilemma's

Shepard walked into the vid room, surprised to see Anderson.

"Shepard. Damned if you aren't a sight for sore eyes." Anderson said. Shepard was relieved to see him still alive and kicking.

"Good to see you too, Sir."

"Sir? I may have reinstated you, but that doesn't give you permission to go all formal on me." Anderson chuckled.

"Then I'm glad you managed to keep your ass alive, Anderson." She smiled at him.

"That's more like it. Looks like you didn't waste any time getting to work. I can only imagine what would've happened to those kids if they had fallen into Cerberus hands. Hackett has the technically minded students looking at the Crucible. Maybe they'll find something we missed."

"They are definitely eager to help."

"These students are the best humanity has to offer... and we're throwing them into battle. GODDAMN IT! I hate this war!" Shepard had rarely ever seen Anderson losing his temper like this.

"Take care of yourself, Admiral." She couldn't face him any longer without giving away what he meant to her. Nobody, even Anderson himself, knew how much he had done for her.

"Same to you. Anderson out."

Shepard walked out of the vid room into the war room, and almost bumped into Mordin.

"Ah Shepard. Good to see you. Test verified. Results promising. Can synthesize for universal krogan immunity."

"Good." Wrex replied. "Then you can put your knife away." He caressed his butt that still hurt from the taking samples. Shepard couldn't help but chuckle."

"So the cure is ready?" Shepard asked, trying to look serious again.

"No. Still need transmission vector. Cure useless unless it is given to entire species."

"Any ideas? You're usually full of them. You've altered the genophage before… there must be a way."

"Of course. Always possibilities. But time limited. Can't create new infection strain from scratch." He started to forget he wasn't alone and mumbled out loud. "Groundwater? No, too slow. Voluntary inoculation risky, population too scattered for airborne, unless, wait, YES!" His eyes opened again, they shouted eureka. "The Shroud. Constant global dispersion of air particles. Built by salarians to repair the atmosphere of Tuchanka." He continued. "Also used by turians."

"We used it to secretly spread the genophage virus. It ended the Krogan Rebellions." Victus joined the conversation.

"I would be careful who you tell that too." Wrex warned him, instead of threatening him.

"No wonder the krogan want to shoot everyone in sight." Shepard scoffed at Victus.

"Those were desperate times." Victus looked away, as if he felt ashamed.

"Yes, yes." Mordin sounded impatient. "But useful now. Original strain still in storage in Shroud facility. Can use it as transmission vector, then use Shroud to blanket Tuchanka with cure!"

"You clever little pyjak! That's our best shot, right there." Wrex looked at hologram displaying the map with the Shroud.

"Then finish your preparations and be ready to go, Mordin."

"Of course. Ready when you need me. Will be in med bay with Eve until then."

"Joker." Shepard hailed him on the omni-tool. "We've got a cure, set course to Tuchanka."

Before Shepard could leave the war room, she received a message from Traynor, informing her that someone wished to speak with her in the vid room". _Now what? Can't there be a moment without any emergencies?_ Shepard sighed before she went to see what was going on.

"Dalatrass?" Shepard said surprised. She was the last person she expected to talk to at this time.

"Commander Shepard, we know you are preparing to leave for Tuchanka. And, by now, I imagine, Mordin Solus has proposed to use the Shroud."

 _What the hell? How does she know? Victus?_

"Are you spying on us?" Shepard asked skeptically.

"Hardly. The Shroud is the only viable course of action open to you. Commander, you can't allow your misguided sympathy for the krogan to cloud your judgment. Do you honestly believe that curing the genophage will end in lasting peace?"

"Does it matter? I'd rather fight a future war that might, or might not, happen, than dying now because I wanted to play it safe in a war we technically can't win without every resource this galaxy has to offer. Those resources include the krogan."

"What will happen, is that the krogan will reproduce out of control. We uplifted them specifically for their violent nature, not their diplomatic skills. Another war is inevitable."

"A risk I'm happy to take. What do you want, Dalatrass?" Shepard started to get annoyed with her. She paced up and down the room.

"Years ago, our operatives sabotaged the Shroud to ensure what you're planning couldn't be done. Mordin will most likely detect this malfunction and repair it. But if you ensure that he doesn't, then the cure's viability will be altered just enough so that it fails. No one will notice the change." The Dalatrass sounded almost diabolical.

"You mean trick the krogan."

"They need not to be wiser. Let Urdnot Wrex believe you fulfilled your promise."

"Mordin would never stand for that."

"How you deal with him is up to you, Commander. We can provide you our best scientists to build the Crucible… and the full support of our fleet."

"If I sabotage the cure."

"Think about it, Commander. The choice is yours." With that said, the Dalatrass disappeared.

 _Goddamnit...who the hell does she think she is?!_ Feeling the need to punch something, she decided to find relief somewhere else. Shepard walked directly to observation deck A, hoping she would be there alone. She looked around and sighed, relieved that she was, indeed, was alone. _Good. No one to tell me it isn't smart to drink so much right before an upcoming mission._ She looked at the shelves behind the bar. _Aaahh nice.. Old skool tequila. Haven't had that in ages!_ She leaned in to grab the bottle and a shot glass. Before she got the chance to pour a glass, the door opened. _Just my luck…_ Shepard sighed and let her head fall down.

"What do you want?" Shepard said irritated.

"Wow Shepard. Drop your guns. I'm just here because EDI took over the controls and I wanted a drink before hitting the sack." Joker said, raising his hands.

"You drink tequila, Joker?" Shepard lifted her head again, relieved this time no one wanted something from her.

"Euh, sure, why not? I'm more a whiskey man, but hey, I'll join you."

"Too bad we don't have lemons." Shepard leaned over the bar again to grab a second glass.

"Lemons? Why?" Joker said confused. Shepard looked up at Joker, realising that he never drank tequila slammers before, and smiled.

"Ohh man you never drank this stuff before? Well, if you want to drink this right, you pour salt on you hand, lick it, drink the shot and then suck the lemon." Shepard smiled at him.

"Ugh that sounds horrible!" He said whilst making a disgusted face.

"You get used to it." She winked at him.

Both of them sat down, looking at the never ending space. They kept silent for several drinks, just enjoying each other's company in silence. Shepard was rethinking what the Dalatrass offered. _I know I should cure the genophage, but their scientists, and fleet… Noooo I can't break my promise to Wrex… and Grunt... or can I? Nooo they deserve a future… if there still is one… Oh shut up Quinn!_ Shepard decided to break the silence.

"Joker, have you ever played chess?" She asked curiously.

"Chess? Why do you as… Wait… Did Traynor asked you to play against her?" Shepard tried to look away tactically, but failed. "AAAHHHH she did!"

"The hell?! How did you guess that?!"

"Shepard, I've been on the ship a bit longer than you've been, and the only crew members here that plays chess are Traynor and EDI… If you count her as a crew member."

 _That's right… He's known Traynor longer than I have._

"What do you know about her, Joker?" Shepard tried her best to sound casual, intrigued by what he might know about Traynor that could be 'useful' to her.

"Not much actually, she hardly speaks about her past, while always talking with others about their lives. She's really nice and will take care of you, or help you if necessary… wait… You like her don't you!?" He almost sounded hysterical.

"Euhhhh…"

"That's why your mood has been bearable lately. I've been missing the swearing and punching sounds." He chuckled.

"NOOO! Well maybe… I don't know." Butterflies started to move in her stomach again. _Hush, go down… Stupid feelings._

"Shepard and Traynor, sitting in a tree. G." Joker sang. Shepard punched him in the shoulder.

"EY! Careful… Brittle bones remember!" He rubbed his arm, visibly in pain.

"JOKER! I'm so sorry" Shepard felt ashamed.

"It's fine. It's not like you punch that hard." Both of them laughed. "But yeah I know a thing or two about chess."

Joker and Shepard talked about chess and Traynor for a few hours. He told her about the first time they met and how much he, and the rest of the crew, liked her.

"Ohhhh men… It'sisis stime toooooo shit sthe sjack." He mumbled to Shepard. The last hour or so he was hardly able to speak properly from intoxication. Shepard grabbed Joker by the collar.

"Joker, if you talk about this with anyone, and I mean anyone." Hinting to EDI. "I will break every bone in your bristly body. I won't do it fast… No I'll do it slowly, enjoying every minute of it."

"Messagessesss received, Commannndderrr. *BURRRPP*"

"Oh gross…. just go… That's an order!"

"Yesss mamama'm." He stood up and walked away.

"EDI." Shepard continued. That includes you, too!"

"I already deleted the last hours from my records, Shepard. I like my new body too much."

"Good." Shepard took another drink, and stared out the bay window and drowned in the vastness of space..


	16. Chapter 16: Goodby, my friend

Still intoxicated from the too many shots of tequila, Shepard waited for Chakwas on a bed. Eve was sitting on the other side of the med bay.

"Commander, you seem troubled."

Shepard looked up at Eve in silence. She thought back to the Dalatrass' offer". Even though she knew what she had to do, the alternative she was offered kept creeping back in her head. _Full access to their best scientist… That would help with building the Crucible… and they have one of the most advanced fleets… But krogan… they are our best option when it comes to a ground war…_ The moment she wanted to tell Eve what bothered her, the door swooshed open.

"Ah Quinn, what did you do now? Broke something again?"

"Noooo." She answered in a childlike manner. "I just had a little bit too much to drink…" Shepard hated confessing things like this to Chakwas. "I have to go on a mission soon, and I'm still a bit drunk." Chakwas checked her blood alcohol content in her blood.

"A bit drunk? According to your blood screening you should've passed out!" She sounded mad. "Are you insane? Never mind, don't answer." Chakwas reluctantly gave her a stim shot and walked away without saying a thing.

Shepard looked up at Eve again and decided not to tell her about her chat with the Dalatrass. She smiled at her and left the med bay to prepare for the mission.

The shuttle left the Normandy more crowded than it usually was. Eve, Wrex and Mordin sat on the Kodiak as additional passengers. Shepard had asked Liara whether she wanted to come along, but the asari declined. Liara was 'busy', so Shepard took Jack instead together with EDI. It was not like her to decline missions. Shepard started to panic about why she was acting like this. _Am I really losing my best friend, again?_

Eve had been staring at Shepard from the moment she boarded the Kodiak, as if she knew something was wrong. Shepard did her best to avoid her gaze.

"So Jack, how does it feel to be back on the Normandy?" She tried some small talk, still feeling uncomfortable because of Eve.

"Absofuckinglutly fantastic." Jack answered. "No fucking language restrictions I have to fucking mind… Fucking beautiful!" She looked at Shepard and gave her a wink. "Seriously, there's no place where I would rather be. I love that bunch of kids, but fighting is what I do best. Especially when it comes to Reapers or Cerberus." A cold gloom appeared in her eyes when she mentioned Cerberus.  
Jack hated their guts for what they've put her through in the past.

An incoming message from Wreave informed them that the Reapers had already reached the Hollows, their sacred meeting ground. Instead of guiding Eve directly into a Tomkah for safety, the mission started with clearing a path so they could join the other krogan. Once there, they met with Wreave and the other Clan leaders, discussing the plan of action. The timing would be crucial to defeat the Reaper destroyer that hovered atop the Shroud. After pleading their case to the turians, they pledged to help them with an air strike, while the krogan would engage in a ground attack. By hitting it from both air and ground, they hoped they would be able to destroy it.

They all went into the Tomkah, resuming their way to the Shroud.

"Commander, you look more troubled now than the last time I mentioned it." Eve said.

Shepard took a deep breath and decided to come clean with her, and everyone else. She told them everything the Dalatrass told her and promised her. No one looked surprised. They all knew how much most salarians despised the krogan, and that the Dalatrass didn't mind dirty politics.

"Familiar with STG work. Can adjust. Did not come this far for nothing." Mordin said to reassure Shepard.

"You just spared our race another genocide, Commander." Even though you could hardly see Eve's face, Shepard saw a twinkle in her eyes.

I didn't take long for something else to throw a spanner in the works. The only bridge leading to the Shroud was so damaged, that even the Tomkahs couldn't cross it. Shepard could see the Shroud clearly. _So close, yet so far away._ She sighed, frustration building up again. _It's like the whole universe is against us…_ She called in the turians, hoping they could hold off the air assault. Again, no luck, as they had already locked on the destroyer. _FUCK!_

A few seconds later the fighters soared over their heads. The Reaper started to move, and immediately took out one of the fighters.

"WATCH OUT!" Shepard yelled. The fighter the Reaper took out was spinning out of control and was headed their way.

"GET THE FEMALE TO SAFETY!" Wrex added. Two Tomkahs immediately moved away, just before the fighter crashed. Shepard, Jack and EDI narrowly escaped the crash, but the blast blew them against the mountain wall. Shepard moaned. The blast and impact of the mountainside bruised every muscle in her body. Jack suffered a head injury, blood dripping down for her left eye socket.

"Oh man… Fun is never far away with you, is it, Shepard?" Jack chuckled.

"Don't get me started…" Shepard replied while rubbing her neck. The spasm in her muscles made it hard to move her head to the left.

"We need to abort!" A voice echoed through her headset. "They are tearing us apart."

"Copy that. We'll find another way." Shepard answered, hoping that she could indeed find another way.

After checking that Wrex and Eve were ok, they took the only way that was made possible by the explosion of the fighter. The blast created a hole in the mountain leading to an ancient catacomb. Eve told them that it used to be from the old civilization, thousands of years ago. Shepard, Jack and EDI followed the road further down. EDI was especially fascinated by the fact that it appeared to have been a civil society. She looked at the statues and drawings on the wall, trying to analyse them. As they went deeper in the catacomb, they felt a tremor.

"What was that?" Jack asked rhetorically.

"Wrex, are you feeling tremors as well?" Shepard asked.

"Uuuh no. Nothing up here."

"It could be something else, Commander." Eve interrupted Wrex. "It is said that Kalros, the mother of the thresher maws, lives in this region."

"Oh joy! More fun." Jack mocked.

The three of them picked up the pace. A thresher maw was not something they wanted to fight at this, or any, point. The kept moving as quickly as possible to find an exit.

When they finally saw the Tomkahs, they also saw Kalros chasing one of them. This thresher maw was enormous; Shepard had seen a few already, but they looked like worms compared to Kalros.

"Shepard, get your ass down here now!" Wrex ordered, standing still next to the dune they were on. They jumped down, sliding towards Wrex. He quickly opened the door of the Tomkah so the three of them could jump in directly. Before Shepard entered, as last, she saw the second Tomkah disappear in Kalros' mouth while diving back in the sand. She quickly closed the door and the Tomkah sprinted away.

After a five minute drive they neared the Shroud, which was still guarded by the Reaper.

"So, how are we going to defeat a giant Reaper with no firepower?" Jack asked sarcastically, unaware that Eve already had a plan.

"Kalros. We summon her to the Reaper." Eve suggested.

"Would that even work?" Shepard asked.

"Already discussed strategy." Mordin started. "Just need to distract the Reaper, draw it from tower while cure synthesized, released."

Shepard frowned. _I already did some crazy things in my life, but summoning Kalros would be a new high, or low, depending on how you look at it._ Wrex saw the doubt in Shepard eyes.

"We are doing this, Shepard."

"But how?"

"The tower was built in an arena devoted to Kalros's glory. The salarians thought it would scare away intruders. There are two maw hammers there. The largest in existence. If you can activate them, Kalros will come and distract the Reaper." Eve explained.

Before Shepard could agree to the plan, rachni emerged from the only other way out. Wrex yelled at them to go, that he would take care of it. Eve and Mordin ran to the laboratory nearby.

"Well, ladies, shall we then?" Jack said.

Shepard, Jack and EDI cleared the wall they had to climb, and immediately were taken under fire. The destroyer wasn't the only Reaper guarding the Shroud. After they killed a dozen Cannibals the destroyer shot the balustrade that they were standing on. They had to rush to cover, which was also quickly blown away by the Reaper. They had to keep moving and make sure they weren't too close to each other, to make it harder for the destroyer to lock on them. They quickly advanced forward. Shepard spotted the hammers and ran directly towards the one on the left, but the destroyer shot down a nearby pillar, blocking her way. They were forced to advance even further, using the pillar as a bridge.

After they cleared the bridge they were pinned down. _Really? Brutes? They really don't want us at the Shroud. Why are they so afraid of the krogan?!_ An intense battle began. They had to make sure the destroyer didn't shoot them with his laser, and avoid the Brutes that ran at them like maniacs. Jack's powerful biotics ensured that the Brutes couldn't come near, while EDI confused them with her ability duplicate herself with a hologram. Shepard got as close as she could get and shot them quickly with her powerful shotgun. It took them about ten minutes to kill the three brutes.

Shepard went for the left hammer again and Jack took the right. They simultaneously pushed down the bar and the ground started to vibrate. Within seconds Kalros jumped up from the sand, landing her giant jaws on the top of the Reaper who was caught off guard. Shepard ordered Jack and EDI to go back to the truck, while she stayed back to help Mordin with the cure, hoping that he was almost done. She waited for Mordin to call her, until then she watched the intense fight between Kalros and the destroyer. Shepard had to watch out for the feet and laser of the destroyer, who was blasting around without a clear view of his target. It felt to Shepard like the destroyer was panicking. When Kalros attacked the Reaper for the fourth time, it crushed the destroyer like a python does with its prey, and took it with her down in the sand.

Not long after Kalros defeated the Reaper, Mordin called Shepard.

"Shepard, synthesizing done, cure ready to go."

Shepard ran as fast as she could towards Mordin, who was in a lab underneath the Shroud. The structure had been badly damaged by the fight between the destroyer and Kalros. Fires were erupting, the concrete was falling down, yet Mordin was at the controls as if it were yet another day in his laboratory on the Normandy.

"Control room on top of Shroud. Must take elevator up." Mordin said.

"You're going up there?" Shepard pointed up where flames came out of a window.

"Yes. Manual access required. Have to counteract STG sabotage. Ensure cure dispersed properly." Mordin said casually.

"Mordin, the whole place is falling apart! There must be another way!" Shepard said desperately, already knowing that Mordin wouldn't listen to her.

"No, no other option. Not coming back. Suggest you get clear. Explosions likely to be… problematic." A smile appeared on his face, reconciled with the fact he wouldn't survive this mission. He started walking to the elevator.

"Mordin….NO!"

"Shepard, please. Need to do this. My project, my work, my cure, my responsibility. Would have liked to see how it ends. Sure you'll do fine without me."

"I… I'm sorry…" Shepard's eyes started to sting again.

"I am not. Had to be me." The elevator doors closed, but Shepard could have sworn she heard him saying "Someone else might have gotten it wrong."

Shepard stared at the elevator while it moved up to the top of the Shroud. She was abruptly woken out of her trance when part of the balcony collapsed. She ran outside, watching the Shroud from a safe distance. When the beam, that shoots out of the Shroud, changed color, they knew Mordin did it; the cure had been released in the atmosphere. Everybody celebrated, even Jack gave Wrex a hug. But not Shepard. She kept staring at the Shroud. The long awaited explosion occurred and Shepard dropped on her knees, her hands on her face. The rest stopped celebrating.

After a few minutes that felt like a lifetime, Shepard silently walked to the Kodiak. She took the seat next to Cortez, as she was not in the mood to face the rest. She stared blankly out of the window to the place where the Shroud once stood". After docking on the Normandy, everybody left except Shepard and Cortez. He looked at her and put his hand on her leg. She looked at him; he smiled and left her alone.

After sitting in silence for a few minutes Shepard went to the med bay. She was now really starting to feel the pain from the smack against the mountain wall. Chakwas was already waiting for her, as she had followed the mission and knew Shepard was in need of medical attention, and a friend.

"Here." She gave her a cold compress to reduce the swelling in her neck.

"Thanks."

"Is there anything I can do for you, Quinn?"

"Can you bring back the dead?"

"No." Chakwas sighed. She sat down next to her on the bed. "I'm going to miss him too. She looked at Shepard and gave her an apologetic smile.

After a few hours of recovering, Shepard got restless and went to the war room to check if they had made any progress on the Crucible.

"I'm sorry, Shepard. He was a good man; almost krogan worthy." Wrex surprised her with his presence. She thought he'd already left to go back to Tuchanka.

"Yeah, that he was."

"I will name one of the kids after him, if it's a girl." Wrex chuckled. "I've ordered our troops to go to Palaven, to help the turians. Now I need to go back to Tuchanka, make sure we have a future."

"Ok Wrex. Was good to see you." She gave him a weak smile. Wrex smiled back, although it looked more like a snarl when he tried to smile, and left the room, leaving Shepard on her own.

She stared at the Crucible's hologram. _I hope your death won't be in vain, Mordin._ Her mind started to race all over again, but the outcome was always the same. The darkness in her started to gain territory. _I'm sick of it! My life, the wars I fought… I just want to..._ Before she finished her thought, someone entered the room. Shepard didn't look up, hoping she would be left alone.

"Shepard…" Traynor hesitated. "I'm sorry about Mordin." She walked up to the console and stood next to Shepard. "Is there anything I can do for you?" She placed a hand on the Commander's shoulder. Shepard looked up at her, startling Traynor: her bionic eyes glowed red through what seemed like cracks. Traynor regained herself quickly.

"My god! You look exhausted, Shepard."

"I'll sleep when this war is over."

"With all due respect, you haven't slept since that time we danced the night away on the Citadel."

"That sounded like an order, Traynor."

"A polite suggestion from someone with a vested interest in your success... Commander." She winked at Shepard.

"I guess forty winks won't hurt." She answered, and she could have sworn that Traynor was checking out her butt. Shepard straightened herself.

"But if there is any sign of trouble, I want to know. That's an order!" Shepard wanted to walk away, but Traynor grabbed her hand, pulled Shepard in, and hugged her. Shepard hesitated a second before letting her guard down and wrapped her arms around Traynor's waist.

"Thank you... Sam." Shepard started to sob a bit.

"It's ok, Quinn. I'm here for you."


	17. Chapter 17: No time to mourn

Quinn's screams were muffled. The hand in front of her mouth prevented prevented her from accidentally alarming the batarians

"Ssshhhttttt, it's OK" Someone whispered in her ear, and Quinn started to relax as she identified the voice as human.

The hand let her go, and she turned around to see who the person was. She didn't recognize him, so he wasn't someone from the colony.

 _Who is he? I would remember a handsome black man in his early 30s._

He indicated with his finger that she must stay quiet and should follow him. They crawled to a church about a 100 meters away from the three batarians and helped her climb through an open window.

After both of them were in the church, he led her to the altar and opened a hidden trapdoor underneath the carpet. _After spending 16 years of my life here, why didn't I know there was a trap door?_ The light was already on, and when they reached the bottom of the stairs she was surprised to see more people. They stiffened when they heard them coming down the stairs, fearing that they had been found.

"Thank the gods! Both of you are okay!" The female priest did her best not to shout in excitement. She hugged Quinn and then the man behind her.

"You know him, miss Anderson?" Quinn was now even more confused.

"This is my son, David. He arrived last night to surprise me. He is an officer in the Alliance." She said with pride.

"Oh." Before she could introduce herself, there was a loud explosion and the engines of a ship boomed above the church. Silence fell in the basement, as everybody knew what had happened.

After silently hiding in the basement for a day or so, they finally dared to go outside. When Quinn and the rest arrived at the town square, they could only see death. The remains of hundreds of people were scattered around on the ground, blood covering the buildings and the streets.

BANG BANG BANG. A woman, visibly in shock, fired her gun, hitting the priest in the chest. Mrs. Anderson looked at her wound, and then at her son, before she crumbled to the ground. David ran to her, while two others disarmed the woman who was still in shock. Quinn never had the chance to introduced herself to David.

Shepard woke up with a massive headache. Her whole body still felt sore, though her neck movement had improved. She walked to the sink and washed her face. When she looked in the mirror she finally understood why Traynor startled for a second a few hours back: her eyes were still glowing a bit. She splashed another handful of water on her face, hoping it would wake her up from this living nightmare.

Someone knocked at the door.

"It's open" Shepard said while looking at her private terminal. An e-mail from Ashley caught her attention. 'Took the job'.

"Shepard." Liara's voice echoed. "There is something you need to hear."

"Liara. You're the last person I expected." Her eyes were still fixed on Ashley's e-mail.

"Is this a bad time?"

"I could ask you the same question."

"What do you mean, Shepard?" The Commander finally looked up at her.

"Are you kidding me? Since when are you so clueless?" She said exasperated. "Where have you been lately? I haven't seen you or spoken with you in ages. You even declined the last mission. Like, what the hell?!" Liara sighed. She knew she couldn't walk away from this conversation anymore.

"I am sorry, Shepard… It's just… well." Liara stuttered a bit. "I know I told you to engage with Traynor. To move on. When you did, and I saw you and her in Purgatory and later on at the lunch, and I noticed I did not moved on.." Her voice trembled. "I guess, I'm just…"

"It's OK, Liara. Why didn't you just tell me? You know you can't run away from problems on a cruiser."

"I know, I just… I do not know. I hoped that by not seeing you, or her, I would forget it again."

"You do realize Traynor and I are just friends, right?"

"Oh come on, Shepard. Who do you think you are fooling?!" Liara chuckled, smiling faintly. "Never mind though. I will learn to live with it. I promise you, I will never shut you out, OK?"

"I hope not. I need you, you're my friend, my family. I need you at my side." Liara nodded in agreement. "Was this why you came here?"

"No. The salarian Councilor has an urgent matter to discuss." She answered, all businesslike again.

"Of course he does. He called the comm room?"

"The Council must be taking the Crucible seriously. I'll see you downstairs."

"Liara, just… be my family OK?"

"I will, Shepard."

After Liara left the room, Shepard stared at her private terminal again. She quickly replied to Ashley, telling her she was happy for her, and that she would visit the Citadel soon.

The salarian Councilor, who still had a grudge due to the whole genophage lifting thing, told her that he had found out that Udina was moving vast amounts of money, although he didn't know the reason why. Shepard immediately understood what he meant.

 _Udina dirty? Why am I not surprised by this?_

"Joker, head to the Citadel. I need to be there asap."

"Yes, ma'am. Maximum speed it is."She felt the ship accelerate as they spoke.

When they neared the Citadel, Shepard joined Joker in the cockpit. She always wanted to see how the docking would go, even though Joker was more than capable to do that on his own. It was a habit that had grown through the years in the Alliance. When she reached Joker, he had already tried to hail Alliance approach control.

"Alliance control, this is the SSV Normandy, are we cleared to descend?"

No reply came. Joker looked up at Shepard shaking his head, telling her there was no response.

"Alliance control, this is the SSV Normandy, we're headed to Bay 1-4, Zakera ward. Are we cleared to descend?" Joker sighed, visibly irritated by the lack of response. "What the hell is going on down there? Even if there was a station malfunction, they'd have backups online... I got a bad feeling about this… Checking emergency channels."

Joker wasn't the only one who had a bad feeling about it. Shepard had ordered Liara and Garrus to get ready, just in case. A decision she wouldn't regret. Joker finally started to talk with someone, though she couldn't hear the communication between him and the unknown person.

"Commander, there's a message from Thane. It's important, I think you'll want to hear this."

"Put him through." _Thane… haven't heard from him in ages… I wonder what is going on…_

"Shepard. The Citadel is under attack." His slightly crackling reptilian voice echoed through the cockpit speakers. "Cerberus troops are everywhere, and they're in control of the docks."

"Are you safe?" Shepard asked in a worrisome voice.

"No. I had to evade their commandos. I'm in a Presidium storefront."

"Did Ashley make it out?" _Please tell me she's fine._

"We got separated. She said she had to protect the Council. I'm going to C-sec headquarters."

"Why C-sec?"

"It's been compromised and C-sec response depends on it. As long Cerberus has the headquarters, they have the station."

"Joker, get us away from the docks and a close as possible to C-sec's HQ. We'll deploy the shuttle." Shepard ordered Joker while leaving the cockpit.

"Aye aye, Commander." Joker maneuvered the Normandy away and flew her into the heart of the Citadel. The last time he did that was over two years ago when they had to fight off Sovereign.

Shepard ran to the shuttle, turning a few confused heads as she passed them. When she arrived at the shuttle bay to grab her gear, she slammed into Traynor who was running some laps as exercise.

"Traynor! I'm so sorry!" She reached out her hand to help Traynor from the ground. Again she felt that electrifying feeling going through her body and butterflies started to come alive.

"Where's the fire, Commander?" She asked while panting from her run.

Shepard tried to focus on what Traynor just said. She was distracted by the fact Traynor was wearing a t- shirt that stopped above her navel and tight shorts. Sweat covered her body, making it glisten as it dripped down her chest.

"Oh uh… Problems, Citadel." Where the only words she could stammer. "Here." She grabbed Traynor's arm and started to punch in a code in her Omni-tool. "Now you can see what I see, I linked you to my visor. Gotta run!" She let go of Traynor's arm again.

Shepard had to force herself not to look back to take in another glimpse of Traynor.

 _Not the right time Shepard, let go, got to think straight!_

Shepard grabbed her gear and ran with it to the shuttle. Cortez was doing his final checks, so Shepard had some time to change before the shuttle was ready to leave the Normandy. After she had stripped down to her underwear, she noticed Garrus was doing his best not to look at her. She chuckled. It was no secret to Shepard, or anyone else, that he had a crush on her.

"Hostile fire incoming!" Cortez yelled to the rest while he maneuvered the shuttle wildly through the Citadel. "I'm not going to able to land. I'll find a place with some cover and then you can jump out on my mark." Shepard, Liara and Garrus made sure that they, and their weapons were ready to go.

"3, 2, 1, MARK!"

"GO GO GO!" Shepard yelled.

Liara jumped out first,forming a shield with her biotics, and Garrus followed. Shepard stood a moment, watching the battle unfold. C-sec and Cerberus were heavily fighting each other, and hadn't noticed their arrival. After quickly taking in an overview of the battle, Shepard followed them. She ordered her squadmates to draw fire to their location while she would flank Cerberus from the left side. She found a good position with cover in the front of her as well as to her left. She shot three soldiers in the back before Cerberus noticed her presence. At that moment, Liara and Garrus joined her on the left flank for support. C-sec was still pinned down on the right side of the platform, but, due to the three of them, they got some breathing room and actually got a chance to fight Cerberus off. After a dozen soldiers were eliminated, Shepard ran up the stairs to take out the last two.

The battle finished and four men and a woman from C-sec came out of cover. To Shepard's surprise, one of them was Commander Bailey, who had been shot in his abdomen. He didn't expected Shepard would be victorious in this battle. After getting them up to speed, Bailey opened the locked door leading into the C-sec building. He immediately sat behind the terminals, making sure that C-Sec wasn't fighting in the dark anymore and could regroup to fight off Cerberus, but his eyes fell on a messages first:

* * *

From: Councilor Valern

To: Unknown

Be on guard, the likelihood of betrayal from within is high.

* * *

Bailey looked up at Shepard. He didn't have to say anything to her. She knew they should rescue the Councilor first, so that at least one of them would survive the assault.

On their way to the Councilor's room, they hardly found any resistance, just the dead that Cerberus had left to rot.

"This should be the Councilor's room." Garrus said, while opening the door.

"Bailey, looks like they got him."

"Make sure you confirm his body. Otherwise, don't count him out of the game yet."

Liara stared out of the window to a conference room. "Shepard, I think I see some movement there."

 _Who the hell is that?!_ Shepard wondered when she saw someone in front of the Councilor. She immediately took her gun, shot the window and jumped through it. She landed behind the stranger, but he quickly jumped out of her way. He landed on the other side of the Councilor again, and raised his hand to him. The biotics in his hand started to glow, ready to fire.

"Don't even think about it." Shepard ordered the stranger. Both of them started to walk around the salarian.

"Shepard, he's going to kill us all." The Councilor said.

"That remains to be seen." Shepard answered coldly, completely focused on the stranger. Garrus and Liara finally joined her in the conference room.

"I mean Udina." They Councilor said calmly. "He's staging a coup. He has the other Councilors now… To hand over to Cerberus."

At that moment, the stranger wanted to shoot the Councilor but didn't get a chance. Thane had appeared, holding his own gun against the stranger's head. However the man was too fast, even for Thane. Before the drell could blink, the stranger had already engaged him in close-up combat. When Thane thought he was getting the upper hand, the stranger disappeared again.

"Where did he go?!" Shepard shouted.

Before someone could answer her, the stranger reappeared with a blade in his hand, slicing it through Thane's gut. He ran away after his attack and Shepard pursued him. He jumped out of the window, only for Shepard to see him escape by riding on top of a C-Sec shuttle. He gave her a smug smile while waving at her.

Shepard ran back to the conference room, worried about Thane. When she arrived, he collapsed to the floor. Shepard immediately ordered Bailey to send medical support to the conference room and informed him about what just happened with Thane and what the Councilor had to say. Bailey told Shepard that he thought the stranger might be after the other Councilors, and Shepard agreed.

Shepard, Garrus and Liara took one of the shuttles left behind by C-Sec to get to the Presidium as soon as possible. Bailey had sent them the location where the Councilors were heading to. When they neared their destination, the stranger jumped on the front of the shuttle. He looked at Shepard with the same smugness on his face. He raised his blade and the moment Shepard wanted to shoot him, he jumped to the rear and jammed it in the engine of the shuttle. The vehicle started to shake uncontrollably. Shepard kept shooting the stranger, while Liara tried to stabilize the shuttle. The stranger had powerful biotics, almost as powerful as Jack, and he used them to shield himself from Shepard's fire until a second shuttle picked him up.

While their shuttle went down, hitting walls and walkways, Liara managed to land it safely on the ground. The three of them kicked the hood of the shuttle a few times in harmony, until it popped open.

"Well, looks like we're on foot now." Garrus stated the obvious. The only thing that Shepard did in response was giving him the 'Oh really look.'

Once they reached the elevator leading to the shuttle pad, Shepard caugh a glimpse of the stranger as the doors closed. They had no time to spare, so Liara quickly opened the door of a second elevator. They jumped few meters down the shaft on top of it. Shepard asked Bailey if he had control of the elevators.

The elevator they stood on started to ascend. To gain some time, Bailey made sure that the strangers' elevator stopped at every floor. Bailey also suggested that Shepard should take out the conduits beneath the stranger's elevator so it would stop working. Shepard nodded to Liara and Garrus to take them out, and the strangers' elevator stopped dead between two floors, while they swooshed past him at high speed. After thirty floors they finally saw the elevator of the Councilors and jumped on it when they passed it. Shots directly emerged through the roof, scraping the Achilles heel of Liara. Shepard looked at her, but she didn't even flinched. _Looks like the Achilles heel isn't the weak spot of the asari._ This thought made Shepard smile for a moment.

The elevator stopped and Shepard lost her balance. Garrus grabbed her by the elbow before she could fall down, and she stopped smiling, focusing on the mission again. They opened the hatch into the elevator, but the Councilors had already left the area and Shepard jumped down, followed by Liara and Garrus. As they walked out the elevator, Liara locked the elevator door via the control panel.

"Shepard?!" Ashley sounded surprised. She stood in front of a destroyed shuttle.

"Shepard is blocking our escape! She's with Cerberus!" Udina said viciously.

"Shepard, what's going on?" Ashley asked while she held Shepard at gunpoint.

"Udina's behind this attack, the salarian Councilor confirmed it." Shepard lowered her gun, hoping to gain Ashley's trust.

"Please, you have no proof. You never do." Udina replied while rolling his eyes

"There are Cerberus soldiers in the elevator shaft. If you open it, they will kill you all."

"We have mistrusted Shepard before… and it didn't help us." The asari Councilor said.

"We've no time to debate this." Udina started to walk to a control panel. "We're dead if we stay out here. I'm overriding the lock."

Shepard raised her gun again, pointing it at Udina, while Ashley still had her at gunpoint.

"I'm gonna regret this." Ashley mumbled to herself loud enough for Shepard to hear. For a moment, she feared Ashley would try to shoot her.

"No you're not." Shepard replied.

"Alright, Skipper." Ashley turned around and pointed her gun on Udina now. "Udina, step back from the console!"

"To hell with this." He replied and started to work on it.

The asari tried to get him to stop peacefully, but Udina answered her friendly gesture with pushing her to the ground and pulling a gun out of his blazer.

"GUN!" Ashley yelled.

Shepard didn't hesitate and shot Udina, followed with orders for Liara and Garrus to cover the door; she then commanded Ashley to get the Councilors to safety.

A whizzing sound filled Shepard's ears. She ran to the door to see what was happening. A welding machine was trying to burn through the elevator's door. She was relieved when she found that Bailey was behind the door.

"Well it looks like you uh… took care of things." He said while looking at Udina's body.

Bailey quickly got the councilors up to speed on what happened in the last few hours, erasing their skepticism towards Shepard's loyalty. Relieved to have Shepard on their side, they thanked her, as well Garrus and Liara, before Bailey escorted them away while the Citadel was completely swept from Cerberus presence.

Ashley walked up to Shepard.

"I'm sorry I doubted you."


	18. Chapter 18: The list keeps growing

Shepard arrived at the Normandy after debriefing with Bailey and some others people to change into something clean before going to visit Thane, who was still in surgery. Shepard felt defeated even though she saved the day, again. She took off her visor and tossed in the corner of the cargo bay before the elevator's door opened.

"Watch it Shepard, I don't like to be tossed around… well not like that anyway." Traynor started to blush as soon as she heard her own pun. Shepard didn't pick up on it, still consumed by her own thoughts.

"Oh, hi." She said absently.

"How is… Thane doing?" "Traynor knew how bad the situation was, as she'd been following the mission through Shepard's visor's feed. Still, Quinn appreciated the fact that Sam was trying to be there for her.

"I don't know, Sam. I haven't heard anything from Huerta Hospital yet. I rushed here so I could change into something less…. bloody, before going to see him." She looked at all the stains on her combat suit.

"Is there anything I can do for you, Quinn?" She took Shepard's hand in her own. Shepard looked down at her hand and then up to Traynor again.

"Could you come with me?" Shepard stuttered a little bit.

"Of course. Give me 15 minutes to finish up some work"

"OK, I'll see you in the CIC when I'm done."

The both of them stepped in the elevator. Traynor didn't let go of Shepard's hand until the elevator's doors opened again. Shepard had to go up one more floor. In the five seconds it took to reach her room, all kinds of emotions rushed through her. Confusion, sadness, darkness, but also happiness, and butterflies in her stomach again. She kept trying to get rid of those feelings, trying to keep the focus on what mattered, defeating the Reapers, yet she kept losing her focus.

After she finished changing into her casual clothes, she went down to the CIC. Traynor was already waiting for her, leaning against her console. Shepard looked in her dark brown eyes, and felt like she was being sucked into them, as if looking into a black hole.

"Well Commander, you took your sweet time." Traynor smiled.

"Oh, uh, yeah, sorry." Shepard snapped back to reality.

"I'm joking, Shepard."

Before they reached the airlock, they bumped into Joker. He looked at Shepard and then to Traynor. A smile curled on his face, quickly growing into a huge grin.

"Soooo finally going on a date together?! The two of you took your time!"

Both of them started to blush and smile nervously.

"Uh, well, erm, no. I'm going to the hospital to see Thane, and Traynor asked if we could share a shuttle cab…. because well, erm, uh…"

"Because a friend of mine, who I want to visit, works near the hospital." Traynor lied, rescuing Shepard.

Shepard looked at her in surprise. _Wow, that girl can lie!_ She didn't necessarily saw that as a bad trait.

"Ooookkkkaaaayyy" Joker said, knowing it was a lie. "I'm gonna get me some Joe." He pointed at empty mug he was holding.

Traynor and Shepard walked onto the dock, taking a shuttle to the hospital.

"Sooo, what else do you lie about?" Shepard grinned at Traynor.

"So far nothing, but when I do, you won't know it." She winked at Shepard.

"You're an interesting woman, Sam."

"And you don't even know half of it."

They sat silently for the rest of the ride. At first Shepard was trying not to look at, or touch Traynor, but the closer they came to the hospital, the more the darkness got a hold of her again. Her face went from a forged stoic one to a blue one. Traynor picked up the mood swing from Shepard and put her hand on her knee.

"I'm here for you." She whispered. Shepard put her hand on hers, and squeezed it, though she still stared in front of her until they arrived at the hospital.

After Shepard left the shuttle, she directly went to the room of Thane, fearing the worst. When she discovered that he was still alive, she gained a bit of hope again.

"His Kepral's syndrome, it interferes with his blood ability to carry oxygen. He lost a lot." Kolyat told Shepard. "They gave him transfusions, but there isn't much drell blood on the Citadel."

"You're Thane's son, right?

"Yes." They both looked at Thane. "I removed his oxygen mask, so he could be comfortable. I don't think it will take long."

"Your father helped me to save a lot of lives. I would like to be here."

Thane opened his eyes. "Commander, I'm afraid I won't be joining you again."

"You've done more than enough, Thane."

"That assassin should be embarrassed. A terminally ill drell managed to stop him from reaching his target." Thane chuckled softly. "There's something I need to do, before it gets worse. I must…" He started coughing badly.

"Kalahira, mistress of inscrutable depths." Thane started again. "I ask forgiveness. Kalahira, whose waves wear stone and sand…" He had to cough again.

"Kalahira." Kolyat continued, reading from a book. "Wash the sins of this one and set him on the distant shore of the infinite spirit."

Thane had a proud look on his face, when he heard his son speak the words like the priests would do.

"Shepard, care to join me?" Kolyat asked. Shepard nodded.

"Kalahira." Kolyat started. "This one's heart is pure, but beset by wickedness and contention."

"Guide this one to where the traveler never tires." Shepard continued. "The lover never leaves, the hungry never starve. Guide this one, Kalahira, and he will be a companion to you as he has been to me."

Thane turned his head while he exhaled for the last time. A silent fell. Shepard walked up to him, closing his eyelids. She stood there and looked at him.

"There's something I don't understand, Kolyat. His last moment where of a hero. Why pray for salvation?"

"The prayer wasn't for him, Commander. He has already asked for forgiveness for the lives he has taken."

Shepard let go of Thane and turned around to look at Kolyat, somewhat surprised.

"His wish was for you." Kolyat continued.

"Goodbye Thane, you won't be alone long." Shepard kissed him on the cheek. His skin felt weird on her lips. The scales felt hard, though the gill-like skin felt wrinkly and soft.

After saying her goodbyes to Thane and Kolyat, Shepard left the room, longing for Traynor's companionship. She felt at peace when Traynor was around. To her surprise, Ashley was waiting outside the room for her instead of Samantha. Although happy to see her again, she felt somewhat disappointed.

"Shepard… I don't know what to say. I'm trying to go over everything in my head… Make sense of it."

"I never wanted to put you in that situation. We're on the same side, Ash." Shepard couldn't stay mad at her. She knew Williams found it difficult to get over the fact she worked for Cerberus for a while, and she couldn't blame her.

"I can't believe it came to that… We were so close to…"

Shepard walked up to Williams and put her hand on her shoulder. "Ash, it's OK. We figured it out. We stopped that bastard Udina and got to walk away. That's the important part."

"I can't believe he was responsible for all of it. Do you think he was indoctrinated?"

"I don't know."

"How do you fight something that can worm its way in your head?"

"I don't know, Ash, but we have no choice."

"Talking about that… Hackett asked me to join his team. It's a great offer, but I prefer to ride this thing out aboard the Normandy."

"Permission granted. I couldn't do this without you, Ash."

Williams smiled and went to get her gear. After she disappeared from sight, Traynor came walking back.

"How's Thane doing?" She asked.

"He… he passed away after I said goodbye…" A long, deep sigh followed her words. Traynor straight away embraced her in a firm hug. Shepard let Tryanor's bodily warmth flow into hers, feeling the comfort no one had been able to give her in years. Not even Liara had ever given her this kind of comfort and warmth.

"I'm so sorry, Quinn." She whispered in her ear.

"So am I, so am I." Shepard let go of Traynor. "We should go back to the Normandy, my Omni-tool has been driving me crazy for the last half an hour. Apparently Hackett needs to speak with me.

"Commander, I suggest you let that ol' fart wait a bit longer." Traynor said with a sarcastic voice. "We're going somewhere else first." Shepard looked at her in surprise.

"Where?" Shepard asked curiously.

"You'll notice soon enough."

Traynor took Shepard's hand and led her to a shuttle. After a few minutes drive, they stopped in the outskirts of Bachjret ward. Shepard had never been there. She was always either in the Presidium or Zakera Ward.

"Uh Sam." Shepard started. "Why are we here?" She felt a bit uncomfortable, not knowing what Traynor had planned. Shepard hated surprises. She didn't know why, but she guessed it was a 'war thing'. Always on her guard, expect the unexpected. When not in battle she loved the fact she could relax, being off guard.

"Don't worry Quinn. We are already here." She pointed at a shabby looking pub and walked over there. "Don't keep me waiting! If you're afraid, I can always hold your hand." She winked at Shepard.

"Hold your horses…. I'm coming. I was just taking in the 'beauty'." Shepard said sarcastically, while she rolled with her eyes.

When they walked in, Shepard felt as if she was in an old English pub from those old movies from the 20th and 21st century. She took in the ambiance visually as well by smell. It smelled like beer and cigarettes and the crowd wasn't what she would've expected by just looking at it from the outside. It was a mixture of races and status, from Vorcha to Asari. The interior itself was dark, with antique lamps and even an antique pool table. The bar was made of a wood like material and the shelves behind it were filled with all type of earth and non earth liquor.

 _How on earth does she know a place like this…. I guess I don't know half about her._

"How did you learn about this place?" Traynor smiled at Shepard's question.

"Before graduating from the Academy, I had an internship here. Me and a few others from the Academy used to spend a little too much time here." She answered while smiling. "Ahhh the memories from here…. God I've missed this place. Haven't been able to come here in years! Busy wit QEC and some retrofits from a certain rogue ship." Traynor chuckled.

"So why come here now? I still have an impatient Hackett on hold."

"Well if I remember correctly, in the past uniformed people used to drink for the fallen while their drinks stand in the middle of the table, honoring them. You need closure Quinn, how else can you keep going on? How could any of us go on, if we don't get any closure?"

"I guess you're right…" Shepard started to drown in her own feelings again. The aching from losing so many friends recently, but also the ache that lingered for Kaiden and even for Legion. _Who knew I would feel like this for a Geth…_

After the bartender set down four drinks, Shepard snapped out of her thoughts. She looked at them, and then to Traynor who handed her one and took one herself.

"To never forgetting the fallen." Traynor said while raising her glass.

"To never forgetting friends." Shepard replied. They both drank the glass of scotch in one gulp and set down the glass again. Shepard looked at Traynor. She was so grateful that she came into her life.

"Thank you, Sam. I…"

"It's OK, Quinn. Like I said before, I've got a vested interest in your success." Traynor smiled.

Shepard looked at the two full glasses of scotch. "We should go back to the Normandy, and give the other crew members some closure too."

Traynor paid the waiter and they left, never touching the two other glasses. The shuttle ride was quiet again. When they exited the shuttle, Shepard saw Ashley waiting outside the Normandy.

"Lieutenant Traynor, I picked up the package, as you requested me to do. I think you're right. The crew needs this."

Shepard looked confused at the both of them.

"Thank you, XO Williams." She took the package Willams handed to her,

Shepard still looked confused. "Uh, what's going on here?"

"I got two plaques made for the memorial wall. XO Williams was kind enough to pick them up for me, so I could get you away from the Normandy for a while longer. She agreed you needed a few minutes to mourn, before returning to the Normandy."

"When did you… Oh wait... Did you arrange this while I was with Thane?" She looked at Traynor, intrigued.

"Yes, I spoke with one of the staff members in the hospital, and they told me Thane wouldn't make it. I didn't want you, us, to leave without a proper goodbye, ergo the drinks and the plaques. The XO made it easier for me to arrange it." She smiled at Williams and then at Shepard.

Shepard didn't know what to say, she was perplexed with how much Traynor was willing to do for her. After the three of them boarded the Normandy, Shepard made a PA announcement.

"I regret to inform you that Thane has finished his battles in life. If you wish to pay your respects to him or to Mordin, then join me for a small memorial service in five minutes at the memorial wall. Shepard out."

Shepard went first to the observation desk, grabbing glasses and scotch, she wanted to repeat what Traynor and she did earlier. When she arrived at the memorial wall, Shepard saw her complete crew standing there. Her heart broke when she saw she wasn't the only one who loved Thane and Mordin.

"Everybody, thank you for gathering here. It's been a bad 24 hours. First we lost Mordin, who sacrificed himself to save a specie, and Thane not much later. Although he was already dying, he still fought to help others. Both will be missed." Shepard hung the plaques with their names, while Traynor handed out a glass of scotch to the crew. The last two glasses she set down under the wall. There was a minute of silence before Shepard raised her glass.

"To the fallen and friends."

"To fallen and friends." The rest of the crew followed. They all drank their glass simultaneously.

Shepard stayed there for a few minutes to talk to with some crew members, until Shepard couldn't ignore the Omni-tool vibrating for the millionth time. She left the gathering, excusing herself it was business time again.


	19. Chapter 19: Securing insecurities

After her talk with Hackett and Anderson about the fact the quarians were willing to talk and about the assassin, she sat down in her cabin with a cup of coffee, while waiting for Kai Leng's file.

 _How does Anderson know this assassin Kai Leng…_ She didn't have to wait too long for an answer.

"Commander." Traynor started. The butterflies started to roar again in her stomach. _Down, DOWN DOWN!_ Shepard yelled in her head.

"A high priority message has arrived on your private terminal." Traynor continued.

"Thank you, Traynor." Shepard still felt the warmth rushing through her body. _Damn it… I just want to be with her, I should ask her up here… but how?! Wait. CHESS! That's it._ _How could I forget that! Stupid, stupid, stupid Shepard._ Shepard sat behind her private terminal and opened a new message.

* * *

From: Shepard, Q

To: Traynor, S

Let me know when you have time. Feel like playing some chess.

* * *

Shepard fiddled a few seconds with the send button. _Is this really a good idea? There's a freaking war going on, we're on the verge of extinction…_ She let the last five last words sink in. _On the verge of extinction…_ She felt a knot forming in her stomach now. _If we are going to die… I might as well have some fun._ This thought made her feel bold and she pressed the send button. She loved and hated the decision she just made. Shepard was quite sure the feeling was mutual, yet she didn't like putting her faith in someone else's hands, which is why she ranked up so quickly within the Alliance. Well, that and the fact she saved most of her platoon on Elysium, but this, her faith in the hands of Traynor immediately started to kill her from the inside. _What if I'm, wrong… god… why am I doing this… I'm Commander fucking Shepard, Hero of the galaxy, who came back from the dead! I can do this! NOT!_

After wallowing in self pity for a few minutes, and no reply from Traynor yet, she finally started to read Kai Leng's file.

* * *

From: Anderson, A

To: Shepard, Q

Shepard, this is all the information we have on Kai Leng. It isn't much, but hopefully it will give you an idea on what you're facing.

Name: Leng, Kai

Date of birth: March 2, 2156

Enlisted: November 14, 2172

Tour of duty's:

 **2172** Terminus Systems Patrol and reconnaissance

 **2173** Exodus Cluster Patrol and reconnaissance (reprimanded for taking medals from dead enemy officers; sentence was reduced in light of previous, exemplary service record)

 **2174** Raid of Entiyon (recommended for Systems Alliance Medal of Valor)

 **2175** Kite's Nest Tactical reconnaissance (accepted into Interplanetary Combatives Academy)

 **2176** Received N7 designation from Interplanetary Combatives Academy.

 **2176** Dishonorably discharged and imprisoned for 20 years in an Alliance prison after charge of first-degree murder (while on leave, murdered a krogan in a bar on the Citadel using a standard-issue service blade). Where he soon broke out, with the help of the Illusive Man

In addition to his skills as a soldier and assassin, Kai Leng received several cybernetic upgrades from Cerberus. These included mechanical legs to replace the ones that David Anderson blew away with a shotgun, and Phantom-class implants that granted him a degree of superhuman strength and speed.

Like all of Cerberus' Phantom-class operatives, he wields a mono molecular blade that can slice through practically any armor. He is also equipped with a laser palm cannon and a shield generator.

Be careful, as you can see, I fought him before. He is cunning, quick and strong. Don't underestimate him.

Take care Shepard.

* * *

 _Well that explains a lot… Wait what? He took out a korgan with a standard-issued service blade?_ Shepard was impressed with that. Killing a krogan with an assault rifle was already a challenge, let alone with a service blade. _And they think I'm insane..._ She quickly glimpsed at her inbox again. _No reply from Traynor yet. Just a new mission from Hackett._ Shepard sighed.

The Alliance had found a secret Cerberus lab, function unknown, a recon team was sent but had to retreat early in the mission. Hackett wanted Shepard to check it out. He thought it might be a facility researching Reaper tech.

Shepard sent Joker a message to go to the coordinates Hackett had sent, and dropped down on her bed, staring out of the skylight. Stars and planets swooshed by, and when they went through the mass relay, all she could see was darkness. The darkness outside stirred the darkness inside Shepard. She started to get very anxious about the fact Traynor hadn't responded yet. It was nothing like Sam to not respond immediately to any message. Time slowly passed by while she chewed on her hair. _Why hasn't she responded? It was her idea to play chess… but that was a week ago or so… maybe she doesn't want to play anymore? But why is she always there for me? Am I reading it wrong? Oh god…_ Shepard finally fell in a restless sleep. She dreamed about Mordin, about Thane, Kaiden, Legion but also Anderson. Her fear about losing him caught up with her in her dreams.

Before her dreams could become nightmares again, her omni-tool woke her. _A message from Traynor!_ Her butterflies swirled up again, but were quickly shot down. She needed to talk with her. _Oh no, oh no, oh no. That's never a good sign._ She quickly got up from the bed again. Her heart beated fiercely in her chest. She quickly calmed down though, not because she managed to calm herself down, but because she noticed there were fish in her tank again, alive. Also, a note was sticking on the tank.

'Found an automatic fish feeder on Citadel, and fish. Hope you like it. Sam.'

 _Oohhh that's so nice… but when? And why didn't I noticed this before? How long has it been on there?_ Shepard took a deep breath, trying to look casual again and went down to the CIC. Traynor was hunched over her console next to the galaxy map, her fingers rapidly going from left to right. Shepard leaned a moment against the elevator door, soaking in Traynor. How she looked in her Alliance regs, how her neck was slightly visible, her butt. _God that ass is just… wow._ Shepard slowly walked up to her.

"You wanted to talk with me?" Shepard said as casually as possible. Traynor startled.

"God, Shepard! You scared the wits out of me! Could you please be a little bit louder than a freaking mouse?!" Traynor first looked annoyed at first, but she quickly regained herself and smiled again.

"Yes, I did as the matter of fact." Traynor continued. "A group of Cerberus scientists cut ties and fled. Perhaps they finally realized they were on the wrong side. We don't know what they were researching, but they were among the Illusive Man's top scientists. They could help build the Crucible." She looked in an insecure way at Shepard.

 _She is so damn cute when she looks like that._ Shepard had to suppress a smile. _Look professional, don't let her notice you're looking at her in… that way._

"Maybe we could recruit them? Lot's of Cerberus people think they're doing right thing. I know I did." Shepard didn't really like talking about the time she spend with Cerberus. She hated the Illusive Man from the start, but he did what was necessary while the Council was still in denial. Now she used her time with Cerberus as a way to convince Traynor, and herself, that it might be a good thing to pick them up and help scientists.

"And you were right, Commander." Traynor answered, which surprised Shepard. "Whatever crimes Cerberus is committing now… I was on Horizon when the Collectors attacked." Traynors' eyes became glassy. The ordeal still haunted her.

"Are you shitting me?"

"I wish. I was visiting my family during a university holiday…" Traynor's voice started to tremble from grief and anger. "While the Alliance was running studies, you were saving me and my family." An awkward silence fell between them for a few seconds.

"Has the Alliance tried to make contact with the scientists?" Shepard finally asked.

"They've been unable to find them, but they are searching… As is Cerberus. I've been monitoring their communications. I've charted signal frequencies from various Cerberus cells by location and cross-referenced know ship movements…"

"And you found them?"

"There's no way to be certain, but I've got a definite possibility."

"Knowing you… Put it on the map, and I'll give it a look."

"I already put it on the map, Commander." She winked at Shepard.

"Traynor." Shepard started. "Never mind." She continued when Traynor looked up at her.

Shepard wanted to ask if she read her message, but decided against it. She didn't want to look too desperate. _Sam properly didn't notice that she received it… So busy with tracing those scientists._ She actually felt proud at Traynor. Within no time she proved herself to be a very important asset on the Normandy.

"Alright then…" Traynor said with traces of confusion in her voice. "If you don't mind then, I've got to go back to work." She smiled apologetically at Shepard, and immediately her fingers flowed fluently across the terminal.

After a few more hours of freaking out about the fact Traynor still had not responded to the message, they finally reached the Cerberus research station. While she sat in the Kodiak on her way to the research station, Shepard's omni-tool started to beep.

* * *

From: Traynor, S.

to: Shepard, Q.

Sorry for the late reply, still would love to beat your ass at chess. Let me know when you want to be humiliated.

Ps: don't forget to get some Reaper samples. Hackett's dying to see how Cerberus is connected to the Reapers. (Asking me for update every five min or so.)

* * *

The timing was perfect for Shepard, now she didn't have to take those insecure feeling with her. Instead, now she felt a rush going through her body, like a stim boost, but better. EDI, who was coming along for the mission looked at her intriguingly. Shepard realized that EDI could see all the data communication coming in and out, from everybody to everybody, and knew that she had a habit to continuously monitor all the vital signs of the crew. _Oh god… EDI knows._ Shepard gave her a stern look.

"Shepard." EDI started. _No EDI shut the fuck up!_ "Is it possible to discuss some… matters soon? I'm intrigued about certain parts of the human physiology." Shepard rolled her eyes at this request.

Vega looked at the two of them. "Am I missing something here?" His voice sounded curious.

"Beside some brain cells?" Shepard answered, hoping to take the attention away from her. Shepard's wish was answered.

"WHAHAHAHA BURN!" Joker could be heard through the Kodiak.

"Shut the fuck up, Joker!" Vega grunted to Joker.

"What no snappy comeback, Vega? Too much strain on those few brain cells that are still left?" Before Joker could go any further, Cortez terminated communications with him.

"Just let it go, James. Joker is an ass." Cortez said. "Just focus on the mission, we're there."

The door of the Kodiak opened and they entered the station. Except a soft humming sound, the station was quiet. _Too quiet if you ask me._ Shepard didn't trust it. Instead of talking, she used hand signals so they wouldn't give away their position, in case her gut feeling was correct. They slowly walked down the hallway, looking through the laboratory windows if there was anything interesting in the room.

After a few rooms, EDI told Shepard, through her headset without moving her lips, that she picked up Reaper signatures two hallways down. Shepard nodded to her and signaled EDI to take point and guide them. After a few meters, she informed Vega and Shepard that she could see the reflection of potential hostiles in the metallic wall on the opposite of the hallway. Shepard's lips curled in an evil smile; she was pleased about EDI as a warrior. She could see things that organics could never see. She signaled Vega and EDI to walk in a diamond formation. Before the Cerberus soldiers even knew what was coming, they already took them out.

"There," Vega stated. "Guess that's what we're looking for."

"You are correct, James," EDI replied, "but it's being protected by a force field. I need to disable that first." EDI walked up to a terminal. One of her fingers changed into a plug that would fit the socket. "This will take a few minutes."

The moment her finger was plugged in, Cerberus troops started to flood the room with bullets.

"We need to protect EDI!" Shepard shouted to Vega. Vega laid a cover fire next to EDI, while Shepard tried to flank them from the back. During the mission briefing, blueprints showed that the station was a big square. She ran as quickly as possible through several doors and hallways,

"Lola, you gotta hurry! I'm down to my last clip. EDI's shields can't hold out any longer."

"Al… most… there…" Shepard panted. The last time she sprinted for two kilometers was during her N7 acceptance test. Before reaching the Cerberus soldiers, she jumped, landed on her knees and while sliding into them, she shot them one by one with her N7 Crusader. It was the only shotgun she trusted, due to the fact it's damage and accuracy were well balanced.

Five bodies almost simultaneously fell down to the ground. Shepard still sat on her knees, covered in blood and guts, grinning at Vega.

"Lola, you have some serious mental disorders." He laughed at her and clasped his hand in hers to help Shepard up to her feet.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Shepard answered sarcastically. Vega rolled his eyes and started to pick the soldiers' pockets for some ammo.

"Shepard, I've breached the blockade. You should be able to move the sample now.

"Cortez, we've got it. We're en route to the Kodiak."

"Negative! Pad got hot! Got three birds on my tail, taking fire!" Cortez semi yelled through their comms. Scratch that, got four birds. Will rendezvous when I can."

"Joker!"

"Already on my way, Commander."

"Shepard." EDI started. "I can hear footsteps coming our way." EDI projected a hologram of herself, for distraction, while Shepard and Vega cocked their shotguns.

"Ok, we must keep moving, making sure they don't double back on us, like I did with the others."

Vega and EDI agreed. One of the first things they learned at the academy is that soldiers who moved a lot from cover to cover had a higher survival chance than soldiers who didn't.

This time they faced Cerberus elite forces, which gave Shepard an advantage. In the confined area they were in, their heavy armour was more of a burden than an advantage. Shepard kept moving on her toes, quickly changing her direction from left to right getting up close and personal. She blasted the head off from one of the elites. _Ha! No amount of barrier helps when a shotgun is one meter away from your head._ Shepard spotted a regular soldier on her left. He was so occupied with Vega and EDI that he never saw her coming. Shepard grabbed the soldier around his throat, turned his back against her middle and walked up to the next elite, while using him as a shield. The elite shot him four times before Shepard was close enough to let the poor bastard go, and shot the elite a few times in the gut. After the elite dropped down she immediately ran up the next elite, three meters away from her and slid his throat open.

"Allsecur!" Vega shouted. "Like I said… Mental disorders, Lola." He chuckled while walking up to Shepard and EDI.

Not much later, Cortez reported in that he was on his way to the landing pad. After Shepard reached the shuttle, and could see the extended damage it took, she was taken aback, not many people would survive a four to one odd. Cortez stood there, with his left foot against the Kodiak, as if he just had been cruising the shore lines of a tropical island.

"Already requested a new shuttle from the SSV Hasting, who is on their way to intercept us and pick up the sample." Cortez said casually. Shepard shook her head in disbelief and grinned at Cortez while she entered the Kodiak.


	20. Chapter 20: Breakdown

After refreshing herself from all the blood and guts that covered her, Shepard was finally ready to invite Traynor up for a game of chess.

"EDI, when does Traynor's shift end?" She asked nervously.

"Specialist Traynor's shift ended 12 minutes and 49 seconds ago." EDI replied.

Ok… now or never then. Shepard opened a direct link to Traynor's omni-tool.

"Traynor, could you come up to my room? And bring your chess chess board as well. That's an order."

"Aye aye, Commander." She replied. Shepard heard a chuckle before the connection was terminated.

A minute later someone was at her door. Wow that was quick! Shepard instantly got nervous. Ok keep breathing! In and out, in and out. When Shepard opened the door, she was unpleasantly surprised.

"Allers, what can I do for you?" Shepard said irritated.

"Commander, could I have an interview with you?" Her camera drone hovered behind her right shoulder, already taping.

"You're timing couldn't be worse, Allers."

"It will be quick, I promise."

"Fine." Shepard sighed knowingly that Allers would bother her until she gave her that damn interview.

"Commander, it's no secret that Council space has suffered some serious losses to the Reapers lately. Now Cerberus has struck directly at the seat of our government. If something as small as a human terrorist organization can hit the Citadel, is anywhere safe?"

Shepard knew this was a valid question. Cerberus was making her life a living hell, as if it wasn't enough that they had to fight off the Reapers. She took a few moments before answering the question.

"Cerberus has limited resources. They gambled on this failed mission. It costed them a lot of money and troops. A little fear is understandable, but it can't paralyze you. They've failed as many times as they succeeded."

Allers asked a few more questions about the lost councilor and the succession and Shepard did her best to answer them truthfully, and made sure people didn't lose hope.

Allers thanked Shepard for taking out a few minutes for an interview. The moment Diana prepared to leave Shepard's cabin, Traynor walked in the door. She and Allers stared each other in the eyes for a moment. A faint smile appeared on Traynor's face.

What was that about? Shepard wondered.

"You know Allers well?"

"Well it's a small ship. We hang out every now and then and talk a bit. Just gals hanging out."

"Never afraid she will use your personal life for a story?" Shepard wondered out loud. She knew she would never trust a reporter, though she could be biased due to her history with reporters.

"I made it clear to her that if I found anything that might remotely be hinting to my life, I would make her life a living hell." She winked at Shepard. "By the way, your cabin is gorgeous! I've seen apartments smaller than this. I especially like your fish!"

"About that, when did you find the time to buy them?"

"I'm not answering this questions, Shepard. A girl needs her secrets." Shepard rolled her eyes but laughed while Traynor proceeded further into Shepard's cabin.

"You actually have your own shower? The faucets in the woman's room are crap, by the way." She said casually, after she looked around the shower. "But you said you're in the mood to play?"

"You brought your board?"

"Well it's not so much as a board… I bought it on the Citadel. GUI interface, not really as much fun as real pieces. I do hope that you might give me some pointers… You being the brilliant tactical Commander and such." Traynor snickered

"That's funny, I figured you'd be more interested in the shower…" Shepard answered while she was leaning against the door post of the shower.

"I didn't realize that was an option." Traynor answered intrigued.

Shepard pushed her shoulder away from the door post and took a step forward. "It's an option." She whispered in Traynor's ear. A blush appeared on Sam's face.

"Well… just give me a moment to grab my stuff." Traynor turned around and left the cabin.

Shepard quickly checked her hair, making sure it was neatly arranged. Should I wear something else? She looked at her N7 hoodie and trousers. I should, but too obvious… Never mind. She sat down on her chair awkwardly… first with her legs crossed, then more casually, leaning on her arm. The longer Traynor took, the more restless she got.

"EDI, where is Traynor now?" Her voice was shaking with nerves, but before EDI could answer, the door opened. DON'T ANSWER, DON'T ANSWER! Shepard shouted to EDI in her head. She didn't, to Shepard's relief. Traynor's eyes met hers while she passed Shepard on her way to the shower.

"No peeking, Shepard." Traynor winked at her.

After a minute or two the shower started to run. Shepard couldn't stop the urge of stealing a glimpse, so she peaked over the room divider. The door of the shower was still open, though she didn't see Traynor. Must be undressing herself… Her inside fluttered at this thought. When saw Traynor's shade moving in the shower, she quickly sat down again, hoping that Traynor hadn't noticed she was looking for a moment

"Ohh hot water and room to stretch! I could get lost in here…" A soft moan came from the showers. Behave Shepard… Not the time. Shepard stayed silent

"Mmm… Oohhh it's like a week's worth of stress washing off." Traynor continued. "And the timing is perfect. I was hoping to look nice for somebody."

Bingo… opening. "Hot date lined up?" Shepard asked, pretending to be clueless.

"Hopefully more than just that. I play for keeps."

"Sounds serious."

"That depends on whether she's interested." Echoed from the shower. Silence followed.

Shepard stood up and walked up to the shower, without even bothering to undress herself. Traynor was facing the wall, so Shepard took a moment to look at her, how the water followed the curves of Sam's body before reaching the ground. Quinn took a deep breath, gathering some courage

"She's interested." She finally whispered while placing her hands on Traynor's hips. Sam gasped, when Shepard finally touched her with her cold hands.

The first few moments she just held onto her, hoping she wouldn't wake up from this dream. Finally, she turned Traynor around and gazed into her eyes while she bit her own lower lip for a second. Before Shepard leaned in, a smile appeared on Traynor's face. Their lips slightly started to caress each other while their noses touched a few times before their lips finally locked in. The kiss was soft, tender and warm. After a few minutes of exploring each other lips superficially, Shepard pulled her head back, though Traynor silently disagreed at first, biting in Shepard's lower lip. Quinn looked in her brown eyes and saw a hunger in them like she never had seen before in anyone else. She caressed her face and let her hand follow her neck down her body until she reached Traynor's thigh and lifted it up against her waist, before leaning onto Sam with her full weight. Traynor was now pinned down between Shepard and the shower wall and bit her lower lip in anticipation of what Quinn would do next. This time Shepard kissed Traynor more aggressively, pushing her lips on Sam's. Quinn's free hand cupped around Traynor's neck, so more gentle force could be applied as their tongues danced in each others mouth, while she kneaded Sam's thigh with her other hand. Traynor dug her hands in Shepard's N7 sweater and slightly pulling it, silently telling Quinn she was doing exactly what Sam wanted.

After a few minutes of passionate kissing, Traynor pushed Shepard away. She looked with her beautiful brown eyes in Quinn's while her hand started to move up under her hoodie, stopping a moment at Shepard's breast to massage them softly for a second before going up again. Traynor then turned Shepard around, kissing her neck while she pulled of Quinn's hoodie and tank top. The moment it was off Quinn saw her, and Sam's reflection in the mirror. At first she felt content, happy even, until her eyes looked down seeing all the scars that covered her torso, then panic struck.

I can't do it, I can't do it… I can't lose her too… Everybody I love or care of get hurts… or worse.

Shepard pushed herself away from Traynor and turned around to face her. She looked at her without actually seeing her while she started chanting: "I can't do this" several times before collapsing on the bathroom floor. She crawled up against the wall, pulling up her knees as if she was that 16 year old child again, hiding under her house after her mother got killed. The words: "I can't do this" kept rolling of her lips, though softer, while the water from the shower still poured down on her

"Quinn, what's going on?" Sam's voice echoed through Sheppard's head, while a shadow moved around her.

"Quinn! Talk to me!" Traynor's voice sounded more worried now, but there was still no reaction from Shepard beside those same words: "I can't do this."

Traynor turned off the shower and called for Dr. Chakwas, asking her to come immediately to the Commander's cabin.

After a few minutes Shepard saw a second shadow moving around her and heard a second voice echoing through her head while repeating her chant.

"Traynor, what happened here?" Chakwas asked.

"Uhhh…" Traynor started to blush. She was standing there with a towel wrapped around her.

"Never mind." Chakwas mumbled. It was already clear to her what was going on. She walked up to Shepard and knelt. "Quinn. Can you look at me?"

Shepard lifted her head. "I can't do it, I can't do it." She kept saying while shaking her head. Her eyes were still glassy.

"You can't do what?" Chakwas asked, but Shepard just kept repeating the same words.

"Traynor. Could you help get the Commander out of the shower and get her into some dry clothes?"

Traynor was already dressed again when she nodded to Chakwas and walked up to Shepard to grab her right arm while Chakwas took her left arm.

"On three then." The doctor said. "One, two, three!" Both of them had to put all their strength into it, because Shepard's body had gone limp. When they finally got her up, they laid her down on the bed and Traynor started to undress Quinn further, while Chakwas grabbed a towel and dry clothes. Everything that was happening was just a big blur to Shepard who just kept saying the same four words over and over again: "I can't do it".

A few hours later, Shepard woke up in the med bay, looking around and trying to remember what happened. When she noticed that Traynor was asleep, her head laying on the side of her bed, the memory of them in the shower popped back in her head. She immediately started to hyperventilate, which triggered the monitor she was hooked up; it started to emit a loud beeping sound that startled Traynor.

"Dr Chakwas!" She shouted, though the doctor was already on her way. Shepard's breath kept making a wheezing sound.

"Sam, I think you should leave." Chakwas suggested.

After Traynor had left, Karin administered a sedative, hoping it would calm Shepard down. It took few minutes before the wheezing stopped and Quinn laid down again. She looked at Chakwas.

"Why am I here?" Shepard asked sluggishly.

"I could ask you the same thing." Chakwas replied while checking Shepard's vitals and blood work.

"I… I can't remember…" Shepard answered. "The last thing I remember was that Traynor and I were…" Shepard paused, feeling a bit ashamed.

"You and Traynor were in the shower." Chakwas finished for her. "I found you there huddled up against the wall. You kept saying the same four words over and over again."

"I can't do it." Shepard mumbled. She looked at Chakwas, who was startled by the look in her eyes. She had never seen Shepard in such a condition.

"Quinn, are you afraid?"

"I… I don't know. I just… I can't do this anymore."

"Do what?"

"Losing… all the people I love, they… they vanish… some literally and some… some figurally." She said while thinking of her mother, Kaiden, Mordin, Thane and even Liara and Ashley. "I… can't... lose... her…too" The sedative forced Shepard to fall into a deep sleep again.

A black forest rose up out of nowhere, while she heard laughter echoing. Shepard looked around her to see where the sound came from. She found a silhouette of a child, who started to run away. She had seen that face before, but didn't know from where. Quinn followed him, wanting to ask what he was doing here, and soon enough she caught up with him. When Shepard reached out her arm to touch his shoulder, he turned around and looked up at Quinn before he spontaneously combusted into flames.

Shepard tried to wake up, but the sedative prevented her to do so. She was stuck and the dream started over, though this time she saw shades and heard voiced. Even though the voices sounded familiar, it took a while before she recognized them. Mom? Is that you? Then the little boy appeared again and started to run away. While she followed the little boy, the voices of the whispers changed from her mother's, to Kaiden's, to Mordin's and finally to Thane's. The boy stopped and somebody else appeared in her dream, first Shepard saw her own face on this new figure, who hugged the boy. When the face looked up at Quinn, it changed into Traynor's who smiled at Shepard. At the moment Quinn wanted to walk up to Sam, both Traynor and the boy were caught in flames again.

Shepard shouted when she woke up. "NO, NO, NO NOT YOU! I CAN'T LOSE YOU, TOO!"

The shouting startled Chakwas who immediately ran up to Shepard, who sat upright in her bed. Her face was as white as a ghost, she was perspiring heavily and couldn't stop trembling. Chakwas wrapped her arms around her as she sat down next to Shepard on her bed trying to sooth her.

"Quinn, it's OK. I'm here." She said in a mother like voice.

"I can't lose her, too." Shepard said softly, holding on the arms that Chakwas still had wrapped around her.

After a few more hours she spent in the sickbay, it was time for her to pull herself together again. Need to go to the CIC, start preparing for the extraction of the scientist. A knot formed in her stomach. Going to the CIC meant facing Traynor. She closed her eyes and pulled all her strength together and got dressed.

When she finally found the courage to leave the med bay, Chakwas called her back.

"Sit." she said with a stern voice. Shepard complied. "I've made an appointment with a friend of mine in Huerta hospital." Chakwas continued. "She's a psychiatrist, and I want you to talk with her."

"What? Why?." Shepard answered in disbelieve.

"Why? You seriously ask me why? You've been an emotional wreck for the past 36 hours! Morally I can't let you go on like this, and neither as your friend…" Silence fell between the two of them. "I ordered Joker to go to the Citadel after this mission."

"Fine." Shepard answered. She knew Chakwas was right. If the war with the Reapers wouldn't destroy her, her behavior would. She pushed the chair away and left the med bay.

The mess hall was busy, but fell silent when Shepard walked in. She tried her best to ignore it and moved on to the elevator, who thankfully, arrived at the same moment as Shepard did. After she walked into the elevator, and before she pushed the button to the CIC, she wanted to know how much the crew knew.

"EDI." Shepard started cautiously. "Who knows about what happened with me?"

"Beside specialist Traynor, Dr. Chakwas and myself, nobody knows what exactly happened. The rest of the crew thinks you had a seizure, related to a battle injury."

Shepard sighed in relieve and pushed the button to the CIC.

Ok here it goes… She walked out of the elevator, directly to the galaxy map. She did her best to not look at Traynor standing almost next to her, but she couldn't. Shepard looked around her shoulder, directly in Traynor's eyes.

"Sam, I'm so sorry… I… I just…" Shepard couldn't finish the sentence. It physically hurt her to say those words again.

"You can't do it… Yes I already understood that. Thank you very much." A tear started to roll down Traynor's face before she turned on her heel and left the CIC.


	21. Chapter 21: Losing myself

Shepard paced restlessly up and down the Kodiak. She tried to clear her head of the last two days, especially the part about Traynor crying. She hated it, but she knew that if Sam stayed around her, she would end up hurt, or worse. She also knew she could never live with herself it that happened. _To protect Sam, I have to keep her at bay._ She sighed. That tear and her walking away from the CIC made sure that Shepard died a little bit on the inside.

"Shepard, are you OK?" Garrus asked. She didn't respond, still consumed by her thoughts.

 _I hope Sam can forgive me one day… That she will understand why that happened. Why I'm pushing her away._

"Shepard?" Williams said now while she touched Quinn's hand.

"Huh? What?" Shepard finally snapped out her thoughts

"Shepard, what's going on with you? Are you sure you're able to continue this mission?" Williams sounded concerned. She had never seen Shepard so distracted by something, other than an upcoming mission.

"I'm fine." Shepard growled back to Williams, hoping that she would back off with any follow up question. She wasn't in the mood to explain what happened. Ashley looked at Shepard in disbelief. She knew they'd had their issues in the last few years, but this, this was something new. Even Garrus stared at Shepard.

"Well, let's pretend then we believe you, Commander." Garrus scoffed sarcastically, his eyes fixed on Shepard's. "We know that the story about your seizure is bullshit, so why don't you start explaining to us what the hell is going with you." He continued, now with a serious tone in his voice. Shepard gave him a death stare in return.

"Just drop it, now." She spat venomously at him, while her hand curled up in a fist, squeezing it so hard her knuckles turned white. Garrus stood up and walked up to her and stopped when their chests almost touched.

"I'm putting MY life in your hands, Shepard." He spat back at Shepard. "I need to know what is bothering you, before I can continue to give you the privilege of playing with my life… And it's not only my life I'm worried about. Also, Williams' … And yours." He calmed down and gently put his hand on her shoulder. "Please, tell us what's going on."

Shepard knew they were right. She wouldn't want to fight beside someone who was preoccupied (with stuff other than the mission, and she knew her heart wasn't into the mission at the moment. Shepard took a deep breath, readying herself to tell them what had happened over the last few days, but then Cortez intervened.

"Ma'am, I'm picking up chatter from a Cerberus squad engaging a supply depot." He stated casuall).

"Engaging the scientists?" Shepard answered slightly relieved that she didn't wouldn't need to tell the truth yet.

"And if I'm reading it right, it sounds like more troops are on the way." His fingers quickly moved over the screens, trying to confirm whether the Intel was genuine

"Understood. Set us down, then get out of here. Garrus, Ashley, I need these scientists alive." _This is the least I can do for Sam. Making sure her Intel pays off._ Before Cortez even landed the Kodiak, Cerberus opened fire at them.

"When will they learn." Garrus chuckled while he equipped the mini gun. The moment they were close enough, Cortez opened the door and Garrus let the gun rattle until the last soldier was completely obliterated by the bullets the Turian had fired. "Never gets boring." He chuckled again, and just like that the topic of 'what the hell is going on with Shepard' was dropped.

Even though they were sure Garrus killed all the soldiers, they didn't want to take any chance while walking towards the facility's' door. They ran from cover to cover until Shepard heard one of the radios calling for a Jacob. _Could it be?_ They kept on moving towards the place where the radio voice came from.

"Shepard!" She heard now.

"Jacob! It's you!" She almost yelled in excitement, happy to see her former crew member. Shepard took him in for a moment before she noticed he was wounded. "How bad?"

"I'll live… I think." He replied, visibly in pain when Shepard helped him up on his feet.

"Does anyone read me?" The radio crackled again. Shepard walked up to it and picked it up.

Shepard informed the unknown female voice that they had taken care of the enemy, for now, and she should open the door. The person on the other side was wary of Quinn, and demanded another credential. Jacob signaled Shepard to give him the radio. After he told Brynn it was OK, the heavy blast doors opened.

 _Traynor?!_ Shepard was shocked until she realized the person who remarkably looked like Sam was someone else. She felt relieved it wasn't Traynor, that she was still safe onboard the Normandy, but part of her was also disappointed.

"Jacob!" Brynn shouted. "Are you OK?"

"I'm alright... But the others…" He looked at the lifeless bodies in the snow. "They didn't make it." Jacob continued with a sad voice.

"Jacob, what are you doing here?" Shepard asked, while Jacob was still leaning on her shoulders.

Jacob explained to Shepard how the scientist and some civilians went rogue on the Illusive Man, and that he wasn't too happy about that. Before they could explain to Quinn why they left Cerberus, the building started to shake. Cerberus tried to shut the place down, using out of orbit bombing.

"Time to evacuate." Shepard said casually

"You're right, but we need the AA guns on the roof back online. Cerberus is jamming them somehow. With those guns down, Cerberus will just blow our escape shuttles from the sky." When Jacob tried to put some weight on his leg, a moan of slipped from his lips

"Might be the network link." Brynn added.

"I'll check and meet you upstairs." Jacob said while he limped away.

Shepard followed Jacob up. After he finished some diagnostics, he informed Shepard that the satellite dish was indeed offline and that he needed to go out to fix it. Quinn ordered him to stay down, that it would be insane to go up there while he's wounded and that he needed to go see one of the doctors. At first Jacob declined her suggestion, until Shepard gave him that all convincing look that (suggested) he should listen to her, if he wanted to live another day. Finally, Jacob gave in and explained to her how to get to the roof.

After arriving on the roof, it didn't take long for the squad to reach the dish.

"Well, Garrus, this is your type of thing… get at it." Shepard said.

"Your wish is my command, Commander." Garrus opened the panel and started working on it. "Calibration times, come on tudududu tu dududu it's a calibration." He sang softly. Shepard rolled her eyes. _God Turians and their calibrations…_

It only took Garrus a few minutes to get the dish up and running again, though the AA guns didn't come online. Brynn told them they needed to manually restart the guns; she also informed them that the proximity alert on the roof had gone off. Shepard thanked her for the warning. The three of them cautiously moved on to the other side of the roof, where the two AA guns were located.

At first there were only a few Cerberus soldiers, and they took them down easily, but when Garrus started to work the AA guns, shit hit the fan. Shuttle after shuttle, the enemy started dropping reinforcements in, forcing them into cover. Shepard had spotted a mounted gun turret just moments before, so she ordered Williams to stay and protect Garrus, while she manned the turret gun and made sure most of the fire was drawn to her. On her way over to the turret, she had to shoot down two soldiers who had the same idea. Quinn grabbed the two handles and started firing shots at the Cerberus soldiers in rapid succession. She even managed to take down one of the shuttles that tried to drop in reinforcements, killing the troops who had just jumped out. Seeing those bastards die felt better than usual and the darkness roared in agreement with her blood thirst. _You will not hurt anyone I care for, or love… You will not hurt SAMANTHA!_ She yelled in her head while she let out a primal cry.

"Stop Shepard… SHEPARD STOP!" Garrus yelled over their comms.

"What?!" Shepard growled back at him, continuing to shoot around her.

"YOU NEED TO STOP… THEY'RE DEAD!" Garrus yelled again.

Shepard stopped shooting and looked around her at the devastation she had caused. Quinn collapsed on the floor, feeling exhausted _They're… you're... safe…_ Thinking of Traynor made Shepard feel nauseous and before she knew it she was throwing up on the floor next to her. Williams sprinted to Shepard, worried she might've been injured.

"Quinn, are you OK?" She asked with a worrisome tone, while she handed out her hand to help Shepard up,

"Yeah, I'm fine… it's just... never mind. I'll be OK." Shepard answered without looking at Williams. Quinn heard Ashley mumble "fine", but decided to pretend she hadn't heard it.

"Are the AA's ready?" Shepard asked, her voice sounded raw from the acids that just passed through her throat.

"Just have to lock in the fuse, then they'll be up and running." Garrus answered with the same worrisome tone in his voice that Williams had used earlier.

"Well, what are you waiting for?!" Shepard asked, slightly annoyed, wanting both to just let her be. Garrus mumbled some words in Turian that her translator couldn't translate. After he locked the fuse67 in place, the AA's immediately started firing with an ear deafening sound. Shepard and her squad started walking back to the compound.

"How is the evac going?" Shepard asked Jacob.

"On track. The first shuttle is already leaving with everybody under sixteen." Jacob replied as if Shepard was still his commanding officer

"Commander." Brynn interrupted. "When is the best time for the rest of us to evacuate?"

"As soon as possible. Let's send the civilians first, while you try to pack up as much of your research as possible."

Shepard decided to help Brynn pack her stuff, hoping to shut her mind up and to try to get some more information out of her on why they were here. She told Shepard that, thanks to Jacob, she finally saw what the Illusive Man really was. A tyrant, who had been corrupted. Moreover, although they were all at risk, the scientist wouldn't have it any other way. That they had escaped so they could build a new life, where they could live and work on their own terms.

After a few hours it was finally time for the last shuttles to evacuate, but before they had a chance to grab their last gear, an explosion occurred which made the whole building tremble.

"A suicide fighter just took out one of the AA guns!" One of the scientist yelled. "Cerberus troops are…" Before he could finish his sentence, another shuttle took out the second gun, shattering the windows while the force threw them on the floor. Shepard spotted some soldiers flying in with their jet packs and yelled at Jacob to get the others to safety. After Shepard, Williams and Garrus killed them off, they received a transmission from Jacob. Him and the scientists had reached the landing pad safely, but they needed assistance to make sure they could depart without being shot down immediately.

After a small jog to the shuttle bay, they found a few Cerberus soldiers attacking the shuttle. They quickly took them out to minimize the damage done by Cerberus. Jacob opened the shuttle bay's doors for Shepard, Wiiliams and Garrus,so that the three of them could cleaned the area outside while the first shuttle quickly departed. The amount of fire power Cerberus had brought overwhelmed them.

 _What do these scientists know?_ Shepard kept shooting and shooting, even using the biotics she rarely used. With the limited time at her disposal, she had no choice but to do so. It took them a while to clear the landing area before they could to tell Jacob it was safe to pick them up. After he flew the shuttle out of the holding bay, landing it a few meters behind Shepard, multiple Cerberus squads were dropped in, including an heard one of the soldiers ordering the others to focus on taking Shepard out. Pissed off as she was, Shepard wanted to run into the mass of soldiers, but was stopped by Garrus. He was barely in time to grab Shepard around her waist before she could sprint off.

"Come and get me!" Shepard shouted while she still fired her rifle after ripping them apart with her biotics.

Garrus threw her in the shuttle, took Shepard's gun and handed it over to Jacob so he and Williams could cover the open shuttle door till it was completely closed, while he held on to Shepard.

"What the hell just happened out there?!" Garrus asked Shepard, trying his hardest to not explode at her.

"Nothing!" Shepard lied.

"Don't give me that crap again, Shepard! First your head was not here, then you lose all control and throw up, and just now you wanted to charge 40 man by yourself!" Garrus now barked at her. Shepard stayed silent, averting any eye contact with him. She felt as if she was twelve again, and her mother had caught her stealing her credit chit.

Quinn finally looked up, still avoiding eye contact with Garrus. Instead she met those of Williams while her shoulders slumped down, finally showing Ashley the desperation and pain she had been hiding all along. Williams pushed Garrus aside and wrapped her arms around her.

"I didn't know it was this bad." She whispered in Shepard's ear, while Quinn just stood there, doing nothing. "I'll page Traynor to talk to you, I know you two are close."

"Don't." Was the only thing Shepard could say. Williams let go of Shepard and looked at her in disbelief.

"What happened?" Ashley asked curiously. Shepard sat down and put her hands in front of her eyes, trying to not think about the incident.

"Uhhh, what am I missing here?" Garrus asked. Williams walked up to him, shaking her head, silently implying that he should drop the subject.

When they arrived on the Normandy, everybody left the shuttle, except Shepard. She hadn't moved for the last ten minutes after she sat down, and still didn't after everybody disembarked the shuttle. Shepard just sat there, hoping she would disappear. She wanted to meet Thane on the other side of the ocean, she wanted peace in her soul.

Out of nowhere she heard her name. It was Williams, calling for her to go up with her to the mess hall. Something about getting hydrated and fed. Shepard took a deep breath and sucked up the fact it wasn't her time yet to meet him, or anyone else on the other side. Her time for peace had to wait another day.

Shepard stood in the elevator, her shoulders and head still slouched down, not in the mood to be around others. After the doors opened, Shepard finally looked up hoping to leave quickly and unseen to the port observation deck, but met Traynor's gaze instead. Her heart skipped a beat. Traynor looked horrible. Her eyes were bloodshot and she had dark bags hanging under her eyes.

Feeling stupid about being unable to say anything, Shepard started mumbling to Traynor.

"Good job, Traynor. Pinpointing the scientists. They will be a big asset for the crucible."

"Thank you, Commander." Traynor replied in utter coldness, though her eyes told a different story. Shepard could see the pain and anger, but also the longing she had seen in her eyes after their first kiss. "Would you mind?" She continued with that same cold voice. "I'm needed in the CIC."

Shepard apologized to her, not realizing she was still standing in the elevator. The moment she tried to leave the elevator, Shepard lost her balance for a moment and her shoulder bumped into Traynor's. Quinn's heart immediately started to pound in her chest as if she was having a heart attack. Shepard glanced over her shoulder, even though she wasn't sure why she did that, as the doors had already closed behind her. A second later she heard a banging noise coming from the of the elevator shaft and some noises. Shepard was sure Traynor wasn't yelling duck.

The sounds of frustration coming out of the elevator made Shepard choke up again, her breathing became shallow and her limbs started to feel numb. The moment Williams heard the change in Shepard's breathing, she took Quinn's arm and pulled her to the med bay to meet Chakwas, who immediately helped Williams to bring Shepard to a bed and gave her, yet, another sedative.

Shepard let Karin do her thing, while she was consumed again with her own thoughts. She might have lost her family, lost friends, lost hope every now and then and even lost the will to life sometimes, she never imagined she could lose her soul.

* * *

 **FYI:** When the doors of the station opens and you see the first glimpse of Brynn, it is noticeable they used the same model for her as they did for Traynor ;)


	22. Chapter 22: Confessions

The closer the Normandy got to the Citadel, the more nervous Shepard got. Talking about her feelings had never been something she was good at, so she didn't look forward to going to see a shrink, though she knew it was time to face her problems: they were starting to interfere with her missions. To distract herself from her upcoming appointment she did her best to kill some time, and avoid Traynor. Shepard went down the cargo bay, looking for Vega, hoping to do a sparring session with him. Quinn was disappointed when she found out he wasn't there, so she went back to the crew quarters, directly to the observation deck. _Maybe getting wasted will take the edge off._

"EH LOLA" sounded when the door slid open. "We could use an extra player for a game of poker." He gestured to an empty chair between Jacob and Cortez. She hadn't noticed that Cortez was also absent from the cargo bay.

"Shouldn't you be working or something?" She asked him curiously while raising an eyebrow.

"Nope, everything is in working order. Even helped Cortez with the Kodiak, she is purring like a happy kitten again." Vega answered Shepard proudly with a huge grin.

"Purring like a happy kitten?" Cortez said rhetorically. "And then they call me gay…" He continued mockingly, while he looked at Shepard and raised his shoulders. Quinn laughed for the first time in days.

"Well if you guys have nothing better to do, count me in then." She replied while she pulled out the empty chair and sat down. "What are we playing?"

"Texas hold'em." Vega replied while he shuffled the deck of cards. "You know how to play that game?"

"No." Shepard lied. She didn't want them to know she used to play professional poker and let it scare them away.

Vega explained the rules to her while she faked interest and gave him some "oh's" and "okay's" and making faces as if it sounded difficult. The first few rounds she lost on purpose, while Vega gave her some pitiful looks while taking her chips. After a few rounds, she struck back. In the end Shepard sat there, holding all the money and even Vega's watch.

"SUCKERS!" Shepard shouted to the three men who sat there looking sad.

"YOU HUSTLED US!?" Vega shouted back, while he laughed. "Nice one, ma'am." He continued.

Shepard kind of felt sorry for him. "If you bring us some drinks, I'll give you back your watch. Don't want you to be late for the job." Shepard grinned as she tossed the watch back to Vega.

"Not for me Vega, gonna hit the sack." Cortez said while he pushed the chair away. "Ma'am it was a pleasure, as always."

"Wait for me! I'm gonna join you." Vega said loudly to Cortez. The other three looked up at him in surprise and then it hit him. "NO, NO, NO! NOT LIKE THAT." He started to blush.

"Like I said." Cortez started. "And then they call me gay." He winked at Shepard as he left the room. Vega gave Shepard and Jacob their drinks and followed Cortez, leaving the two behind.

"So what's the story, Jacob." Shepard started, breaking the silence that was left. "What happened after you left the Normandy?

"After we got back… well, things look different when you come back from a suicide mission alive. So I quit Cerberus, hell I quit everything and went to the Mediterranean for a while. That's where I lost track of you…"

"And what did the fresh air and meditation teach you?" A small chuckle escaped her lips. She found it difficult to imagine Jacob sitting on the beach, under a parasol with an umbrella in his cocktail.

"That what I choose to fight better mean something for me… that it comes from the heart."

"You do know we could sure use you, Jacob."

"It's real tempting, Shepard, but I like where I'm at. I'm important to those people… I want a life… a family."

"I get that, Jacob." The thought of Traynor started to creep back in her mind.

"No Shepard, the Normandy is your real love." That answer really stung Shepard, probably more because she knew it was true.

"That doesn't mean I don't want to say, 'to hell with it' sometimes." She tried to convince herself more than she tried to convince Jacob. Shepard was indeed sick and tired of fighting off Cerberus and the Reapers. Mostly she hated answering to the Citadel council.

"But you won't, you can't." Shepard knew he was right. She loved her ship. It was her home… _And Traynor's home…_ She sighed. _Don't go there Shepard!_

"I… I guess you're right, Jacob." She answered reluctantly while hating herself. The good mood she had been in earlier quickly disappeared.

"Anyways. I'm going to see Brynn and the rest. See if they need any help. We should be arriving at the Citadel soon." Jacob stood up and left the observation deck, leaving Shepard behind.

Quinn sat there for a few minutes, sipping her drink, but soon became restless again. She also was worried that Traynor could walk in on the deck any minute and she really didn't want to see her. Being in the sickbay for a third time in a span of six days was too much.

"EDI, what is Traynor's current position?"

"Is this a work or personal related question, Commander." EDI replied casually, shocking Shepard.

"Why does this matter?"

"Specialist Traynor requested me not to give away her location, in case you would want to talk to her privately." EDI's answered. Shepard felt as if someone had just ripped her heart out of her chest.

"Oh." Was all that Quinn managed to say. It took her a few seconds to regain herself. "I… I wish not to speak with her. I'm actually trying to avoid her." She continued with a soft and sad voice.

"In that case I would advise you to leave the crew deck. The Specialists shift will end in approximately 15 minutes. Currently she is in the war room and she has made an appointment with miss Allers to have some drinks."

"Thank you, EDI." Shepard answered. She quickly finished her drink and stood up.

"Is everything OK, Shepard?" EDI actually sounded concerned for Quinn's well being.

"Yeah, fine." Shepard lied.

"Though I know you are lying, I will not ask you any further questions about this subject."

"Thank you." Shepard was relieved that EDI dropped the subject, but felt sick Traynor was doing the exact same thing as she did: hiding. _I'm so sorry Traynor. I wish I could turn back time…_

"Shepard. May I suggest that you talk about this with Jeff." EDI pulled Shepard back from her thoughts. "He already knows a fair bit about you and the Specialist. Also, the chance to run into Traynor is the slimmest on the flight deck."

Shepard considered this for a moment, and it sounded like a good idea. _A bit of a practice run before I talk to the shrink? Or just killing time, running away from a certain person?_ She tried not to run to the elevator. Every minute wasted was a higher probability she would be confronted with Traynor. She kept pushing the close doors she finally arrived at the CIC, Shepard hurried to the front to Joker and let herself fall down in the seat next to him, making herself small so nobody could see her flaming red hair peeking over the chair.

"Uhh hello?" Joker said surprised.

"Hi." Shepard grinned sheepishly. Joker and Quinn looked at each other awkwardly for a moment.

"Sooo… Is there anything you need, Shepard?" Joker asked with in a clueless voice, wondering why Shepard was there.

"No, just checking how you're doing." She replied with a voice that sounded a bit too innocent.

"Right… I think I should ask you that question… What's going on with you? And Traynor as a matter of fact." Joker asked bluntly.

"How… how do you mean?" Shepard tried to uphold the innocence in her voice but failed miserably at it.

"Come on Shep, I've known you now for what… three years? I know when something is going on with you. The two of you used to look at each other with love sick puppy eyes. Now… Well Traynor looks like hell and she hasn't been in a good mood for days, since you were first submitted in the med bay. Also, I followed your last mission…"

"Oh." Shepard sat there, lost for words. Joker was the first one, beside Chakwas, to connect the dots. _Damn you, Joker! I just wanted to kill some time!_

"And why did Chakwas ordered me to back to the Citadel? She threatened me with court martial if I wouldn't obey her order. So yeah, with all due respect, Commander, how are YOU doing?!" Joker continued, almost ordering Shepard to give him some answers.

Silence followed while Quinn's mind raced to find an answer so she could dodge Joker's questions, but none came to mind. Shepard took a deep breath, readying herself to tell the story, or at least some of it.

Joker sat there, listening to Shepard about what happened from the moment when Traynor and her finally hooked up, the breakdown and the aftermath. His jaw dropped. He knew that something bad was going on, but never guessed this.

"Oh man… That sucks. I'm sorry that I asked, Shepard." He said apologetic. "I knew something was going on between the two of you, guess I hoped it was more of a bitch fight or something. So let me guess, the good doctor ordered you to talk to a professional about it?"

"Joker, sometimes you're smarter than you look." Shepard gave him a faint smile.

"Yeah, I know. I've been blessed with looks and brains." Joker chuckled, lighting the mood between him and Shepard.

"Hey, if you stay here a bit longer, I could let you try to dock the Normandy. You've been here plenty of times watching me how I do it, you should be able to do it yourself by now."

"And work for my paycheck? That's why I've you guys to order around!" Shepard nudged Joker in his arm. "I should get a quick shower and a fresh set of clothing anyways. Don't want the head doctor think I'm crazy, right?" She gave Jeff a wink and got up from the chair she was huddling in.

"Shepard. I know I'm a pain in the ass sometimes, but I'm here for you. For anything." Joker said with a soft caring voice.

"I know. Thank you." Shepard replied while she walked out of the flight deck

While showering, Shepard couldn't let go of the fact that Traynor had requested EDI to not reveal her position. _What if she wants to get off this ship?! I, we, need her here._

"EDI, has Specialist Traynor requested a transfer?"

"No, Shepard. Though she discussed this matter with Allers a few days ago. Allers managed to persuade Traynor to stay on the Normandy, for now. Please don't tell the Specialist I mentioned this to you."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"I… I feel sorry for you, and her. I think I want you to two to figure this out." EDI almost stuttered. "I asked you last week if we could talk about human physiology, but the appropriate time didn't come. After you and the Specialist finally got together and you breaking down, I finally understood what the fluctuations in your and Traynor's vitals meant. Though the dynamics in your relationship with her changed, the vitals haven't."

"Are you saying you're feeling empathy?" Shepard asked curiously. She found it strange to be having this conversation while shampooing her hair.

"Yes. I noticed this when the previous crew was abducted by the Collectors. I genuinely felt sorry for them, as I am for you and the Specialist. It is a hard thing to process, though Dr. Chakwas and I have been discussing this phenomenon lately. She is helping me to understand the why behind everything."

"And what is your conclusion, when it comes to Traynor and me?"

"The Specialist and you care deeply for each other, and even though I now understand why you did what you did, I suggest you make her a peace offering. Losing the Specialist as a member of the crew would have a negative impact, she is an important asset. Next to optimizing the ship's and my capabilities, she is a brilliant communication specialist. Also she accepted the function as a confidant for the crew, though no one asked her to do that."

"She is indeed brilliant." Shepard sighed. _A peace offering…_ _It's worth the try._

After Shepard got dressed, she immediately went on the extranet. She knew exactly what she should get as a peace offer. _Let me find that damn Cision Pro Mark 4… Wait… Why do I remember that?_ She browsing the net for a few minutes before she found a store on the Citadel who had a few available. She immediately opened a direct comm link, to make sure they could deliver the item directly to Traynor after they docked.

When the Normandy was docked, Shepard quickly disembarked the Normandy to see if the courier indeed was waiting there. After confirming he was, she told EDI to show the courier where Traynor was and got into a rapid taxi to Huerta Hospital. Quinn nerves started to come back up. _Do I really have to talk with a stranger about this_? She started to play with her hair, a habit she had as long as she could remember. Finally, the door opened.

"My name is Dr. Bandura, please come in." The doctor said with a pleasant soft voice as she waved her hand to an empty chair.

"Commander Quinn Shepard." She replied as she walked in.

They both sat down.

"So Quinn, may I call you Quinn? Or do you prefer something else?" Bandura asked politely.

"Quinn is fine." Shepard replied stoically.

"Well I know you are a busy person, and your time is scarce so I'm going to be blunt. After talking to Dr. Chakwas it was easy to conclude you're suffering from a sever case of post traumatic stress disorder, likely the result of survivor guilt."

"Survivor guilt? That's ironic after being dead for two years." Shepard scoffed.

"I've read your dossier. Is it correct that you survived the Batarian raid on Mindoir?"

"Yes."

"And you repelled the ground forces on Elysium until reinforcements arrived, while many others around you died?"

"Yes." Shepard voice got softer.

"You lost many crew mates during a suicide mission through the Omega 4 relay?"

"Yes." Quinn now whispered.

"Does survivor guilt still sound strange, even though you've been dead for two years?"

"No…" Shepard felt stupid. _Why didn't I think of that on my own?_

"Now, please tell me what happened with you in the last week. Although Dr. Chakwas has told me the details, I want to hear how you've experienced it."

Shepard closed her eyes, taking a few deep breaths, readying herself to tell the whole story.

"Shepard, I'm sorry to disturb you, but you should know Traynor is caught in a fight at MacLaren's pub." EDI's voice sounded through Quinn's omni-tool

Without saying anything, Shepard jumped up and ran out of the room. When she got at the taxi stand, she pulled a couple asari out of it and drove off. It felt like forever before she arrived at Zakera ward, but when she arrived there, she leaped out of the car. Shepard rushed through the mob that stood outside the bar where she found Traynor, kicking the ass of a man who was at least a head taller than she was. Sam smashed her fist in his nose and kneed him in his crutch. The moment Sam turned around she found Shepard's eyes. A faint smile appeared on her face until a blade went through her gut. Traynor's face turned grey as ash and her smile disappeared when fell on the floor. Shepard shot through the bar to the place where Sam laid unconscious.

"Please, stay alive. Please stay alive." She mumbled more to herself then Traynor, while trying to find a pulse.

Sam's heart rate was slow and her breathing shallow. Shepard knew she needed medical care now. As she stood up to look for help, she saw the culprit still standing with the blade while he grinned devilishly. A rage came over Shepard as if she was a bull and someone waved a red cloth at her. She walked up to the thug, snapping his neck in one smooth motion.

"GET A MEDIC!" Shepard shouted to one of the C-SEC officers, who just arrived at the bar, while she ran back to Traynor. Quinn hold Sam's head while brushing her hand through Traynor's hair. "Stay with me Sam." She whispered


	23. Chapter 23: Coming to me senses

**Hi guys, been a while. Busy at work, holidays and being sick. Also me lovely editor, OnTheArrow, was busy. Chapter itself wasn't easy to write either. Hope you like it! Drop a comment. Also would like to know if you guys have any input for the upcoming chapter!**

* * *

Shepard sat in front of the surgery room, waiting anxiously for someone to tell her that Traynor would be ok, but the only person who walked up to her was Bailey.

"Shepard, I heard what happened. How is your crew member doing?" Bailey asked, his voice laden with concern.

Shepard jumped at Bailey and grabbed him by the collar.

"Why the hell was C-Sec so late at McLaren's?" Shepard spat at him. "I was there sooner than you fuckers!" She continued while Bailey sighed at her accusations.

"I'm sorry, Shepard. After the Cerberus attack we don't have the manpower to be everywhere and the Council ordered 24/7 protection from us." Bailey slumped his head while he shook it. "It's been a mess, almost as bad as after Saren's attack." He continued, while Shepard let go of his collar. For what's worth, I'm truly sorry."

"Thank you." Shepard sighed. "I know it's not your fault, it's the goddamn Illusive Man's fault. He will pay for everything. One way or another." Quinn sat down again, letting her head hang down.

"Captain Bailey, you're needed at the Presidium." A voice echoed through his earpiece. Before he could say anything to Shepard, she had already waved him off, telling him in silence that it was fine.

After the Captain left the waiting area a doctor approached Shepard. Quinn stood up, meeting his gaze, hoping to see any sign of good news before he actually opened his mouth.

"Commander Shepard?" The salarian asked rapidly, reminding Quinn of Mordin. She nodded.

"Good news, miss Traynor is stabilized, took some time. Lost lot of blood. Will recover though." After the doctor finished talking, Shepard hugged the Salarian, who made a disgusted face in return.

"May I see her?" Quinn asked.

"Yes. Miss Traynor is still unconscious, don't expect her to wake up soon. Need to go, check up on her later." The salarian answered, but Shepard had already lost him at yes.

Quinn carefully pushed the door open while she kept her eyes closed, afraid to see her, afraid she would choke up again. She gathered all her courage and opened her eyes. This time she didn't choke up out of fear for her feelings about Traynor, but because of the condition she was in.A respirator plunged into Sam's trachea was steadily pumping air into her lungs, while a nearby monitor displayed her vitals. Shepard took a chair and sat beside her and just looked at her until she fell asleep.

The sound of an opening door woke Shepard up; she immediately jumped up, pulling out her gun so that she could defend Traynor and herself.

"Ho… At ease soldier." Dr. Bandura said with a comforting voice and a smile, though Shepard could see a hint of fear in her eyes.

"I… I'm sorry doc." Shepard apologized, relieved to see it was just Bandura.

"No need to apologize, Quinn. You've been through a lot. I should've been louder when I entered the room, but you looked at peace while sleeping. I just wanted to leave something behind for you." She said while showing a cage. It took Shepard a while before figuring out what it was.

"Is that a hamster?" Quinn asked in disbelief.

"Yes." Bandura smiled before continuing. "People who suffer from PTSD are recommended to get a service dog, who is trained to comfort you before or during a panic attack, triggered mostly by anxiety. But do to the nature of your current job, it doesn't seem possible to bring a dog aboard the Normandy, hence the hamster." She pointed at the little critter in the cage.

Shepard stood up and took the hamster out of the cage. It started to squeak when it had some freedom to roam over Quinn's arms. Shepard tried to suppress a giggle as the tiny nails of the hamster tickled her bare arms. After a few minutes she put it back in its cage.

"Thank you, Dr. Bandura." Quinn said while she looked at her and gave the doctor a smile.

"Your friend there, she's your trigger isn't she?" She nodded to Traynor.

Shepard sighed before answering. "Yes."

"How does it make you feel to see her like this?"

"HOW DO YOU…."Shepard paused, composing herself again before continuing". "How do you think it makes me feel?"

"It is not about what I think, it's about how you feel. I want you to acknowledge your feelings."

Shepard sighed again and sat down next to Traynor, looking at her.

"I pushed her away… I was afraid that if I cared about her, kept her close to me, I would lose her too. Just like I lost so many already. I couldn't, I can't lose her too." Shepard grabbed Traynor's hand and started caressing it with her thumb.

"Is that what you meant when you kept repeating: I can't do it?" Bandura asked curiously. Shepard looked up and gave her a sour look.

"Dr. Chakwas told me that when she contacted me."

"Oh right." Shepard replied while turning her head back towards Traynor. "I guess so. I just can't bear losing someone I love again. Almost everyone I ever loved or cared for has either died or left, and the ones that are still here… Well the war isn't over, far from it. I know I will lose more people, it's inevitable. I… I just can't lose her." She nodded towards Traynor.

"So you pushed her away, to save her from you and to save yourself from losing her?" Shepard looked up again at Bandura. "And what happened after you tried to shield yourself from the potential pain?"

"Traynor got hurt anyway, and so did I." Shepard sighed, as her eyes began to sting.

"Instead of focussing on the potential pain, which isn't determined, try to focus on the joyful parts.I know you've experienced a lot of, well, excuse my french, shit. That doesn't mean it will always be like that. You're now stuck in the self-fulfilling prophecy." Shepard looked up at Bandura, trying to understand what she meant by that. "The self-fulfilling prophecy is a prediction that directly or indirectly causes itself to become true, by the very terms of the prophecy itself, due to positive feedback between belief and behavior." Bandura continued.

"You mean by believing it, I create it?"

"Something like that. You will subconsciously look for the proof you need to verify your state of mind, or create the circumstances for it to become reality. Simple example: If you think your relationship will fail, even though there is no reason to think that, you will create a situation that will compromise your relationship, and might indeed kill the relationship and you will say 'told you so' to yourself."

Shepard let the words of the doctor sink in for a moment before she spoke again.

"How do I deal with this? How can I break this cycle?" Shepard asked Bandura.

"I've instructed Doctor Chakwas to start a medication treatment to reduce the PTSD symptoms with a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. Next to that you'll have to talk with someone about your feelings, about what you've been through, you can't just push them away anymore. Also, when you have time, we will do some vid sessions."

"Okay." Shepard whispered, hating the idea, yet willing to uphold it.

"I'll leave you be for now, Quinn. Good luck, with everything." Bandura left the room, giving Shepard no chance to reply.

Perplexed with the sudden exit of the Doctor, Quinn stared a few seconds to the door before looking back at Trayor again. _Maybe I should practice my confession while she is unconscious._ Shepard took a few deep breaths and started talking.

"I'm sorry Sam, for letting you down, for hurting you like I did. I never intended to do that. The pain I saw in your eyes, it hurts me. The coldness in your voice made me want to die. I hope that one day I get the chance to tell you how much you mean for me, how much I care for you… Hell maybe tell you that I love you…"

Before Shepard could continue, Sam squeezed her hand.

"Sam?!" Quinn squealed in surprise, while looking at Traynor. Another squeeze followed while Sam slowly opened her eyes. Shepard looked at her, a smile appearing on her face. Sam tried to smile as well, but all she could manage was a gurgling sound. It didn't take long before one of the orderlies entered the room to remove the tube from Sam's mouth.

"Hi." Traynor said hoarsely. The tube had slightly damaged her vocal chords.

"Sstt don't talk." Shepard pushed her finger on her mouth. "Do you want some water?" Quinn continued. Traynor nodded, but didn't let go of Shepard's hand.

"I heard everything." Sam whispered while pulling the Commander in close. "It's okay." She continued, crashing her dried lips against Shepard's; Quinn just stood there in face turned red, partly from embarrassment, but also from the sense of relief she felt knowing that Sam had heard her confession. She cupped her hand around Traynor's face and kissed her again before getting her water as promised.

Shepard sat down again next to Traynor, holding her hand. After a half an hour or so Sam started to fall asleep again; her grip on Quinn's hand loosened, and Shepard finally had some time to look at the messages that had started to flood in a few minutes ago. After she left the room, Shepard opened her omni-tool. The Council requested an explanation as to why Shepard was still on the Citadel, knowing that she should've departed a day ago. Shepard left the hospital and went to the Presidium to meet with them.

"Why are you still here?" The Salarian councillor asked bitterly. There was still some animosity between them, stemming from Shepard's aid to the Krogan. "Your docking permit expired six hours ago." The councillor continued.

"What does it matter to you?" Shepard returned the question, trying to restrain herself.

"There is a war going on, and you're just parading around the Citadel. That's unacceptable!"

"Well If you all listened to me three years ago, we might not be in this situation to start with!" Shepard still tried her best to remain civil, though her face started to redden while her hand curled into a fist. She jammed her nails in the palm of her hand, hoping the pain would keep her head level.

"You're needed elsewhere. You have one hour to ready your vessel and leave. That is all."

The Salarian and the other two council members, who hadn't said a thing, left without waiting for a reply. Shepard stood there, watching as they left the balcony, biting hard on her lower lip in frustration, until she tasted the metallic tang of blood.

As Quinn walked away she opened a comm channel to Joker.

"Joker, get ready to leave in an hour. We're being kicked off the Citadel." Shepard said with the same bitterness in her voice.

"Wait, what? What about Traynor?!" Joker answered in disbelief.

"Leave that to me. Tell Chakwas to meet me at Huerta Hospital." Shepard said in a sturdy voice

"Aye aye, ma'am." Joker replied.

Before going back to the hospital, Shepard made a quick stop by the Alliance requisition Officer to get some new alliance reg clothing for Traynor. At first the Officer denied her access to Sam's stuff, until she gave him an all-convincing look. Scared as hell, he immediately extracted Traynor's possessions from a duffle bag and handed them over. Quinn thanked the Officer for his help and politely wished him a pleasant day before taking her leave.

Once she got back at the hospital, Shepard went to talk to the information desk, announcing that she would check Traynor out of the hospital.

"What do you mean by checking miss Traynor out?" The nurse asked confused.

"That I am taking her with me to the Normandy." Shepard explained to the nurse, who was visibly startled by the information.

"She can't leave the hospital, she isn't stable yet!". The nurse squealed.

"Wanna bet?!" Shepard replied dryly as she saw Chakwas entering the hospital with the corner of her eye.

"You requested my presence?" Karin asked while walking up to Shepard.

"Ah just the woman I need. I'm taking Traynor with me on the Normandy. I'm not leaving her behind."

"I see." Chakwas replied, knowing exactly why Shepard wanted to take her. "Even though I know moving her around might bring some complications, I will not object to your request." Karin gave Quinn a faint smile. The fact she wanted to take Traynor was an indication to her that Shepard was ready to fight her demons. "Could you be a good lad and file the discharge papers?" Chakwas continued.

"Uh well uhhh okay"." The nurse stammered as he started the paperwork, after Chakwas flashed her credentials to him.

"Thank you." Karin replied as her and Shepard made their way to Traynor's room.

"Are you sure about this Quinn?" Chakwas asked her in that motherly voice she often used when talking to Shepard.

"Yeah." Quinn replied, her eyes focused on her target: Traynor's room.

Before she opened the door, Shepard took a deep breath. Someone was bent over Traynor and looked up to see who was entering the room.

"Ah,you two. I heard you were coming, taking my patient away." The Salarian doctor said with a slight hint of anger in his voice as he stood up straight again.

"Excuse me." Traynor said to the doctor. "Who's taking me away?" The Salarian stood between Traynor and the door, and Shepard craned her neck so that Sam could see her.

"The good Commander Shepard and her loyal Dr. Chakwas." He replied sarcastically while turning away so he wouldn't block her view anymore.

Traynor's eyes met Shepard's. A smile curled on Sam's lips, and even though she was still full with painkillers, Quinn could swear she saw a sparkle in her eyes. Shepard walked up to Traynor and gave her a kiss.

"How are you feeling?" Shepard asked softly.

"Never been better, Commander." Traynor replied while staring at Quinn's face and ran her thumb down the scar on her cheek. "What happened to your face? Why is it glowing orange?"

"Is it…?" Shepard replied.

"Let me answer that question for you, Quinn." Chakwas interfered. "Even though the Commander is still organic, Cerberus used a lot of implants to 'rebuild' Quinn, but her body has the tendency to reject them. The more stressed, worked up or angry she is, the more the implants press on her scars. Although it's only a cosmetic issue, the Commander should try to relax more and should display more paragon behaviour instead of listening to her renegade side." Shepard rolled her eyes at that last comment. "Maybe miss Traynor's well mannered behaviour will rub off on you one day." Chakwas chuckled.

"I doubt that." Traynor grinned back at Karin. "Looks like Shepard is rubbing off on me." Sam continued while pointing at the bandages the Salarian doctor just refreshed.

"Uhh you guys know I'm still here, right?" Shepard said while waving her hands. Traynor hardly suppressed a laugh.

"But seriously now. You're coming to take me?" Her expression changed quickly.

"Yeah. I left you once and look what happened to you." Shepard winked at Traynor. "I'm not leaving you again… Who else could do your job?!"

"Well…." Traynor started.

"Oh shut up." Shepard grinned. "Here are some new clothes."

While helping Traynor putting on her clothing, Shepard heard the Salarian complaining to Chakwas about her taking his patient. Karin tried to reassure him that the Normandy's medbay was more than up to the task to take care of Traynor.

After fully dressing Sam, Shepard instructed her to wrap an arm around her neck so she could stand up without the danger of falling down. Traynor's groan startled her and she immediately wrapped her arms around Sam, providing her extra support.

"I'm fine, Quinn." Traynor whispered, hoping to reassure Shepard and kissed her on her cheek.

After a few painful moans, Traynor was finally erect. Chakwas walked up to Shepard so she could help with Sam and they left the room. After a few steps Quinn realised she forgot something important and ran back .

"How do you like my space hamster?" She showed Traynor the cage after she returned.

"Ohhh that's bloody cute! What's his name?"

Shepard looked at the cage a few moments and looked up smiling.

"Mordin"


End file.
